Y
13 February 2006
13 February 2006
this is gonna be so long and naggy. i'll start from ytd.
so yah. i woke up and was supposed to do my homework. i guess, everybody knows wat happened in the end. undone. and i had to leave house for sch ald. reached sch,did the usual stuffs, pack instruments, load instruments. den had some free time, so we were told to discuss bout the drying yard instument cupboard decorating competition thingy. den i got like really excited bout it. we came up with so many ideas. like whoa, mus be fun doing it. and we came up with this idea that no other section can use. we thot of buying hooks to stick on the insides of the cupboard door so we can hang our beautiful bows and not throw them here and there and everywhr inside the cupboard. well, other section cant do this, cos they got no bows to hang, rofl -.- okay.
den on the way there i suddenly felt so excited. on the bus. i dunno why. the whole performance was okay. i got leg cramp like during the performance, damn idiotic. den everybody got very high, ppl like cadence laughed and laughed like non-stop. wad's with rumours? hahaha. then, when we were on the way back to sch after the performance, i was sad. like, really sad. it feels like everything is so over. and i realised i really do love co alot. i so dun wanna leave.
last night was drastic, somehow. its suprising how somebody elses mood can affect MY mood. i see it like that. u're my happy friend u know. i love it so much when we're BOTH happy. but when i'm really happy, only to find out u're so not. my heart jus sinks. really sink. and after feeling so excited cos finally i have smth good to tell sam, i realised, mayb after all i'm jus being too naive. wad i told her, were like nth but much of craps and stupidity. way too naive. i'm jus thinking too much, and and and, i think i'm really right. bout being naive. i'm being naive. okay?
and i feel like really helpless and lost when u're down.
then, at the time of around 2am or so. wat was the world doing? at such an unearthly time. i guess the whole world was like snoring away. so wat was i doing? i was searching and searching for this post. this particular line. from ryan's blog. his archive. and i felt so good when i finally found it. october 28th 2005. i read it when he posted it last year. it left a deep impression, indeed. cos as u can see, after like months, i still rmb this particular post of his, that particular line. and i went searching for it like in the middle of the night, frantically. i know its this one thing that can describe how i'm feeling, how do i think now. and so i found it. here goes,
why is it when people feel sad, i get lifted up?
i have decided to just give in to my fate and use this for something greater...
like using happiness to overcome others sadness.
then even tho im feeling sad because of the updraft
i take myself for granted. xD
that is the only way.
"when people feel sad, i get lifted up." yes. that describes my thinking now. i dunno since when. come to think of it, it feels like it's been liddat for awhile ald. this thinking is setting in. and i realised, i've been wanting to go search for this post of ryan's for some time ald, but i jus... cant find time:( and so. "like using happiness to overcome others sadness." that is exactly wad i wan myself to do. i want to do that. i remember being sad like almost everyday of last year. wad kinda shit life is that. i dun wan life like that again. i wanna be happy. and so wad if i'm not happy? i wan ppl ard to be happy, at least. i reckon, i've reach this stage where i so dun care bout my own unhappiness. that is, i do take myself for granted. i dun wanna care bout myself anymore. who cares if i'm upset. who cares if i'm disappointed. who cares if i'm tired. who cares if i'm frustrated. who cares if i'm pissed off. who cares if i'm so freaking jealous. rite? even i myself, i dun wanna care anymore. it feels like there's this flow of endless unsolvable problems coming my way. i do get tired, trying to address each and every single one of them. i do get confused. i do have no time. so ended up, i reckon, i shld jus. so dun give a damn bout all of them. all of them. i dun care if i'm jealous :D
and yet, another post of ryan. october 31st 2005. clownish post. i contributed okay.
well, actually chatted a lil with J of JEX last night...
dont really recall what we were talking about... ( or rather i wouldnt want to)
but we stumbled along the topic of clowns...
and we concluded clowns are noble people. one of the most.
well... clowns make people laugh, make people feel joy and fun...at least they try to =)
i used to be heck scared of clowns (like some other people i know.)...
i guess i never thought...
never knew...
