Y
17 September 2005
17 September 2005
JUN
this will be a long post man, if u're half aslp or tired. GO SLP LA:)
yawn. am i ok ald? i dunno:) but i'm actually much stronger than last time. what a blockhead i was in the past. lol. ya i was sad to the core on monday and i'm not gonna forget that day man. it's god-awful. haha. but whatever, i took it. accepted it cried it out and jus forced myself to shut up and think bout the future. and i'm sorry to those who saw me cry. it's such a ugly sight ok. and i really wish nobody had seen it. I DUN LIKE PPL TO SEE ME CRY. well, unless u're somebody who's extremely extremely special to me:)
thuesday was.. i forgot what happened. i only rmb tears appeared in my eyes more than 100 times that day and i din feel like saying a word at all. wednesday was abit better but i still feel better isolating myself. i jus feel like keeping quiet. and i so wanted everybody to leave me alone. tears din really appear in my eyes anymore but i jus stare into blank air asking myself questions and then answering my own questions. i jus can't stop thinking. went home and slp. woke up at nine, ate dinner and then rot. i really can see fungus growing on my bed. more and more growing every second. i jus did nth, lie on my bed , drink water and stare into the air. thursday was ok... tears appeared in my eyes once and at least i enjoyed hcl lessons:) maths lesson was so.. i-dun-wanna-talk-bout-it. thank you. my greatest fear and i know i have to face it and accept it to overcome it. but i jus feel like ignoring it rite now. i dun wanna think bout it. i've had enough of that sucky sinking feeling. i dun nit my fears to become facts to make my heart sink into a bottomless pit. i so dun nit that. so i will jus shut my gob bout whatever fears. to hell with fears.
my phone... is useless like shit now. no, i've said it wrongly. it's even more useless than shit ok? at least u can make shit into fertilizers (i think) and you can eat shit if u are really desperate to fill yer stomach. you cant make my phone into fertilizers and you so cannot eat it at all. what's the use of my phone, seriously.. i find it so useless i got the urge to throw it out of the window. it's irritatingly silent and lifeless. most of the time i jus take out my phone, look at it and throw it back into my bag. at home, i jus stare at it blankly and it will stare blankly back at me. shit phone. it's making me feel lonely la haha. stupid phone. to hell with handphoe ok.
omg. i'm neglecting my diary. i'm sorry DET. i so dun wanna write any diary entry now la. i'm scared of writing diary entry now. i dun wanna write all my feelings down. i dun wanna write at all. i think the next time i write a diary entrty, it will be donkey years later. to hell with this feeling man.
my appetite is worst than ever. i dun feel like eating at all. what the hell is food? i got no mood , no desire, no intention to eat. ya i can skip lunch but i cant skip dinner. my mum sorta found out about me not eating and blabla so she jus make sure i eat my dinner. i'm not aneroxic la ok? i jus dunno y i dun feel like eating anything. sumtimes i feel hungry but i dun give a damn la. i do what i feel like doing now. i feel like skipping lunch, i skip lunch. i feel like daydreaming during lessons, i daydream. that's that. haha. but at least i dun die when i feel like dying la. lol. i dunno when i will get my huge appetite back, probably zillion yrs later. but... aiya wadever ok, to hell with food.
my mum? aaarrrggghhh. it's so argh la. that damn thing in her liver is 16x12 cm big? wtf lor. why in heaven's name issit so freaking big. and there's still two more smaller ones. why mus they pester my mum's liver man. i rather they grow on me. grow all over me and eat me up , for all i care. so stupid. and ok la, i dunno the liver will grow back if u cut it off rite, why muz xinyi sound so smart when she say "you dunno meh?" ya la, i'm a dunderhead dun you noe?i thot u are one too since u love me? ok whatever la haha. okok, to hell with that 16x12cm thing and it's smaller friends.
