Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
09 February 2006

i walked in the rain today okay.

this is one serious post i've planned to publish. like real serious.

my mind. my body. cant take it anymore. i dunno wad's happening. i began to realise that everything is in a mess. and my condition is like critical. mayb i really can put things in a light-hearted way, so ppl think it's not anything near serious. but, now, i'm worried bout myself. for the first time in my life, i'm worried bout myself. i dunno wad's happening to me.

i'm currently in this real confused state. everything is in a mess. everything appears to be in a mess. my room is in a real mess, my mind is in a mess, my relationships seem to be in a mess, my studies in a worse than ever mess. wad is my world coming to man, i dunno. i've been feeling frustrated bout things nowadays. everyday, without fail, i'll be frustrated bout something. this frustration, i dunno how to handle. it gets really bad sometimes. and i jus spoke to my bro in a real bad tone. i dunno how to handle, i cant really think. it's been like so long since i last had time to sit down and think bout things. think bout wat has happened, why did it happened, how did it ended. and so many things happened. imagine them piling up at the back of my head. i jus had no time at all to go and think bout them. and i feel so lost now, when i realise i've to go and think bout them, because i feel that my life is in such a messy state, with me dunno wat exactly is going on. trying to avoid sometimes, or jus cant concentrate on thinking. and right now at this moment, tears are in my eyes. i feel the stress of my life ald. i thot i'm numb. cos for so long, i din feel anything at all, i thot everything is okay. and i'm jus so wrong. i'm so stressed up, and only till now do i realise it.

i told myself last nite, no matter, i've to do some soul-searching today. sch work and stuffs is in a real bad mess. i dunno a thing teachers have been teaching, i cant concentrate at all, i dunno this i dunno that. i nit help, i tried ald. and i know louis is like so busy. but i jus really nit help. this is so not like me. i've never been so stressed up. and the bad thing is, i din even noe that i'm stressed up. i hear all my friends telling me that they feel so pressurized, they feel the stress. i reply them, telling them to relax, etc etc. i've been busy trying to help others, i think i sorta lost myself. i forgot bout myself. and now, when it's really getting too much, i cant take it anymore.

i dun even feel human, for god sake. i worry bout work, day in day out. stressed up by never-ending tests here and there. getting myself real tired everyday, and i dun even know wat the shit am i doing. i dun wan to eat, dun wan to slp. i dun even say things like "i wan to eat french fries." anymore, like i used to. i dun have any mood to even eat. and when i really start eating cos i have no other choice but to do so, i will jus take in a few mouthful and will lose all my attention to smth else, feeling really reluctant to eat, jus rushing off to do other things. and right now i feel so hungry i seriously dun understand why. i ate dinner ald. i drink coffee all day long, refusing to slp. knowing so well, that i'm very tired, i jus refuse to slp. this morning was so bad, i totally cant stand it anymore. i couldn't even wake up. i rmb the alarm going off, and i was holding my phone, but i jus cant see a thing, cos i was so tired, i couldn't really open my eyes and stay awake. i jus kept falling back to slp. and i dun even rmb wat was i typing in my last sms, last nite. i rmb holding my phone, typing, and i fell aslp, with my phone in hand. this is fatigue. i cant take this kinda exhaustion anymore, i'll collaspe.

being stubborn, i refuse to slp, i refuse to eat, i refuse to even tell. everything is troubling me in every single possible way, and i kept quiet. i jus wan to appear okay, fine, happy. yes, i am happy. but yet, i'm frustrated and lost at the same time. i dun even wan to tell. i dun even bother to look ard for help. i think, it's been so long since i last tell wat's bothering me, i dunno how to anymore. i really dunno how to. and the worse sets in, when i realise i cant exactly point out wats really bothering me. words fail me for the first time, i cant even express. and i have this sinking feeling in me like everyday. i feel like i wont cry anymore in future. that is smth bad. real bad. i write, speak and cry. that's how i express things out. and crying, has always and forever been the best way for me to destress. nowadays, i cant even put into words wad are those things that make me totally sad. and i dun cry anymore. i dunno why, i jus stopped crying, and i dun cry anymore. i wish i'm sobbing like now. so at least, aft that i'll feel great, like i always do aft crying in the toilet. but i jus dun cry anymore.

somehow, i feel disappointed why i can always see thru ppl, yet, nobody can really see thru me. jus why is that so? this time, i feel really alone. like, alone to deal with all these frustrations and mess. i dunno whether i can manage. but i noe i have to manage. and come to think of it, how do i seek help when i dun even know wats making me feel bad. well, at least, i helped ppl and i'm glad i did. mayb at the expense of my own happiness, but it feels good to sacrifice. somehow... i dunno whether it was obvious or not. but i jus hope i look totally okay to all of u. that's my intention. to look okay and happy. i dun wanna know that i failed to do so. adding to the miseries of others is the last thing that i ever wan to do. knowing u'll smile happily, i know its worth it. it feels good, tho it feels, lonely.

i'm going out for a walk at 10pm. i nit some quiet time to calm myself down. i've been panicking inside for the past countless days. panicking, knowing there's test the next day, knowing i have work undone, knowing i'm falling aslp, feeling hungry. nobody did calming me down. i couldn't manage to either. i jus go on panicking unconsciously, now realising that i've been panicking all the while. lost and confused, dunno wat to do. too many things coming in, yet nth escapes. i'm trapped and all is trapped inside me. i nit to sweep them off me, or i'll jus die feeling stuffed up.

bad shoulder aches again. real bad.
my sincere apologies to louis, my bud(: i feel guilty for like not replying, not calling back, not telling u things and etc etc. even giving u the worse amongst all friends that i have. i do give u the worse, like adrupt attitudes and scoldings for trivial matters, or even, for no particular reasons. and u've always been so okay with it. thank you so much. u better take care alright. dun always think so bad of urself please.

and right now, i feel really tired i dunno wat's my prob. i tried to slp jus now, and i couldn't fall aslp at all. and now that i've to do things, i feel tired. my body is so not functioning the way i wan it to function. i feel so not human. where is the human jun? i have to find her back, seriously.

and jus whr are u when i really nit to complain and pour? ur disappearance actually is making me feel lonely. and making my heart sink. like once again...

off to roam. may cars speed towards me.
_Jun.

i cry. i wan sunflowers.

please believe me again at 10:08 PM