that clowns are kinda sad people...
clowns. noble people. clowns are human. they do get sad too. but yet, they never fail to continue smiling, creating joy and entertainment. i wanna be a clown. okay, i shall stick to that(:
today. is rather bad. *nods. today morning was like horrible. wat to do? i started the day with cries. i'm serious. i fell aslp last nite, thinking. i woke up this morning, thinking and tired. initially, it was really to help ppl think. i was trying to help. but somehow, stupidly, i began to link it to my own problems and confusions. so i got into this really depressed mood. alright, not exactly depressed, jus really unstable. and so i vented it out on louis. im so sorry, buddy. like once again, and always and always. it was jus smth minor. and i sorta really burst, and replied "u wan do that, go do urself all u wan lah. not my prob. " yeah, i did that okay. to louis. and like shortly aft i sent that. i "cried". well, that was on bus10 anyway, yi. haha. tears din come out lah, but it was coming right out. i blinked it away. again and again. i felt guilty lah, i know its rude of me. but somehow, i jus felt so so so bad, bout that discomfort in my heart and resulting in me venting it all out on louis. my best friend obviously dun get good treatments at all. and yah, esp louis. oh well. i'm sorry. den reached sch, i dunno wat happened. i forgot wat happened, i was jus simply feeling bad and empty i guess. so i was face lying down on the table, fa ru xue was playing. den i cried. this time, really cried. but not the way i wan it though. so i went off to the toilet to wash my face and watever. guys, dun worry, i was jus..... feeling bad and empty :D
and i'm sorry for all those attitude looks and mild smiles i gave today. i know its not nice at all.
sorry.
aft sch, i stayed to finish my ss article review. i was in the canteen alone u see. trying to concentrate and all. den npcc came -.- "goooooood evening sir!" "gooooood evening sir and mdm!" i wanted to scream at them to ask them to shut up, seriously. haha, ahhhhh. that's so attitude of me. so i happily completed the article review. den handed it in. gosh, i felt to happy when i placed it in ms yati's locker. ticked my name on the name list and i was so excited and contented i was hugging myself with joy. satisfaction of completing a task. exaggerating, lol. then went off to tm to buy remaining valentine's day gifts. headache. hahahaha, short of cash. and i still have to specially get some more tmr. ohh well, since i'm free anyway xD and i sincerely hope ppl will like stop saying negative things bout valentine's day. i mean, come on, its valentine's day. stop "how ah?" "i dunno how to give!" "i dunno wat to buy!" yi even said she hate valentine's day. and that really pissed me off for a few secs. okay, she dun mean it when she said that actually. wadever it is, i'm stressed up and stuffed up totally. but i'm happy cos it's valentine's day tmr. smth nice at least. and i'm like expecting a reply, actually. a never gonna come reply. so shitty.
and yeah, so now, i'm here trying to tell everybody wad's my thinking now. and i've got this feeling nobody really knows wat the hell am i talking bout. this is jus one lil change in me then, i'm try to be positive from now on. happy even if i'm real sad. and yeah, using happiness to overcome others sadness. and also, so gonna take myself for granted. i used to jus care too much bout myeslf. sitting down everytime to think bout my own problems. addressing them, solving them one by one. i dun wanna do those anymore. feels sick. i'm jus gonna dissolve all my unhappiness away, or mayb for the time being, jus pretend that they're not there. u told me u feel screwed up, and yet ur friend needs u. and u'll jus be there for ur friend, despite wat u're feeling now. so the same thing applies. u're the one in need, now. and u can jus pour it all on me. jus pour. and i dun nit anyone to pour my sorrows and shits. i dun nit.
and anyway, the sudden news that our hcl test is today totally made things worse. imagine u go to sch one day, wondering eh when's the chinese test? i rmb its this week, but jus dun rmb its which day. den when u reach sch, u see ur friend studying chinese. and the terrible fact then sets in. the freaking chinese test is none other than today. like, made my unstable morning totally collasped. and so, i stared into the air the whole morning, wondering how come today is so shitty. argh. thank god i at least passed my maths test. i dun nit another thing to cry bout, lol.