"there are other priorites in your life now, try working on them as disractions, cos whatever that is going to happen will happen. try to take things easier although it may seem fake, but it will help "
yes. i agree that's so true. "whatever that is going to happen will happen" i know, whatever that was supposed to happened ald happened and whatever that is gonna happen haven happen yet, so i dunno what's gonna happen. so confusing haha.but ya... it's jus as true as the fact that i'm a gal, so i've to accept it. accept reality even if it breaks my heart into two thousand bleeding pieces or wad. i'm gonna live on. i noe i jus have to accept it no matter what. i dun wan to but i seriously have no choice. this is my damn life, i hate it abit cos it's painful why thing liddat muz happen to me. but whatever, i'm not dead yet. and i sorta know i dun die easily. too bad and to hell with hurting reality la. haha:)
unsaid.
GLO i suddenly have the urge to call you glow instead. haha. i dun wanna see you dead la ok? dun look down and all. must smile more ok? and i really have to tell you, i seriously admire you for having the courage to go for your passion. i dun have such courage. and i will never have. i really admire you for having such passion for stuffs and courage for them.. ya, go for it. play your heart out and take care of yourself at the same time ok? and for goodness sake, learn to blog la, or at least learn to express your feelings out to ppl around you. dun hide everything inside your tiny head ok? it's not good. talk to me if you want or if you are bored. if u dun want, ok fine la but u have your own friends, talk to them ok? and BLOG LA.darryl's posts are irritating. and he's "good luck" turned out to be "bad luck" so he' a bonehead. curse him man. haha. and i really regret not telling you this earlier. i really like the way you sing:) rofl la. and you missed smth in the locker! *winks. and i still love the linear park outside yer hse man. i will love it forever haha. and edit your friendster profile la LOL. ok. happy playing!! create more merriment and :D!! and if u ever wnat help in yer studies but dunno who to go to. i'm still alive ok, rmb..
KEKANG kekang!! *waves. thank you man. really. i dunno how to stop thanking you. thanks so much for listening to me, giving me advices and cheering me up. i'm sorry i made you sad by being sad :l but cant help it la u understand :) and you know u sorta performed magic when you said things to stop me from crying during lessons. i can hardly control when i really wanna cry. but aft reading what you sent me, i swallowed everything forced a smile and get on with lessons. it was painful, ya. but at least u really said smth to stop me from crying at that moment. and that was what i requested. thank you man:) and believe me kekang. the world is not dead. ok? the world is not dead, emotional ppl still exists :l hahaha. as much as u dun wanna see me sad, i dun wanna see you sad too, ok? i know how u feel, really. like i said so many times.. nobody can help u. u mus help yourself. your friends will support u. understand ? and u can do it la. i did it :) it's painful to force yourself to face it. but u have to do it. cos like me... you really have no other choice. accept it!!! and eat more can? sumtimes i see you walking ard but i thot i saw a stick walking ard. LOL. u so skinny la ok:) and the " i-knew-you-like-badminton-b4-you-say-it" thing is really cool man. LOL. we are like twins? :l la lol! ok. cheers :) and haha! emotional ppl rocks man:) :)
lastly
i wanna thank so many ppl man. i wanna thank ther and dots!! thanks so much gals! i love you both. haha. sorry i always insist on going home alone. but i really nit the time to be alone, or i wont face that ugly monster. i have to, sorry. thanks sandy too:) you made me laugh and all and made me enjoy hcl lessons LOL. thanks for all the sweets and chocolates!!!! LOL. thanks louis, i know u care:) but stop complaining bout your hair la for god's sake. thanks sam and trish for talking to me the whole afternoon on sunday, the most painful day of all. thanks kekang:) for spending time talking to me, confiding in me and making me feel eh... i actually can be of some use to some ppl after all? LOL. and thank you la for seeing me cry. argh! u know u sorta broke some record of mine. U WASN'T SUPPOSE TO SEE ME CRY. erase that sight from your mind, thank you. haha. thank you glo too:) :) :) thank you for existing man. sumtimes i think of you and the fact that u still exist... make me feel some pain but it's a good type of pain u wont understand:) and these feelings make me feel alive and i know den i'm still alive and i'm still me :'') thanks ian too haha. thank you for sharing, ian. and u sorta drive across some facts to me unknowingly. and thanks to you, i really know what to do now. HAHA:) ya... and thank you to all who smile and say hi to me everyday. you all made me smile..... :)
