this, my last post.

sat night.
spent the night with sam. first i hear her sing that stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid sad song which totally make me more depressed. and she sang it so many thousand times. den we both got sick of that song den we started talking. bout like wat else. those stupid matters in life. and i think she's totally crazy that night. go ard calling ppl she so not suppose to call. asking weird-and-i-very-dun-wan-to-know-the-ans questions. i stopped her for like so many times i was too tired to stop her ald in the end. so it got through and den she started asking nonsense so i threw books at her. in the end, she finally decided to hang up. "my mum's scolding me ald,i cant talk ald,bye." wat a retarded excuse. aft she hang up, i collasped on my bed and scream like siao. so drama,lol. ahhh, why did i even allow her to do such rubbish. *roll eyes. hahhahahah. den i told sam how those disgusting ppl totally irritate the hell out of me.and we had fun insulting those disgusting ppl. @#$%^$%&. everything jus came out, lol. ya, those sick disgusting ppl we absolutely hate. to hell with them man.

ice cream! we went down to eat ice cream and talk. well, i tink i was like half depressed half agitated i started to say everything. everything came out. and at the end i din even dare to look at sam. and she said "this person is like ruining ur life. it's like u are in this very deep hole and u're shouting and shouting blablas name. u're shouting and shouting non-stop. all u have to do is stop shouting and u can get out of this stupid hell hole but u jus refuse to stop shouting." am i dumb? she made it sound like i'm so superly stupid and hopeless. oh wadever.

sunday.
sunday afternoon was rather painful, dun wanna talk bout it. all i rmb bout sunday was... trish actually sorta scolded me. i told her wad happened. den she said in very angry and fed up attitude. " i dunno wat to do with u ald la." "how can u.... " and blas. this is the first time trish actually gave me attitude when i was jus gonna tell her i'm in pain. it seems like even sam and trish cant accept my stupidity. sam said "by doing this, u're actually causing urself more pain." i totally ignored her. i jus kept quiet. dis time, and it's the first time, i'm in total pain and they never realise i'm calling out for help.

on the mrt home, they insisted on calculating my bmi. i dun even know what shit is that la. so they calculated and my bmi is 17. and they said it means i'm underweight. oh wadever la. i so dun care bout my weight lor. i'm in pain and den u tell me to eat. tsk. eat wad lor.

yesterday night.
ohhhh, actually i was tired. but shit clot my head and i was so troubled i couldn't slp. it's time i ask for ppls advice. i went to jasper. no respond. i think he was aslp. den i did smth i totally regret. smth that made me felt more bad. *roll eyes. abit sweet? actually, i misunderstood the meaning at first, so i said eh it sounds bit sweet. aft knowing what u actually meant. i dun think its sweet at all. i dun think u care anyway. hmmm. den i was like left alone to die at 3am. very nice time indeed. well, i thot of the exorcism of emily rose again. but this time, i recall that part in the church. emily she was so scared, crying and lying on the floor. Jason being frightened ald after wad he saw, he fell to the ground. den emily said to him " jason, dun leave me." and jason din leave her noe.

he din leave her.

6am. i cried badly again. i cried till i was tired enough to fall aslp. jasper told me exactly wat i wan to hear from him. he told me exactly wad i expect him to say. for so long, i jus din have the courage to ask ppl to tell me. for so long, i jus hide and din have the courage to hear ppl say it. now, jasper gave me the slap of reality and told me to let go. and he told me sth so horrifying i wanna puke and cry at the same time. well, jasper did exactly wad u did and actually he din mean it at all. i guess.... that's for u also. jasper told me,

our hearts have evil deeds of its own, even if we have no intention at all.

den he asked me to make a choice. it's either this, or that. den i told him. look, i dun have a choice. i have no choice. wad i wan is no. i cant have it. i cant even think of a way out. neither can jasper. i have no choice but to let go.

i chose to let go?
no.i have no choice but to let go.

i so dun feel like living ald actually. tired. ask me go ask my mum. f la, if i really die off, pls rmb u said that to me when i went to you. rmb.

life is too short for you to waste your time on doubts and worries. ok, i wont waste anymore time. i have no choice anyway.

spring cleaning.
yay. my house is like suitable for human being to view ald. LOL. or suitable for ppl to bai fang if that's wad u wanna say :l i cleared so many things. all the rubbish here and there. i threw away like thousands of papers. hahahaha, i threw away many trees i suppose:( and when in the process of digging out rubbish and throwing them away. i found many things. many nice things. letters from friends, cards from friends. awww, all so sweet:) read some letter den cry and cry. wad's with my cryings man. back again. alamak:( now if u open the drawer in my wardrobe, ya the one that is locked, u can see all those things that i value. hahahhaa, so nice:) and i dunno whr did i get the idea from, i wrote a letter and put it in that drawer. ahhh la, bit dumb, it's not like that person will come to my house to read the letter. but wadever lor, it's a letter for somebody special. for somebody i love. if that person ever enter my house, den i will open the drawer. but if u wanna read that letter, answer my questions first:) come my house! hahaha.

time.
time heal all wounds. i nit time. and i'm so not into the mood of blogging ald. i'll jus continue to write my diary entries. my diary. DET! ahahahah. so this will be like my last post, for some period of time. and i will start blogging again...... dunno when la. when i recover and everything. when i dun feel pain anymore.

important clarification.
ass. it's not even important ald. u dun even care. u dun even give a monkey. u're not affected, happily living ur stupid life. clarify wat? does it even matter to you? no. it doesn't matter to you at all, u jus say things, hurt me, den after that totally behave as if not a shit happened. that's very nice of you actually. very nice man. i believed you. i actually believed you. ok, i sound very angry. actually, i am. i'm very angry. with you. but na, dun blame you. i dun have the heart to blame you i dunno why. always and forever it's liddat. i have alot alot to tell you actually. and u gave me that impression that u so dun wanna hear. guess u're like happy with ur life now, u dun nit my say. i have alot to say. if u ever wanna hear, jus tell me. as simple as that.


to all friends who thinks i'm anorexic,in depression, or attempting suicide everyday. come on la, i'm alright. please dun worry bout me la. though i secretly hope i will die off soon. i'm ok. jus feel pain. sorta hate to take so much pain again and again. can still take it but i dun wan to take it anymore. and close friends, i jus hate those disgusting ppl la. hahahaha. to ppl who wanna know whether i'm alive or dead, pls jus come and ask me. and to those ppl who jus seem like they dun give a damn whether i'm alive or dead. ok, by all means, heck care bout me den.

YAY. my dear no.1 cello is at home. i will hug it everyday ROFL. nothing else to hug ma. hahahaha. ok, have actually. i hugged the pig ther,dots and louis bought for me. i hugged it and cry actually. oops, i dirtied the pig. lol. and i love temasek poly practices on monday nights! and from now on, i'm so alone. really alone.



i still wan my wish to come true. and i actually really really love you. when i dun wan to, becos u dun love me at all.
Jun_


bye.