later part of the day got better. i tried to control myself. i think i managed. i stopped staring into empty spaces, i managed to concentrate during ss lessons. screwed up hcl test of cos. i was so tired by then i was like sleeping during the test okay. i spent dunno how long reading jus one passage. and i read it like, again and again and again and again. but i jus dunno wat issit bout, cos i'm simply falling aslp, den my usual habit. write nonsense when i'm half conscious. so for today, i wrote louis and not allowed on the paper. i got a shock when i realised i wrote louis, so i sorta woke up. i'm serious. i wrote louis i dunno why. and on another page i wrote not allowed. well, its jus wad i do when i'm falling aslp u see. write random words and phrases, totally irrelevant. so chinese test really sucked okay. spoil the day even more. but nvm, i dun care bout negatives ald(:
thanks to those who really showed that u care. like hiangling who told me to smile during lessons today(: eileen who told me to cheer up when i was online the other day, jon who smsed today, jo asking whether i'm okay tho he's like more not okay than me. ther writing the smile! on that lil piece of paper and gave it to me, louis tolerating and asking me to cool down and eat ice =/ and also, for dunno wat to reply yet said that dino thingy. [ i smsed during ss lesson and said i feel uncomfortable, and asked him to tell me smth happy. that's wat i always do actually. and he din noe wat to say, and he mentioned his dino. well, i smiled. ] thanks to all who really care. i love u guys(: and most importantly, i'm really alright. dun worry bout me :D i dun die easily. and i wanna be a clown.
anyway, today when i was walking home happily, i read ur super long sms. this time, my heart din sink or anything. it plunged str down alright.
and to all who's reading this. dun be too stressed up by tests and homeworks. time management! and i believe u guys can all do it. strive on, dun give up! and smile(:
i said i wanna watch fearless. i said.
_Jun.
i'm excited bout giving gifts tmr =/ and i'm so gonna slp late cos i haven write all those lil notes:(
i wan sunflowers!
so yah. i woke up and was supposed to do my homework. i guess, everybody knows wat happened in the end. undone. and i had to leave house for sch ald. reached sch,did the usual stuffs, pack instruments, load instruments. den had some free time, so we were told to discuss bout the drying yard instument cupboard decorating competition thingy. den i got like really excited bout it. we came up with so many ideas. like whoa, mus be fun doing it. and we came up with this idea that no other section can use. we thot of buying hooks to stick on the insides of the cupboard door so we can hang our beautiful bows and not throw them here and there and everywhr inside the cupboard. well, other section cant do this, cos they got no bows to hang, rofl -.- okay.
den on the way there i suddenly felt so excited. on the bus. i dunno why. the whole performance was okay. i got leg cramp like during the performance, damn idiotic. den everybody got very high, ppl like cadence laughed and laughed like non-stop. wad's with rumours? hahaha. then, when we were on the way back to sch after the performance, i was sad. like, really sad. it feels like everything is so over. and i realised i really do love co alot. i so dun wanna leave.
last night was drastic, somehow. its suprising how somebody elses mood can affect MY mood. i see it like that. u're my happy friend u know. i love it so much when we're BOTH happy. but when i'm really happy, only to find out u're so not. my heart jus sinks. really sink. and after feeling so excited cos finally i have smth good to tell sam, i realised, mayb after all i'm jus being too naive. wad i told her, were like nth but much of craps and stupidity. way too naive. i'm jus thinking too much, and and and, i think i'm really right. bout being naive. i'm being naive. okay?
and i feel like really helpless and lost when u're down.
then, at the time of around 2am or so. wat was the world doing? at such an unearthly time. i guess the whole world was like snoring away. so wat was i doing? i was searching and searching for this post. this particular line. from ryan's blog. his archive. and i felt so good when i finally found it. october 28th 2005. i read it when he posted it last year. it left a deep impression, indeed. cos as u can see, after like months, i still rmb this particular post of his, that particular line. and i went searching for it like in the middle of the night, frantically. i know its this one thing that can describe how i'm feeling, how do i think now. and so i found it. here goes,
why is it when people feel sad, i get lifted up?
i have decided to just give in to my fate and use this for something greater...
like using happiness to overcome others sadness.
then even tho im feeling sad because of the updraft
i take myself for granted. xD
that is the only way.
