Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
30 March 2006

and i'm just really scared.

today was a great day! haven really had happy days like that for long.

first, PE was fun. battle of the sexes eh, girls against the guys for netball. everybody had a great time i guess. at least, ther and yi did lah(:

after that was chem practical. okay, this is one of the best practical i ever had. i completed the titration much before many. but i din know how to do the theory part:( louis laughed at me. haha. so i sat there and watched the others going thru the mad rush. and waited for somebody to teach me how to do the theory part. redox titration:) the colourless solution we get at the end of it all, it looked so clean, so pure. i felt so good looking at it. den everybody crazily rushed thru the theory questions. and the nicest practical session i ever had ended with the usual stuffs. helping hiangling and yi clear their stuffs. den lifang commented that both of them together is somewhat a gd combination. slow ppl unite(: HAHAHA.

i was halfway to madness during recess. was revising and revising for chem test for the dunno how many bloody times. i jus couldn't relax. drank milk(: den after that was english. had the compre test, we had so much time it was like too much lah. i finished the questions, SLEPT, woke up, reply smses and still, time's not up. nice sleep i had, lol(:

so it ended, den went for chinese lessons. there was no teacher can. so we had free periods. was revising non-stop still cos no matter wat i jus couldn't relax bout the bloody test. we called for delivery mac for lunch. so happening seh, today. so ate and revised, still -.- i reached the point that i was scared i'd go mad any moment and my brain did jus drop out or smth okay. so i decided to relax and jus dun care anymore. i know i studied every single thing i know i'm supposed to study. and i revised like two thousand times ald and i still couldn't stop revising. that was the best i can do. or mayb not?

so came chem test. i was so bloody disappointed cos i couldn't figure out the ans for the QA question, that was worth 5marks. i got really confused in the end, and i felt like i was gonna break into pieces anytime. i wrote some rubbish answers. sigh, so much for studying QA like mad. shall study more QA(: but actually the weird thing is, QA revived my love for chemistry. that long lost love for chemistry. okay, now i so love my sciences. i love physics and i love chemistry. i shall go try to love my maths(:

i did my best?

so, my dad jus sorta scolded me. for using the com? sigh. i dunno why, but i jus feel so unappreciated sometimes. why do ppl jus dun see my efforts? for the past two weeks i haven been using that much of the com luh, cos i was following my plan all along. and this is wat i get. it's not that i wan ppl to praise me. i jus wan ppl to trust me, trust that i'm sensible and i know wat im doing in my life. i jus wan ppl to recognise my efforts cos its really really not easy for me now. u dun have to praise me, u jus have to know im really putting in effort even though im so tired i feel i cant go on anymore. u dun have to say anything, u jus have to know it. and times when things like "u better study hard and stop going ard having no idea wat u are doing." are said to me. it jus tells me that, u dunno im putting in alot of efforts. i nit strong ppl to give me encouragements.

strong ppl.

if u're weak urself, do u think ur encouragement will be impactful to me? i dun nit times that i receive encouragement, feeling comforted initially, only to feel tired the next moment when i recall the fact that u're the one who needs more encouragement and help. so i cant lean, and instead, i mus pull u up. im tired and im not that strong. but seriously, wat choice do i have? its not a matter of choice anymore.

if i cant pull u up, i'd at least drag u along with me.

no such thing as abandoning! the times that i felt confident and i tell myself readily that i can do it and i dun have to lean on anyone to climb up. those times are gone and dissolved away. i dunno wat this will turn out to be, but im really very tired. i dunno how long i can go on and not collapse, but i know, if i do collapse, i'd jus stand up and still go for it. i have to.

this is a time when there's no such thing as "i dun wan." of cos i wan. to succeed, to prove, to improve, to pull u up. but i feel that i cant do it. then i tell myself. there's no such thing as "i cannot." im getting bit too uptight. i think sooner or later i'd jus say things im not allowing myself to say now. i so wan to step in and interfere ur time. i sense this mad urgency in life now and the pressure that comes in and stay every single day. im constantly being reminded of all these everyday.

i nit therapy lah. HAHA.

okay, i gave up on dinner. it's horrible to eat with that ugly ulcer on my stupid tongue. mayb i should try cutting my tongue off. AHA SADISTIC. pls jus buy me DRY. COLD. stuffs. so i can eat without pain((((((:

im supposed to be doing maths now okay. tsk.

sigh, now i mus write down things so i can tell john, cos im simply messed up with thots. i think problems and thots are getting too much i cant address them anymore. they are jus at the back of my head and i know they are there. and i jus dunno how to phrase them. and i dunno wats bout them. mayb its time i go write diary entries again. det(: this so dun feels like me, i cant focus anymore. and im jus plainly.

scared.

sorry john:(
musical tmr! cant wait. and sat too(:

pondering,
jun.

it's times like this when i drag u alongside with my tired soul.

please believe me again at 9:26 PM