mental breakdown.

i cant exactly point out wat made me tear. i think i put this under the category commonly known as stress. mental stress i call it.
i think so.

if i were to list out all those that are crashing down on me, there are over ten of them. and very strangely, i realised majority of these arent my problem at all. they are other ppl's problem. am i caring too much, probing too much, i dunno. but i think i'm letting all these affecting me quite abit. abit too much i guess. i dunno. it's in my blood i think. to be stupid and jus care, even when some dun appreciate it at all.

wat do i do when i get to my com? go to favourites and go through all those blogs listed in it. one whole list. all the blogs of my friends. or any other sites or stuffs that might tell me wat has been happening to them. i dun just sit there and guess.

i f i n d o u t.

and when i cant, i guess. when i cant guess it, i worry. after worrying, i ask. u dun tell, i worry more. and this happens time and again. again and again. one friend after another friend. but i dun mind(: i see it my responsibility. you guys are all my friends, and it's jus right for me to care. and still care.

my mum screamed at me jus now. i see that as an outburst of frustrations. i was frustrated too. but u know, when things liddat happen and my parents scream at me. watever i'm feeling at the moment, whether i'm sad, angry, happy, frustrated or watever. i jus keep quiet. silence from me. life wont be any better if i have to live with the guilt of screaming back at my parents. it's all my fault.

i think, i jus experienced a moment of not understanding myself. i jus dun get why am i feeling liddat. its jus smth so simple. u told me a simple sentence of information. and deep inside i went like... blah, i dun like this. and i dun even understand why okay. i dun understand. mayb i was jus upset by the stress and all. i dun call this negligence, i wanted to. i think it's more like unreasonable i was. u cant see my face and i thank god for that. it's the only times u cant see through me. when u cant see my idiotic face of never ending stress and confusions. okay mayb not.

suddenly this thot come piercing right into me. issit because i feel that no other human being is spending time trying to understand me? and so, u're the only one who is stupid and nice enough to do so. and as a result, unknowingly i want u to spend all the time on me. this sounds retarded and senseless. sorry i'm not talking any sense here. its jus all that is going thru in my shit head.

i'm sorry for grousing about all these here and making this place stuffed with melancholy. i'm talking bout smth called my life over here. so weird rite.

if u're wondering am i like totally depressed and suicidal. i'm so not. i'm calm and breathing. not banging my head against the wall, not cutting my wrist, not attempting to jump down, not forcing down detergent. do not worry bout me(:

and there goes louis telling me that conversations with me everyday has been the same but i jus say it in a different manner. i dunno wat is he trying to tell me by saying that. but somehow it feels like "i dun get why are u telling me the same thing everyday. u're wasting time and ur efforts are actually going down the drain." jus one sentence. enough to set me thinking again. so am i redundent or wat.

shit. i jus realised that i've been telling ppl the same things everytime. just in a different way. exactly wat i have been doing to louis. ohhhhhhhhhh, am i some kinda failure.

no failures.
only learning experiences.

alright, it's time i start to really think how i have been treating ppl.

here's the who and wat(:
L O U I S
thank you for always saying mean things to me, negative comments make me think and reflect on myself. i mean it(: nobody else ard will really come to me and give me negative comments, or scold me when i really rot way beyond the limit. and most of the time, that's wat i really nit. sorry for always and forever telling u the same old things, haha. but u know why i do that. jus recently do i realise actually u are going thru smth possibly tougher than wat i went thru, or wat any other ppl might be going thru. ur character plus all those that u get, it's jus difficult for u, i know. but u have got to understand, u have to go thru pain in order to get well and happy. i worry bout u and i want the best for you. i see the potential in you and i believe in you. that u will do well and all. dun risk ruining ur future jus because of the mismanagement of ur outbursting emotions. u get me. take care and enjoy ur bathings, bud(:

TEACH ME MATHS OKAY :DD

J O H N <3
when i get frustrated and lose control of myself. please jus let me pinch ur face. HAHA. i'm sorry it's u who have to see all the negative side of me. my attitudes and starings. and most of the time its not about u or wat at all. it's bout those many other things that i'm too occupied with. will u jus stop worrying bout me(: i'm generally stable and alive. so please jus dun worry. if i have the energy to open my eyes and look at you, it means i still can make it and you have to understand that i'm used to many things in my life that u find very adnormal and worth worrying bout. its my life. i'm so used to it that when u tell me u find it bad, i dun get why. okay? hahahaha. thanks for ever being there for me when i'm in need of attention, care, help or watever. i know u have ur own problems and troubles too, and having to deal with those of urs, u still care and think for me. thank you so much(: i find it very amazing how u can see thru me no matter wat shit excuses and lies i come up with. i think nobody else ard can(: stop observing me can? haha. and the lengthy sms u jus sent me made me smile! and u know, i dun get why u think u're irritating me when most of the time i think i'm the irritating one, rofl. work hard and rmb u have a bright future cos of the metal cans that u will be collecting(: i'm here to help you, rmb. i look forward to term two also. and please scold me if i rot too much. and up till this moment, i still can tahan ur aunty/ah pek/little gal/little boy character. i think. and ohhh, chicken scratches are cute stuffs(:

i'm sorry to say i might run away with charlie brown one day(:
HAHA.

T H E R & Y I
private and confidential. written and presented glamly in our lil j.e.x book(:

S A M & E V I E
IT'S SUNSHINE TIME! miss you gals alot and seeing u all tmr <3

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i'm a contented being. despite all the problems flowing in and out here and there and everywhr and all the responsibilities weighing me down. yes i do detest all the bloody shit i get in my life, but i dun care and not gonna let them pull me back into hell. i'm happy with life((((:

happy,
jun.

craving for chocolates. and you.