Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
18 March 2006

tonight is kinda special.

when the world is finally quiet, and i'm left alone. it's time i sit down to think(:

i felt the stress since this morning.

i think the one and only thing in the entire universe which can totally pull my self-esteem to the lowest point of all is, well. none other then..

M A T H S.

u heard it, i'm currently in this totally pathetic state when it comes to maths. ~~my confidence is plunging~~

hectic life!
i think i'm bit adnormal ald. mayb all the rushing here and there and everywhr is really making me confused. cannot focus anymore. i jus took like 4mins or so to figure out wat day it is today. alright, today is saturday. my thots jus flew in all directions, i dunno why. i jus asked myself so wat day issit today? and i couldn't answer. why? my thots are all over the place, thats why. couldn't even focus and answer myself. TODAY IS SATURDAY LUH.

thursday went suntanning with sam and evie, it was fun. took like hundred over pictures. it was like war with the camera or wat okay. ate at pizza hut, bloody nice. intended to elaborate. but as u can see now, i'm currently in cannot-focus state. so, shall forget bout elaborating then. u jus have to know it was a fun fun day for me, haha. though we din really get much of the stupid sun which was hiding behind those clouds.

oh. then after that at night, ended up with john in mrt when going home. and ended up talking and talking all the way until 2:30am in the morning. ahahaha, that was nice. thank you for ur jacket(: and also wanting to stay with me becos my sister so irritatingly went to her friend's hse to stay at the wrong time. i dunno why i suddenly recall the exorcism of emily rose again. so sudden, and irritating.

and anyway, i finally returned home. read this sms from sam and i forgot bout exorcism of emily rose ald. SAM&YIRUN <3

slept at 5am. woke at 12:30pm. was super irritated with myself cos i was supposed to wake at 10:30am. was late for co ald then. and the most stupid thing is the idiotic bus10 have to screw up at times like this. all the passengers got off after two stops. took up so much of my time man. wanted to scream at the bus. practice was okay. but many weren't there. fronda went overseas, lynette, sijia and cad went for slc. theo dunno why never come, tsk. that leaves me with huiping, weetong and yan en plus the juniors. i'm okay with it, jus felt lil empty =/

practice ended early, i was like stunned, lol. den decided to rush home, put things then meet the rest. so, rushed. i was like panicking all the way, like argh. late ald late ald. haha. den met trish and john at pasir ris mrt platform. aft that meet sam, evie and yirun. den we waited and waited. (billy bombers) den that guy who served us. the way he talked. and smiled, so funny can. i was laughing my head off. he was saying "no problem, no problem." but u know wat, i heard "no prom, no prom." then he was smiling like i-dunno-how-to-describe. like some kinda moron smile, ROFL. okay, john, so now u know wat i was laughing at? hahaha. food was bloody nice. i love the cookies&cream milkshake and the cheese fries. wanna eat again! lol. and we were all so full after that we din really dare to laugh. wad if we laugh and puke, lol. gosh, dun wanna imagine that. and the dinner ended with yirun saying he will pay the bill with nets. yirun was like so cool luh. but we did pay him back aft that. okay, let's not talk bout how some ppl can so happily have nets card, but then dunno it's nets card. ~~john~~

it was $99.21 anyway.

after that walked abit den decided to go home. went to send evie off. den she decided to take cab. and we went to the taxi stand. and the stupid thing is the taxis that went to that taxi stand were all on call. so we waited like so long there. took like half and hour or longer. then finally said bye to evie den the rest of us went home. i so dunno wat to do bout evie's problem. it seems like there's no way out. it seems serious yet not that serious. i dunno how deep is she into it. but i know sch's reopening and we wont be in contact with her everyday. and i dunno wat's gonna happen. i dun wan anything to happen. okay, wadever.

