Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
17 May 2006

resume?

today is a nice and casual day, really. reached home and read angels and demons. well, it's been so long since i last had time to actually jus relax and read a book that i wan to read. it's been really so long. movies and books. perfect escape from reality. i get so sucked into the story i literally forget that i still live in this world. so i thot i'm with robert langdon and vittoria vetra somewhr at CERN. sorry if all these doesnt make sense, it's just the story i've been reading(:

yeah, so i jus read for idunrmbhowlong and decided i should get some sleep. so now, i'm awake. wat to do?

oil and water. it's amazing man, i think it's amazing how there are so many ppl in this world, and how they actually all believe different things. how their beliefs can be like oil and water. totally unmixable. but yet, we still all live in this same old planet. i feel so bad, that somehow i cant see the logic behind some religion. but then again, in the first place, i'm not one who values religion. not that i find all religions ridiculous or wat, it's jus like that naturally. i dunno why, i think it's just me. religion is somehow not that impt to me at all. "alright, i think that is really rather ridiculous." or "ppl actually believe this?" thoughts like this really jus add on to my guilt. guilty for being so mentally rude to other ppl's religion. mentally rude. well, that's the main reason i tend to show even more respect when it comes to other ppl's religion. i know that is wat i should do even tho it's not how i naturally react. sigh, oil and water. somehow, have to be together.

results. hmm, okay, so i failed amaths like shit, really. and i passed only physics and emaths so far. i'll fail ss for sure. ~~i still cant figure out how to calculate my HCL marks. i feel so dumb.~~ so i failed chem, my fave subject. so much for wanting to improve. my grades dropped instead. disappointment? what's the point of saying im disappointed im disappointed. what's the point of being sad after getting that f9 or watever. what's the point of self-pity? the thing is, i know i din study well enough, and that's the reason for my poor results, nth more, nth less. and i know that wat i can do is just shut up bout watever disappointment if there is any, and know that i've to really work hard for the following few months. time to pick myself up from all the shits. i feel sick getting poor results too. who doesn't wan to do well? but the thing is, who is really willing to put in the efforts? even if i dun feel like studying, i'll still go ahead and force myself to do so. all for my dreams and future. ah, dreams. future. only i myself can make my future exist. if not, i should jus go and find a puddle. what's the point of living if u jus wan to go ard rotting and having fun and still fun, but yet at the end of the day u feel so empty cos there's no meaning in ur life. no aim, no meaning, no achievements, no pride, no confidence, no dream, no future. u might as well go and contact anti-matter.

besides, all that we're studying arent boring stuffs. they are interesting.

okay, mayb i want to be a physicist in future. ~~i jus passed physics.~~

and i just feel so cheated now. so much for believing u're asleep when u're so not. i feel so bloody cheated. and till now, seems like u still dun understand the explanation i gave bout u-can-sms-me-when-i'm-sleeping-i-wont-die. isnt that difficult to understand? watch out alright, abalone cheats seahorses.

hurrah! going out with ther and yi tmr. it's been so long since we last went out. it's always all the irritating shits like "sian. no money." "sigh, my mum dun allow." and all the watever and watever that's stopping us from going out. and the da vinci code is out tmr. my gosh, im excited. yes, i'm so into movies now i even thot of watching all the movies available. and u know why rite, lol. i literally forget everything when im watching a movie. all that's in my mind will be the movie and really nth else. the movie. the movie. okay yeah i know. money? sad that obviously i dun have the money to afford to watch a movie whenever i feel down or troubled and nits smth to distract me. so this is the time when a book comes in handy. jus sit down to read and get totally engrossed. that will definitely distract me from my on going thoughts of stupid things like oil&water or robert langon on poseidon. no doubt.

robert langdon is so cool, he said smth so me. as in, there's these few lines in the book angels and demons that was said by robert langdon, it was wat i couldnt express. some tiny thoughts that i cant put into words. and i read it off the book before i slept just now. how interesting. ~~i'm still trying to imagine robert langdon in the vent on poseidon~~ weirdo.

u can imagine the look on my face when i saw this today in the sch library.

i think john's not very happy that i kept saying charlie brown is so bloody cute and that robert langdon is so smart and watever watever watever. hahahahaha. but they are not abalones or shark fins or bai tang gao. john is. rofl.

sorry if i had been totally weird/anti-social/quiet/hot-tempered/irritating/disgusting/evil/mean/not understanding/moody/insane, it's just that, i'm.... i dunno. sorry if u hit the mute button in my mind. i'll literally turn mute. i dunno how to explain this, i know it sounds rather nonsensical. it's just me. it's really just me to be like that. either u allowed me to stay quiet for really too long, or u said or did smth that really made me decide to shut up for the rest of the day. literally shut up. not even a word. i find it so irritating at times. i guess u do too. and the thing is, i dunno how to stop being like that. i guess i've to change. turning mute whenever i feel like it is certainly not nice. actually, it's all in the mind. somehow, something, somewhr, tells me "u cant talk and u dun talk." but the good thing is, i know how to stop this behavious of mine. troublesome.

this week's gonne be my last week of relaxing and fun, peace, joy. next week onwards, it's just, war again. feels weird to get all so worked up when everyone else is still partying and having fun, but the thing is, i know i'm really too behind. no time to lose, no time to waste. all for the sake of my dreams and future. sigh. and june holidays wont exactly be like a holiday aft all, i guess. well, i dun mind, our results are really bad. so horrifying that i dunno how to describe it. i think my heart will sink deep into the underground when we get back our ss papers. well, alright, shall not complain anymore. i've no rights to complain or express my whatever depression/disappointments/stress/sadness. blame it on myself for not studying well hmm? (:

connection is retarded today.
mum's op next tuesday.
fox's is my company.
who knows? mayb i'm autistic.
anti-matter. interesting.
annihilation.
angels and demons.
robert langdon.

anyway, john was complaining cos he was obviously jealous that i like robert langdon. so he was reading angels and demons and we got so amused when he read :

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To one of the most ingenious and gifted artists alive, John Langdon, who rose brilliantly to my impossible challange and created the ambigrams for this novel.

well, so john langdon is suppose to be my new love hmm? since there's john and langdon combined. haha, retarded.

anyway, u want a closer look of the cutest book i ever come across? (dun ask me why he look so sad cos obviously i have no idea. )

and, to satisfy my taste buds,

when i drop too deep or feel too down, pls just remind me that i can watch a movie or simply read a book.

mayb i'm the oil. but why mus you be the water?

so much for visiting the blog so often, wanting to read the non-existant entries there. those that i want to read but haven gotten any to read for quite some time. u dun blog for me to read. it just shows how things can change. always, it has been like that. mayb it happens to every other relationships.

love,
jun.

be a part of the phenomenon.

please believe me again at 11:06 PM