LASTS
*tell me am i right to think that nothing could be better
*than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
simplyjun in bleeding pieces
this will be a long post man, if u're half aslp or tired. GO SLP LA:)
yawn. am i ok ald? i dunno:) but i'm actually much stronger than last time. what a blockhead i was in the past. lol. ya i was sad to the core on monday and i'm not gonna forget that day man. it's god-awful. haha. but whatever, i took it. accepted it cried it out and jus forced myself to shut up and think bout the future. and i'm sorry to those who saw me cry. it's such a ugly sight ok. and i really wish nobody had seen it. I DUN LIKE PPL TO SEE ME CRY. well, unless u're somebody who's extremely extremely special to me:)
thuesday was.. i forgot what happened. i only rmb tears appeared in my eyes more than 100 times that day and i din feel like saying a word at all. wednesday was abit better but i still feel better isolating myself. i jus feel like keeping quiet. and i so wanted everybody to leave me alone. tears din really appear in my eyes anymore but i jus stare into blank air asking myself questions and then answering my own questions. i jus can't stop thinking. went home and slp. woke up at nine, ate dinner and then rot. i really can see fungus growing on my bed. more and more growing every second. i jus did nth, lie on my bed , drink water and stare into the air. thursday was ok... tears appeared in my eyes once and at least i enjoyed hcl lessons:) maths lesson was so.. i-dun-wanna-talk-bout-it. thank you. my greatest fear and i know i have to face it and accept it to overcome it. but i jus feel like ignoring it rite now. i dun wanna think bout it. i've had enough of that sucky sinking feeling. i dun nit my fears to become facts to make my heart sink into a bottomless pit. i so dun nit that. so i will jus shut my gob bout whatever fears. to hell with fears.
my phone... is useless like shit now. no, i've said it wrongly. it's even more useless than shit ok? at least u can make shit into fertilizers (i think) and you can eat shit if u are really desperate to fill yer stomach. you cant make my phone into fertilizers and you so cannot eat it at all. what's the use of my phone, seriously.. i find it so useless i got the urge to throw it out of the window. it's irritatingly silent and lifeless. most of the time i jus take out my phone, look at it and throw it back into my bag. at home, i jus stare at it blankly and it will stare blankly back at me. shit phone. it's making me feel lonely la haha. stupid phone. to hell with handphoe ok.
omg. i'm neglecting my diary. i'm sorry DET. i so dun wanna write any diary entry now la. i'm scared of writing diary entry now. i dun wanna write all my feelings down. i dun wanna write at all. i think the next time i write a diary entrty, it will be donkey years later. to hell with this feeling man.
my appetite is worst than ever. i dun feel like eating at all. what the hell is food? i got no mood , no desire, no intention to eat. ya i can skip lunch but i cant skip dinner. my mum sorta found out about me not eating and blabla so she jus make sure i eat my dinner. i'm not aneroxic la ok? i jus dunno y i dun feel like eating anything. sumtimes i feel hungry but i dun give a damn la. i do what i feel like doing now. i feel like skipping lunch, i skip lunch. i feel like daydreaming during lessons, i daydream. that's that. haha. but at least i dun die when i feel like dying la. lol. i dunno when i will get my huge appetite back, probably zillion yrs later. but... aiya wadever ok, to hell with food.
my mum? aaarrrggghhh. it's so argh la. that damn thing in her liver is 16x12 cm big? wtf lor. why in heaven's name issit so freaking big. and there's still two more smaller ones. why mus they pester my mum's liver man. i rather they grow on me. grow all over me and eat me up , for all i care. so stupid. and ok la, i dunno the liver will grow back if u cut it off rite, why muz xinyi sound so smart when she say "you dunno meh?" ya la, i'm a dunderhead dun you noe?