today. got pissed off with myself again. was supposed to wake at 7:30am then i woke at 10:17am. and i was supposed to meet louis at 10am. so sorry, louis:( okay, managed to finish the permutation&combination and functions homework. left with the other three topics. settle tmr, and if i dunno how to do, i'm jus gonna call louis and ask. if still cant get it done, i'll kill myself. ~~okay, i'll kill myself.~~ anyway, louis, i've never really seen u so frustrated when doing maths before. u looked like really frustrated and irritated today. i hope nothing's wrong. and, the way u suddenly alight when 292 reached ur stop, it made me feel like i'm abandoning u or smth. T S K. dun like it:(

den went to meet john after that. walked one big round then decided to go expo ald, haha. and i know, sooner or later i'll jus go hall8. i jus dunno when. ate cup corn and pocky, hahaha. oh, i'll keep the pocky box(: *winks* it was then i felt some stress again. some kinda unknown stress. i dunno why this stress exist anyway. it's of nothingness. and dilly dally here and there. met valerie and karen. valerie look like some great counsellor. she gave me the feeling that she's one who can talk ppl outta shit. okay, she IS one such person(: and i jus saw karen under "viewed my profile" in friendster. oh well, haha =/

so, for service, john left.

walked all the way to the stupid bus stop to take bus38. i was wearing long sleeve can -.- watever. then watched yours, mine and ours with cad and jon. nice movie. cad kept saying "so cute!" haha. yeah, those little kids in the movie(: my gosh, imagine having 17 siblings. fun or wat? lol. can be fun yeah. but when u're in a bad mood, uh oh. any one of the 17 can make u mad okay. hahahah. but i've always wanted a elder brother. oh well, i cant do anything bout this, rofl. and the lighthouse in the movie. and the story bout the lighthouse keeper, so romantic.

i wan to live in a lighthouse!

okay. that's wat took place for the past few days. and here i am now, sitting down to think.

i can't really focus, but i know wat i wan to say. read john's post last night. here goes..

I went out with girlfriend after cg.=).To meet her close friends.I'm amazed by the friendship they all have among each other.I never really had such a close friendship with a group of people.The way they discussed about another's problems.The concern they have for each other.Its really deep.I"m glad you have such great friendships Jun.=).They worry for each other can.

SPEAKING ABOUT THAT.

This is a message to the guilty people who are close to Jun:

She values you.She thinks for you.She worries for you.She puts you on her heart.She takes you upon as a burden.And she carries it without grudge.When things happen to you,things that she knows would affect you,she worries.You may not know,but she's just worrying how'd you pick yourself up.She asks herself what she can do to help.She asks you how are you.She asks you to share.She gets stressed at times when she thinks for all your shit.And all you do is,make her guess more,close yourself,refuse to move on,vent your frustration infront of her.I think its enough.Of her trying to help you deal with your same old problem.You just refuse to move on.JUst keep making it so difficult.You're just selfish.So bloody selfish.If you can't even be strong and move on for the people who care and love you,what the hell are you living for then?All you want to do is live in your bloody self pity state.And let the people around you know how pathetic it is to be in the pits.All you want is for people to know that"I AM ANGRY.","I AM DISAPPOINTED".Its all about"ME MYSELF AND I NOT HAPPY AND THE WHOLE WORLD MUST KNOW IT."And Jun is always there for you,so you dump all the shit on her.And if you ever notice,she's still there for you.Make it all so difficult.When things are jsut simple.She doesn't complain.She doesn't entertain the thought of giving up.Because you matter to her.And yet,you make her feel at times that she doesn't matter.You make her feel she makes no difference.OF COURSE THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.BECAUSE YOU BLOODY DON'T WANT TO MOVE ON.You know?When people don't move on,and stay there,you know what happens?They gradually move backwards.And so,you move backwards.Go on and move backwards.I tell you,Jun will still be there for you.Will you jsut stop it.Can't you jsut move on?Your problem is nothing compared to the type of things other people face.You waste your time,jun's time,other ppl time when you refuse to move on.Sorry that I use this harsh tone.But its time to be harsh if you refuse to move when people support you gently.You just need this bloody kick in the face.Please move on.Again I plead.Since you refuse to move on,at least appreciate,that there is a girl,at your side,still hopin and making sure you bloody move on.You have her relentless support.Okay.

Sigh.All those just vomitted out.Haha.Who is it to?I don't really know,but if you feel guilty after reading it.I guess its for you.Anyway,just wanna say, to you people,especially esther xinyi,louis,evie,sam and even ryan.You all so bloody matter to her can.Even when she's out with her boyfriend,she'd stare into space and think about your troubles.Its like,she even has you on her mind when she's with her boyfriend can.You people matter so much to her.And she loves you all.And yea,till this very moment,you people are still in her heart.Treasure her cause she treasures you people so much.