"when people feel sad, i get lifted up." yes. that describes my thinking now. i dunno since when. come to think of it, it feels like it's been liddat for awhile ald. this thinking is setting in. and i realised, i've been wanting to go search for this post of ryan's for some time ald, but i jus... cant find time:( and so. "like using happiness to overcome others sadness." that is exactly wad i wan myself to do. i want to do that. i remember being sad like almost everyday of last year. wad kinda shit life is that. i dun wan life like that again. i wanna be happy. and so wad if i'm not happy? i wan ppl ard to be happy, at least. i reckon, i've reach this stage where i so dun care bout my own unhappiness. that is, i do take myself for granted. i dun wanna care bout myself anymore. who cares if i'm upset. who cares if i'm disappointed. who cares if i'm tired. who cares if i'm frustrated. who cares if i'm pissed off. who cares if i'm so freaking jealous. rite? even i myself, i dun wanna care anymore. it feels like there's this flow of endless unsolvable problems coming my way. i do get tired, trying to address each and every single one of them. i do get confused. i do have no time. so ended up, i reckon, i shld jus. so dun give a damn bout all of them. all of them. i dun care if i'm jealous :D
and yet, another post of ryan. october 31st 2005. clownish post. i contributed okay.
well, actually chatted a lil with J of JEX last night...
dont really recall what we were talking about... ( or rather i wouldnt want to)
but we stumbled along the topic of clowns...
and we concluded clowns are noble people. one of the most.
well... clowns make people laugh, make people feel joy and fun...at least they try to =)
i used to be heck scared of clowns (like some other people i know.)...
i guess i never thought...
never knew...
that clowns are kinda sad people...
clowns. noble people. clowns are human. they do get sad too. but yet, they never fail to continue smiling, creating joy and entertainment. i wanna be a clown. okay, i shall stick to that(:
today. is rather bad. *nods. today morning was like horrible. wat to do? i started the day with cries. i'm serious. i fell aslp last nite, thinking. i woke up this morning, thinking and tired. initially, it was really to help ppl think. i was trying to help. but somehow, stupidly, i began to link it to my own problems and confusions. so i got into this really depressed mood. alright, not exactly depressed, jus really unstable. and so i vented it out on louis. im so sorry, buddy. like once again, and always and always. it was jus smth minor. and i sorta really burst, and replied "u wan do that, go do urself all u wan lah. not my prob. " yeah, i did that okay. to louis. and like shortly aft i sent that. i "cried". well, that was on bus10 anyway, yi. haha. tears din come out lah, but it was coming right out. i blinked it away. again and again. i felt guilty lah, i know its rude of me. but somehow, i jus felt so so so bad, bout that discomfort in my heart and resulting in me venting it all out on louis. my best friend obviously dun get good treatments at all. and yah, esp louis. oh well. i'm sorry. den reached sch, i dunno wat happened. i forgot wat happened, i was jus simply feeling bad and empty i guess. so i was face lying down on the table, fa ru xue was playing. den i cried. this time, really cried. but not the way i wan it though. so i went off to the toilet to wash my face and watever. guys, dun worry, i was jus..... feeling bad and empty :D
and i'm sorry for all those attitude looks and mild smiles i gave today. i know its not nice at all.
sorry.
