Y
24 April 2006
24 April 2006
silent thoughts.
well, today sucked. very deeply.
the problem is with me. i dunno wat's wrong. i'm starting to detest the world. i'm seeing too much of the negative side of the world. i'm seeing all the corruptions and downs of the world. i'm sorry. i think i nit therapy. and i'm hopeless.
english paper one i totally screwed up. the letter writing was okay. but the composition was idunnohowtosay. the worst of all. i felt like tearing the paper up and throwing it away. i wanted to. i wonder whether i even reach 350 words, it was of zero content and all the idunnowatiwriting kinda of stuffs. god, i felt so down. and yeah, so "u've changed, not as focussed as before." fancy reading this right before english paper one. a comment from my english teacher. i nit trust and encouragement. during the break, john called, yuan called, ther called. i felt... i dunno how to describe. i wanted to run away from the world during that time. well(: saw some stupid ppl walking ard, recalled some bad experiences. told myself, no way u let history repeat. u'll rot in hell if u do.
i folded the english question paper and said silently.
"you're such a vacuum."
wanted to tear at the beginning of chinese paper one. wiped those liquid off my eyes, i imagined this happening so many times now that it's coming true, i got so scared. chinese paper one was okay actually. but i felt sleepy when writing the compo and i sat there for godknowshowbloodylong and stared at the paper. cos i was semi-consious, thank god i woke, somehow, den continued. almost couldnt finish the paper, bloody hell. i think i deserve to die and rot and evaporate off the surface of earth. paper one and it's liddat ald, wat's gonna happen to paper two and all the other papers? god save me from this crazy world.
so much for pretending as if nothing happened. it was a total failure. times like this, i care too much until i reach the point which i dun wan to care anymore. i try so hard until i really dun wan to try any bit anymore. tired? yeah, of this corrupted life. i think i'm way too critical and serious. i cant stop finding faults in people. all i want to do is criticise and ppl to listen to all my critisisms. wat is wrong with me?
i dunno why and the cause, but i've changed in such a way im so over arrogent now. yeah, arrogent is the word. i'm arrogent. and stupid, and irritating and critical. UNREASONABLE. i think i'm right. i think i'm the greatest. i think i have the most correct thinking in the world. i think ppl should follow my way and thinking. i so dun wan to believe that this is me, myself. ahh. i changed so greatly i'm rejecting myself now. weirdo.
i'm sorry i'm not at all a good company. i know i'm super demanding. i know i expect alot and way too much. i know im too fussy, too unreasonable. i know its all my fault. i'm so lost in this world i dun want to carry on. today, i looked at all the teachers, and i ask myself. wat so i work for? who? wat? myself? others? success? glory? victory? wat issit? times like this, the tighter my grip, the faster i let go.
i'm tired.
realise i dun say i'm tired unless i mean physical tiredness? i dun say im mentally tired. i dun say it out. once i do, i cry. i feel like crying now. i admit i'm tired. very. times like this, i do too much until i dun wan to do anymore. i think i dun deserve anything. many times i just do things my way even though i know it hurt others. its because i dun wan to care anymore. i care too much i'm going crazy. i think of so many things i'm breaking down. i nit some let out. i nit to cry. i nit to scream. i nit to laugh. i nit to sleep. i nit to... jus stare and do nth.
all the result of stress and stress alone. too many things happening at one time, i dunno wat to do. i let myself do wrong things, i let myself repeat the mistakes i once committed. i saw this part of the past i felt so scared and paranoid. am i thinking too much? am i too serious? i nit an answer.
all for the sake of not affecting anyone and jus anyone. in the end, it affected the whole entire shitty world. i dunno wat im doing nowadays. i think i'm hopeless. gone case, so dun attempt to save me. may i jus dissolve into thin air. the world has got enough destructions and hopeless ppl ald. i think i dun deserve. all the care, attention and love i get. i dun. all i do is find faults in ppl, demand demand demand. i dunno wat else i want. i dunno wat i want at all. i've reached this point that i dunno wat i wan and i dunno wat's the stupid point of doing things. i'm just sorry, from the beginning of this all, i noe its all my fault. but i jus let myself carry on all these wrongdoings without knowing why. why dun i jus stop myself?
if i hate it so much when ppl say "huh". i should be deaf for the rest of my life. if i dun like to repeat myself, and i wan to ignore ppl when they ask questions that i find stupid, i should be muted for the rest of my life. if i'm so bloody tired i have to complain and cry, i should... u know, put myself to sleep.
never to wake again.
yeah, have been crying these few days. tears.
from the point tears rowed down my cheeks when i sat down to read my history file. from that point onwards, i sense the intense stress within me. i cried and i dun even know wat for am i crying. it was jus those ihavetocryitoutcositssuperuncomfortable moments. more to come. jus wait.
i looked at miss morni today and i told myeslf i deserve to be thrown off the building.
alright, i think i've said so much. so much i dun wan to say anymore.
tired.
off to murder myself.
bye,
jun.
tell the theory behind all the discomfort within me.