----------------------------------------

john needs therapy badly. he's too stressed up himself and he worries way too much bout me.

well, wat do i think?

"I think its enough.Of her trying to help you deal with your same old problem.You just refuse to move on.JUst keep making it so difficult.You're just selfish.So bloody selfish."

oh well, it's not THAT bad luh. john, relax. not really selfish, i'd say stuck(: i know how it is like, to be jus stuck. jus simply stuck there, down there at the bottom of life. and it feels like u cant ever get out of those shit after trying for so long. but i've always believe there's no such thing as cannot. impossible is nothing(: and why do i still help ppl with their same old problem and say the same things to the same ppl each and every time. HAHA, becos i was once liddat and i know how it feels. i know how sucky that feeling is, how helpless u'd feel, stuck in those shits. so i dun wan anybody ard me to feel liddat. so i'd jus help. AND SAY THE SAME OLD THINGS AGAIN :D

"If you can't even be strong and move on for the people who care and love you,what the hell are you living for then?All you want to do is live in your bloody self pity state."

uh huh. i'm not the only one who care and love ppl ard me. hey ppl, think of ur parents and all other friends. they all care and love too. so if u are jus stuck down there, and u know u are not moving on. pls jus move on. u dun wan to be stuck there forever, letting those ppl who care down.

"She doesn't complain.She doesn't entertain the thought of giving up.Because you matter to her."

*nods* okay, actually i do complain wat(: ahahaha. in my posts, i do. dun i? btw, yahhhhhhhhh. i so dun intend to give up on things liddat. how can i give up on my friends -.- and if u realised i've been trying to help u, it simply means u matter to me. in any ways i may deliver it. i give u attitude, i scold u, i beg u, i try to persuade u, i nag at you, i pester you blablaBLA. if i even bother to ask u wat's bothering u, it means u matter to me. or u think i will bloody care whether u die or live? (:

"You know?When people don't move on,and stay there,you know what happens?They gradually move backwards.And so,you move backwards."

hey i agree with this. dun ever think its alright to stay in that one bloody problem. u stay in it too long, it will jus get worse. the longer u stay in that problem, the deeper u get into it, the deeper u get into it, the more u move backwards. why do ppl with stupid attitudes jus carry on giving their attitudes and cant change for the better? i noticed these are the ppl who grow up facing problems and they dunno how to solve these problems, and the bad thing is, all along, nobody help them with these problems. and they jus live life with those problems passing and not solved. jus there. and they dun get stronger, they get weaker. cos they dun face things properly, and nobody helps them with it. and after years and years of this kinda life, they jus become liddat. and that's them ald. it's difficult to change, but it's not impossible. rmb? we are made up of experiences we went thru and interactions with ppl who enter and leave our life. those ppl with the wrong character, wrong attitude towards life, and simply rotting their life away, are those who met wrong ppl in life, face problems but dunno how to solve. and when nobody helps them, they turn liddat. wrong and dunno. lost and rotten. but u know, it's not impossible to change. the choice is urs. whether u wanna rot on, or u wanna change for the better, change ur attitude towards life. friend, u know i'm talking bout u. yes

Y O U.

"Anyway,just wanna say, to you people,especially esther xinyi,louis,evie,sam and even ryan.You all so bloody matter to her can."

yea(: u ppl matter alot to me!

"Even when she's out with her boyfriend,she'd stare into space and think about your troubles.Its like,she even has you on her mind when she's with her boyfriend can.You people matter so much to her.And she loves you all."

tsk. JOHN ARE U COMPLAINING OR WAT. hahaha, dun have lor. u're exaggerating okay. TSK.

