Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
19 March 2006

sudden adrenaline rush or wat? i dunno.

the following weeks aft sch reopens seems possibly tough and full of stress and obstacles. i'm afraid when sch haven even start. this is wat i call inner fear. i'm afraid things won't turn out good. i'm worried everything will be screwed up once again. i fear the fact that i might be also one of those ppl who are simply going ard in circles. i'm scared.

i nit ppl's relentless support also.

if u dun provide, never mind. i can do it myself.

jus read somebody's blog. this person i'm talking bout here has nth to do with me. he/she's business is seriously NONE OF MY BUSINESS. but yeah, related to one of my friend, so i jus read. i laughed my head off u know. i cant believe how ppl can scold and scold using the wrong things to scold and for such a weird reason. nobody will agree with me, but it's jus how i feel. how stupid ppl jus simply carry on being stupid. and the most retarded thing to do in the world. repeat the bloody mistake u made and still going in circles. friend, u know i'm talking bout u. but somehow i realised, its not really a mistake that u made. it's smth to do with ur idiotic attitude towards life. u dun change and u jus carry on liddat. since when? i dunno. since long ago i guess. and i dunno whether u're the blockhead or am i the one. i've been telling u wat? the same old things over and over again. up till now, i'm seriously tired ald. this is so freaking amazing. i'm not the type who says "i'm stupidly tired ald." and then i jus let go and give up. u know i'm not that type at all. yes, i haven give up, but i jus wont try any harder anymore. its up to u whether u wan to change, u know. i know its difficult for u to change and u dunno how to go bout doing it. there are ways, it's jus all up to u. and whether u wanna put in the effort to change. and make ur life a better one.

ask urself how long have u rotted. and whether u wanna carry on.

if u wanna carry on. by all means(:

i've reach the point which i think i'm of no use ald. wat i've been telling u for years and years and donkey years, has absolutely no impact on u, it jus goes into ur stagnant head, and then? leave ur head. totally.

but why do i still go on telling u and even dedicating these needless paragraphs to u in my blog here? because i'm not that type who gives up jus becos u dun listen to me and wanna play merry-go-round. fun eh? go on. i can tell u, i wont give up on helping u cos u matter to me even as an invisible friend. i jus have to tell u, if u fall, i will break your fall.

and still tell u the same old things.

but pls, u have to know u're repeating. haven u realise?!

this applies to all friends of mine. dun play merry-go-round anymore. but well, if u wanna play. and u get too giddy, jus look for me.

anyway, i'm glad i'm me and i dun go in circles :D

or if i do, at least i know i'm going in circles. at least i know.

sorry that i always stop replying at the super wrong times. it wont happen again okay? i feel so utterly guilty for not being there. well, and i felt so thankful bout the pocky wrapper luh ;D i think i shld scribble on little little stuffs often. they will go to ur rescue when i stupidly become detestable and dun reply, rofl.

insensible creatures.

pls jus wake up and move on. u have been stuck down there absolutely too long. only u urself can pull urself out of those hell u've been in and u simply refuse to. please jus do smth and get out of it. or u'd go on suffering and ppl who try to help u suffer too. bloody hell.

sch again from tomorrow onwards. mid-year when? in six short weeks.
extremely dreadful. ~~can i dun think bout all this.~~

sorry. it seems like i'm attempting to escape from reality. but u know. i'm deeply upset bout the setbacks i brought upon myself previously. i'm somewhat uneager to face the future. too scared to look. i cant fall anymore, i know. i dun wan to see myself fall again. and the next few weeks, crucial period. if things dun turn out good, i'm so dead. and it simply implies that i fell again. all these expectations and anxiety within. making me fear the upcoming weeks, totally. this is not the time i witness my own failure again. if it happens, i dunno wat's gonna happen to me. i will end up in some kinda bottomless pit of self-reprimanding and disappointment. all i nit is another failure, and my confidence will be on a rocket further plunging down to zero.

high high expectations of myself. huge huge hope to succeed.
results in unlimited stress.

but that doesnt mean i'm stressed up and i will jus explode and then give up on everything. no way, thats not me at all. i will jus.. carry the stress, expectations and hope and strive on becos i have to. well, i know i have support from ppl too(: my fears comes naturally, i cant help it. i fear becos i dun wan to fall again, it will be bad.

i d u n w a n t.

and so, i jus have to work hard, i know. i work with fears, expectations, hopes, and supports. i can. if i think i can. and,

i think i can(:

:DD my love.

rofl.

i love john too and he's so understanding(:
off to do my plannings, and homeworks. okay, byebye.

afraid,
jun.

please jus give me the push that i'm in nit of.

please believe me again at 2:06 PM