"there are other priorites in your life now, try working on them as disractions, cos whatever that is going to happen will happen. try to take things easier although it may seem fake, but it will help "
yes. i agree that's so true. "whatever that is going to happen will happen" i know, whatever that was supposed to happened ald happened and whatever that is gonna happen haven happen yet, so i dunno what's gonna happen. so confusing haha.but ya... it's jus as true as the fact that i'm a gal, so i've to accept it. accept reality even if it breaks my heart into two thousand bleeding pieces or wad. i'm gonna live on. i noe i jus have to accept it no matter what. i dun wan to but i seriously have no choice. this is my damn life, i hate it abit cos it's painful why thing liddat muz happen to me. but whatever, i'm not dead yet. and i sorta know i dun die easily. too bad and to hell with hurting reality la. haha:)
unsaid.
GLO i suddenly have the urge to call you glow instead. haha. i dun wanna see you dead la ok? dun look down and all. must smile more ok? and i really have to tell you, i seriously admire you for having the courage to go for your passion. i dun have such courage. and i will never have. i really admire you for having such passion for stuffs and courage for them.. ya, go for it. play your heart out and take care of yourself at the same time ok? and for goodness sake, learn to blog la, or at least learn to express your feelings out to ppl around you. dun hide everything inside your tiny head ok? it's not good. talk to me if you want or if you are bored. if u dun want, ok fine la but u have your own friends, talk to them ok? and BLOG LA.
KEKANG kekang!! *waves. thank you man. really. i dunno how to stop thanking you. thanks so much for listening to me, giving me advices and cheering me up. i'm sorry i made you sad by being sad :l but cant help it la u understand :) and you know u sorta performed magic when you said things to stop me from crying during lessons. i can hardly control when i really wanna cry. but aft reading what you sent me, i swallowed everything forced a smile and get on with lessons. it was painful, ya. but at least u really said smth to stop me from crying at that moment. and that was what i requested. thank you man:) and believe me kekang. the world is not dead. ok? the world is not dead, emotional ppl still exists :l hahaha. as much as u dun wanna see me sad, i dun wanna see you sad too, ok? i know how u feel, really. like i said so many times.. nobody can help u. u mus help yourself. your friends will support u. understand ? and u can do it la. i did it :) it's painful to force yourself to face it. but u have to do it. cos like me... you really have no other choice. accept it!!! and eat more can? sumtimes i see you walking ard but i thot i saw a stick walking ard. LOL. u so skinny la ok:) and the " i-knew-you-like-badminton-b4-you-say-it" thing is really cool man. LOL. we are like twins? :l la lol! ok. cheers :) and haha! emotional ppl rocks man:) :)
lastly
i wanna thank so many ppl man. i wanna thank ther and dots!! thanks so much gals! i love you both. haha. sorry i always insist on going home alone. but i really nit the time to be alone, or i wont face that ugly monster. i have to, sorry. thanks sandy too:) you made me laugh and all and made me enjoy hcl lessons LOL. thanks for all the sweets and chocolates!!!! LOL. thanks louis, i know u care:) but stop complaining bout your hair la for god's sake. thanks sam and trish for talking to me the whole afternoon on sunday, the most painful day of all. thanks kekang:) for spending time talking to me, confiding in me and making me feel eh... i actually can be of some use to some ppl after all? LOL. and thank you la for seeing me cry. argh! u know u sorta broke some record of mine. U WASN'T SUPPOSE TO SEE ME CRY. erase that sight from your mind, thank you. haha. thank you glo too:) :) :) thank you for existing man. sumtimes i think of you and the fact that u still exist... make me feel some pain but it's a good type of pain u wont understand:) and these feelings make me feel alive and i know den i'm still alive and i'm still me :'') thanks ian too haha. thank you for sharing, ian. and u sorta drive across some facts to me unknowingly. and thanks to you, i really know what to do now. HAHA:) ya... and thank you to all who smile and say hi to me everyday. you all made me smile..... :)
LASTS
*tell me am i right to think that nothing could be better
*than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
simplyjun in bleeding pieces
please believe me again at 3:33 PM
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