this whole thing is making my post very long. anyway, john is so agitated i dunno why xD he exaggerated alot actually, i think. i care for my friends, so i think bout them. when i think bout them, i think bout their problems. then i realised, they nit help. so i try to think of how i can help. one leads to another u see. well, u ppl care for me in return. this is wat friends are for(: and so wat if i have quite a few friends with problems and i'm trying to help. at least these are generally sensible ppl. imagine trying to help those super insensible beings. totally the extreme. wants to commit suicide and all, complain the whole day long and yet dun wan to do a single thing to help him/herself. i'm thankful i have no friends liddat. some ppl do *winks* and helping friends liddat mus be tough. being jus there for them is ald a stressful thing to do. but, wat are friends for? (:

john, thank you for thinking so much bout me and worrying way over the limit ever. can u jus stop worrying bout me, i told u i'm stable and fine and HAPPY, okay? believe? hahahaha. i know u'd help me too, so i dun worry, and i'm not scared. u have problems too, so do not worry bout me. i can deal with things myself. thanks for giving useful opinions bout those things that i share with you. it's seriously so none of ur business, but u still care to listen, thank you(: i really dun get how u always can know wat i'm feeling at the moment. u know, i was jus thinking "okay at least now he doesn't know i'm feeling damn stressed up." and then next moment, i read ur sms "darling, i know u're stressed..." *drops on the floor and die* which thing did i said that actually let u know i'm stressed? argh. why am i like transparent? rofl. i know sometimes i act like i'm one insensible stupid kid. okay mayb i am one, watever. ahahahha, but u know, i'm one strong one(:

wait. i still have alot to say.

s t r e s s

yes, i admit i'm stressed up. by alot alot of things. never ending list. but, i also realised, stress is like so part of my life ald. i'm actually used to stress. i jus "i feel so stressed up." but i actually dun really feel it. this sounds very profound, but watever. i'm jus used to it ald. living with it. i used to cry when i receive too much pressure. but now, i dun. i still cant figure out why i jus dun cry anymore now. not even when i feel very pressurized. i jus go

-moodless-

yeah, i noticed that when i dunno how to deal with the discomfort resulted from stress, i will get really moodless. i'd jus stare into air, or jus turn really very quiet. and after awhile i'll get over it. mayb in future, i'll be able to ignore it totally. ohhh, ahaha.

have been feeling rather 'confused' actually. i think it's a result of all the rushing here and rushing there. waking up late, and all the panicking. i dun have time to think, i jus do things, and everything is in such a mess. for the past few days, like most of the time, wat's on my mind will be like. meeting who later, wat time, meet whr, enough time to travel there anot, who else going, must inform who, mus bring wat, how i go from here to there, enough money anot, how to split the money up, later reach home mus complete wat. tmr meeting who, whr, wat time, confirm time and place, mus complete wat by tmr, wat else haven do, sch reopening ald, wat test wat homework. and so on and so on. these are the things going on in my head for the past few days. i thot i'm going crazy or wat man.

hectic.

and the thing is, i not only think for myself and plan all the time for myself. i think bout john's also. and the result of it, i forget this and i forget that. ahhhhh, wadever it is. it was jus busy busy. run here and there, meet who and meet who.

at times liddat, i get confused awhile. i simply have no time to think bout things. and school is reopening ald. damn sad. no going-outs anymore:( everyday i'll jus force myself to stay back in sch to study. i have to. i'm like so behind in studies ald. mid-year is very near ald man. still dun start working, i can jus kill myself when i get back mid-year results. guys, i rotted too much luh. now, wat i nit is ppl to teach me, scold me if u wan. tell me how much work i haven done. tell me how behind i am, tell me how badly i have been doing, tell me how lousy my studies are now. only when u give me the kick, then will i stand up and run. dun spoil me, alright(: i nit reminders and scoldings at times too.

sigh.

i'm so gonna miss nlb and movies:(

and i so dun care whether the sky fall or the ground below opens up. my sleeping time will be 11:30pm from monday onwards. no matter WAD.

i'm scared of meeting people. as in so serious kinda meeting. i'm the number one avoid-small-talks kinda person. and this can create stress eh, i so dun wan to believe this. hell.

and u know, suddenly i feel like dedicating a whole long paragraph to insensible ppl. wasting their youth, rotting and getting stuck in shits yet dun wan to do a single thing to help themselves. i'm very worried. super.

u're not useless. i repeat, u're ... N O T useless. u're somebody so impt to me, i lean on u. i dun lean on useless ppl okay? (=

~~i'm so worried i wan to cry.~~

alright, wadever. this is so naggy now i'm wondering who in the world will read this whole chunk of naggings(:

lastly, some nice pictures that i really like(:

hmm, and this one, taken durin cny.

life wasnt so stressful then. wat's happening now man? sighs.

happy,
jun.

craving for chocolates.

please believe me again at 12:32 AM