well, today sucked. very deeply.
the problem is with me. i dunno wat's wrong. i'm starting to detest the world. i'm seeing too much of the negative side of the world. i'm seeing all the corruptions and downs of the world. i'm sorry. i think i nit therapy. and i'm hopeless.
english paper one i totally screwed up. the letter writing was okay. but the composition was idunnohowtosay. the worst of all. i felt like tearing the paper up and throwing it away. i wanted to. i wonder whether i even reach 350 words, it was of zero content and all the idunnowatiwriting kinda of stuffs. god, i felt so down. and yeah, so "u've changed, not as focussed as before." fancy reading this right before english paper one. a comment from my english teacher. i nit trust and encouragement. during the break, john called, yuan called, ther called. i felt... i dunno how to describe. i wanted to run away from the world during that time. well(: saw some stupid ppl walking ard, recalled some bad experiences. told myself, no way u let history repeat. u'll rot in hell if u do.
i folded the english question paper and said silently.
"you're such a vacuum."
wanted to tear at the beginning of chinese paper one. wiped those liquid off my eyes, i imagined this happening so many times now that it's coming true, i got so scared. chinese paper one was okay actually. but i felt sleepy when writing the compo and i sat there for godknowshowbloodylong and stared at the paper. cos i was semi-consious, thank god i woke, somehow, den continued. almost couldnt finish the paper, bloody hell. i think i deserve to die and rot and evaporate off the surface of earth. paper one and it's liddat ald, wat's gonna happen to paper two and all the other papers? god save me from this crazy world.
so much for pretending as if nothing happened. it was a total failure. times like this, i care too much until i reach the point which i dun wan to care anymore. i try so hard until i really dun wan to try any bit anymore. tired? yeah, of this corrupted life. i think i'm way too critical and serious. i cant stop finding faults in people. all i want to do is criticise and ppl to listen to all my critisisms. wat is wrong with me?
i dunno why and the cause, but i've changed in such a way im so over arrogent now. yeah, arrogent is the word. i'm arrogent. and stupid, and irritating and critical. UNREASONABLE. i think i'm right. i think i'm the greatest. i think i have the most correct thinking in the world. i think ppl should follow my way and thinking. i so dun wan to believe that this is me, myself. ahh. i changed so greatly i'm rejecting myself now. weirdo.
i'm sorry i'm not at all a good company. i know i'm super demanding. i know i expect alot and way too much. i know im too fussy, too unreasonable. i know its all my fault. i'm so lost in this world i dun want to carry on. today, i looked at all the teachers, and i ask myself. wat so i work for? who? wat? myself? others? success? glory? victory? wat issit? times like this, the tighter my grip, the faster i let go.
i'm tired.
realise i dun say i'm tired unless i mean physical tiredness? i dun say im mentally tired. i dun say it out. once i do, i cry. i feel like crying now. i admit i'm tired. very. times like this, i do too much until i dun wan to do anymore. i think i dun deserve anything. many times i just do things my way even though i know it hurt others. its because i dun wan to care anymore. i care too much i'm going crazy. i think of so many things i'm breaking down. i nit some let out. i nit to cry. i nit to scream. i nit to laugh. i nit to sleep. i nit to... jus stare and do nth.
all the result of stress and stress alone. too many things happening at one time, i dunno wat to do. i let myself do wrong things, i let myself repeat the mistakes i once committed. i saw this part of the past i felt so scared and paranoid. am i thinking too much? am i too serious? i nit an answer.
all for the sake of not affecting anyone and jus anyone. in the end, it affected the whole entire shitty world. i dunno wat im doing nowadays. i think i'm hopeless. gone case, so dun attempt to save me. may i jus dissolve into thin air. the world has got enough destructions and hopeless ppl ald. i think i dun deserve. all the care, attention and love i get. i dun. all i do is find faults in ppl, demand demand demand. i dunno wat else i want. i dunno wat i want at all. i've reached this point that i dunno wat i wan and i dunno wat's the stupid point of doing things. i'm just sorry, from the beginning of this all, i noe its all my fault. but i jus let myself carry on all these wrongdoings without knowing why. why dun i jus stop myself?
if i hate it so much when ppl say "huh". i should be deaf for the rest of my life. if i dun like to repeat myself, and i wan to ignore ppl when they ask questions that i find stupid, i should be muted for the rest of my life. if i'm so bloody tired i have to complain and cry, i should... u know, put myself to sleep.
never to wake again.
yeah, have been crying these few days. tears.
from the point tears rowed down my cheeks when i sat down to read my history file. from that point onwards, i sense the intense stress within me. i cried and i dun even know wat for am i crying. it was jus those ihavetocryitoutcositssuperuncomfortable moments. more to come. jus wait.
i looked at miss morni today and i told myeslf i deserve to be thrown off the building.
alright, i think i've said so much. so much i dun wan to say anymore.
off to murder myself.
bye,
jun.
tell the theory behind all the discomfort within me.
please believe me again at 9:29 PM
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