mayb i wan to kill myself after all.

my attitude.
in the past... my attitude problem landed me in depression and regrets. well, i was irritating. i know ok. hahaha. do stupid things and say stupid things. you were right. i did stupid things, many of them. countless. well, as a result ? great losses. within months, i fell into hell. but i woke up. that's the only good part of this few months. now. again, my attitude sucks like hell. i sleep and refuse to wake up. throw my things all over the floor. eat ice cream the whole day. eat chips for dinner. walk ard at night alone. walk in the rain. dun reply smses. sms fuckheads who dun bother to even reply. talk back to my dad. scream at my bro. i jus do wat i wan to do. i so heck care bout consequences. and i really feel that i shld paise myself or smth. after so long, after so long, now den i heck care bout life. some people seem to heck care bout life for no reasons. i jus do wat i wan to do. i wan to scream at the mirror, i scream. i wan to drink coffee, i drink. i wan to punch the wall, i punch. i wan to throw my phone, i jus attitude and throw. i so dun give a monkey bout life. all the stupid thundering great lies in life. i'm tired of trying to figure out whether my life is real or fake. stupid things in life ppl always say. " i love you " how real can it get? "i will love u forever" " love u always" fuck. forever? always ? how long is forever? how long is always? one minute? ass. one month? two months? one yr? or one yr and two months? go to hell la. if u ever wan to say i love u to anybody, pls really mean it and prove it by actions. not by saying stupid things only pleasant to the ears but as fake as whatever la. come on lor, "i wont ever leave you." HAHAHA. come. laugh with me.

"i wont ever leave you."

fuck off la. say shits like " i wont ever leave you." to me, and u better go hell i tell u. well, i think u meant "i will jus stay with u for now. and i dun care whether u can take it anot, i think u can take it rite? i will leave u next monday and i will kill u again and again after that, i think u can take it." ass. i'm sick of trying to figure all this out. i give up. i dun wan to care anymore. it doesn't matter anyway. my wish wont come true. nth will change. i feel pain every single second, so ? i wan to cry now. so ? i have to live with it. things wont change. i have to accept reality that is so harsh. dumb. i jus have to bear with the pain. and i'm so gonna go home and cry the whole day today. i jus wan my wish to come true badly. badly :(

louis, u told me to treat sweet dreams as hopes and nightmares as warnings? no. can i dun? my sweet dreams is my wish, exactly. gosh, i think of my wish so much i even dream of it. ya, the sweet dream i had few days ago is my wish, exactly. but i guess it's not hope. my wish.... probably wont come true. and nightmares... i had those nightmares b4 rmb? and my nightmare is living. my nightmare is reality. my nightmare dun scare me. it hurts. hurts so much i can cry. i actually can cry becos of a nightmare. becos the hurting part is..... it is reality. louis, dun call me tonight, i might be crying. haha.

today.
was late for co pract. late by like 50mins. wat the shit lor. i was so pissed off. i was like stuck in pasir ris from 8 to 9 am. that is pure stupidity. i was so pissed off. super pissed off. and i panicked. ya, i did. and i dunno why, when i panicked, my mind is full of you. you. only this morning then i know this. haaa, becos i seldom panic :l ohhh whatever. morning being stuck in pasir ris is bad enough. went to sch and i have to see fuckheads in sch. ok, in other words, those disgusting ppl. hahahahah, ya. and only my close friends noe who are these disgusting ppl. well, whatever la. i saw disgusting ppl and i was very disgusted. went to the toilet after that and i wanted to puke. but dun wanna frighten ther:) rofl. so i din puke. but i was disgusted la. to hell with those disgusting ppl la. go to hell. but above all these shits, co pract was nice:) i cant stop singing feng huang yu fei now becos i played it so many freaking times jus now, [tiring like hell] it's stuck in my head now. ok, i mus go home and listen to dance of the yao tribe.

some days ago.

kekang : hmmm, are u tired of living?
me : yes.
kekang : ok,den go and kill urself.
me : ok, i will.
kekang : oi, dun hor, u kill urself i kill u.

LOL. that's so retarded la. so i will kill myself and die. den kekang will kill me again when i'm ald dead. so i will die two times? hahahaha. ohhh, come on lor. i died so many times. i died so many times i'm tired of dying ald man. so used to this type of pain killing me. the pain will jus be there non-stop. and den i will jus keep dying. a few days time, i read some things and see some things den i will die. den few days later the same thing will jus happen again. it's jus stupid. i seek my own pain. it's my stupid fault. but right now, i think i have no choice but to go home and cry the whole night. cry myself to slp. and force myself to let go. i wont hold on anymore. no... its jus pure pain for me only. i will try to let go. i will try. actually i dun wan to. i told u so many times, i wont give up. but now, u are the one forcing me to give up. i guess i have to after all. i'm tired. gimme a break. i dun wan to cry bout this anymore. cried so mant times bout this i'm sian of crying bout this ald. and nobody even know that i cry bout this. mayb except you, you saw me cry. but i think u probably dun give a damn. u jus put in more pain. ok, nvm. u give it, i take it.

one day if i die, dun ever tell me u really love me. i wont believe u. over my dead body.

i will jus go home, cry and cry. and cry myself to slp tonight. and mayb i will start to hate u for all this shit in my life,mayb i will hate u for not being here for me when i feel so miserable. ok, that's unreasonable. and dots is back! YAY. and pls note. those who insult my favourites should go to hell and never return. who do u think u are. fuckhead.

and once again, happy birthday to cadence:)


at the end of the day. all i wan and all i nit is to lean on u and cry. all i nit is to lean on u so i can cry and cry and tell u why i feel so bad. but.... whr are u?


Jun_
i'm dying ald. and i'm losing control ald, the pain is somehow too great. suddenly. and tonight, i'll jus lie on my bed, look at my phone. cry and read sms no.0511191240 last line second and third word. cry somemore and mayb cry till i slp. so dumb:(



you, the one i love_u mus read my important clarification in my next post. it's for you. and i'm jus too lazy to say it now la. so tired i can die now. byebye, missing you. miss u for ? very good question actually. god knows. and mayb i shld find the ans.