aft sch, i stayed to finish my ss article review. i was in the canteen alone u see. trying to concentrate and all. den npcc came -.- "goooooood evening sir!" "gooooood evening sir and mdm!" i wanted to scream at them to ask them to shut up, seriously. haha, ahhhhh. that's so attitude of me. so i happily completed the article review. den handed it in. gosh, i felt to happy when i placed it in ms yati's locker. ticked my name on the name list and i was so excited and contented i was hugging myself with joy. satisfaction of completing a task. exaggerating, lol. then went off to tm to buy remaining valentine's day gifts. headache. hahahaha, short of cash. and i still have to specially get some more tmr. ohh well, since i'm free anyway xD and i sincerely hope ppl will like stop saying negative things bout valentine's day. i mean, come on, its valentine's day. stop "how ah?" "i dunno how to give!" "i dunno wat to buy!" yi even said she hate valentine's day. and that really pissed me off for a few secs. okay, she dun mean it when she said that actually. wadever it is, i'm stressed up and stuffed up totally. but i'm happy cos it's valentine's day tmr. smth nice at least. and i'm like expecting a reply, actually. a never gonna come reply. so shitty.
and yeah, so now, i'm here trying to tell everybody wad's my thinking now. and i've got this feeling nobody really knows wat the hell am i talking bout. this is jus one lil change in me then, i'm try to be positive from now on. happy even if i'm real sad. and yeah, using happiness to overcome others sadness. and also, so gonna take myself for granted. i used to jus care too much bout myeslf. sitting down everytime to think bout my own problems. addressing them, solving them one by one. i dun wanna do those anymore. feels sick. i'm jus gonna dissolve all my unhappiness away, or mayb for the time being, jus pretend that they're not there. u told me u feel screwed up, and yet ur friend needs u. and u'll jus be there for ur friend, despite wat u're feeling now. so the same thing applies. u're the one in need, now. and u can jus pour it all on me. jus pour. and i dun nit anyone to pour my sorrows and shits. i dun nit.
and anyway, the sudden news that our hcl test is today totally made things worse. imagine u go to sch one day, wondering eh when's the chinese test? i rmb its this week, but jus dun rmb its which day. den when u reach sch, u see ur friend studying chinese. and the terrible fact then sets in. the freaking chinese test is none other than today. like, made my unstable morning totally collasped. and so, i stared into the air the whole morning, wondering how come today is so shitty. argh. thank god i at least passed my maths test. i dun nit another thing to cry bout, lol.
later part of the day got better. i tried to control myself. i think i managed. i stopped staring into empty spaces, i managed to concentrate during ss lessons. screwed up hcl test of cos. i was so tired by then i was like sleeping during the test okay. i spent dunno how long reading jus one passage. and i read it like, again and again and again and again. but i jus dunno wat issit bout, cos i'm simply falling aslp, den my usual habit. write nonsense when i'm half conscious. so for today, i wrote louis and not allowed on the paper. i got a shock when i realised i wrote louis, so i sorta woke up. i'm serious. i wrote louis i dunno why. and on another page i wrote not allowed. well, its jus wad i do when i'm falling aslp u see. write random words and phrases, totally irrelevant. so chinese test really sucked okay. spoil the day even more. but nvm, i dun care bout negatives ald(:
thanks to those who really showed that u care. like hiangling who told me to smile during lessons today(: eileen who told me to cheer up when i was online the other day, jon who smsed today, jo asking whether i'm okay tho he's like more not okay than me. ther writing the smile! on that lil piece of paper and gave it to me, louis tolerating and asking me to cool down and eat ice =/ and also, for dunno wat to reply yet said that dino thingy. [ i smsed during ss lesson and said i feel uncomfortable, and asked him to tell me smth happy. that's wat i always do actually. and he din noe wat to say, and he mentioned his dino. well, i smiled. ] thanks to all who really care. i love u guys(: and most importantly, i'm really alright. dun worry bout me :D i dun die easily. and i wanna be a clown.
anyway, today when i was walking home happily, i read ur super long sms. this time, my heart din sink or anything. it plunged str down alright.
and to all who's reading this. dun be too stressed up by tests and homeworks. time management! and i believe u guys can all do it. strive on, dun give up! and smile(:
yea. the cute dino of louis which made me smile even before i saw it. can u believe it? louis was the one who drew this. LOUIS. *faints.
i said i wanna watch fearless. i said.
_Jun.
i'm excited bout giving gifts tmr =/ and i'm so gonna slp late cos i haven write all those lil notes:(
i wan sunflowers!
please believe me again at 11:48 PM
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