Y
21 May 2006
21 May 2006
resurface.
it's rather disturbing. how all the problems from everywhr seem to surface so suddenly.
where is tricia man, she has the time to read other ppl's blog and say that they are distanting from her. so wat about me sam and evie hmm? when was the last time evie saw trish? months ago? it felt like years. i read her blog. every single post. i really wonder whether she reads my blog. i know sam and evie doesnt read my blog and my posts. but at least they ask me out every now and then. wat's happening to trish nowadays? sigh.
louis looks sad to me. butbuddy, i'm rather disturbed too. i tried telling u today when we were standing along angel's hse corridor. it seems like i dunno how to start. never really had a chance to talk to u or even see u online. rmb our conversation stopped halfway? i have this feeling u're upset/bothered bout smth. i've no chance to really ask. and somehow, i hope u will blog again. at least then, i have smth to read bout u.
mum's having operation on tuesday. and wth? the most drama thing ever is that, sam's mother is also going for an op next tuesday. yes, exact same day as my mum. just different hospital. funny eh? we were so shocked upon knowing. i've always have this impression that mum is strong, she's fine. she's okay. but jus now when we were at sakura having dinner, dad sorta told me that i must go and visit mum on tuesday after her operation. i know, i intend to anyway. but he added that ... i couldn't really hear. but i heard smth like my mum's naturally abit scared that she's going for a major operation. naturally. i guess anybody in her shoes would be scared naturally. it's just that she doesnt show it, i suppose. i felt rather bad bout that i dunno y. it seems like she's jus suffering but she's jus taking the pain herself, not showing us. i feel... really rather bad. i really feel very unclear bout the op. i dunno how dangerous it is. they kept assuring me that it's safe and i dun have to worry. but u know, she's gonna remove half of her liver. natural fear. well. well...
i know u're having problems at home nowadays, john. i feel bad too. i feel hurt too. i feel the pain too. not as much as u i know. but i feel it too. i tend to put myself in ur shoes to think. i feel like u when i do that. i noe u dun want me to worry bout u and all. u insisted that things will be fine and it's alright. but the look on ur face and ur reluctance to talk bout it worries me. i felt very tired just now actually. after u hanged up, i looked at u. i was asking "so wat did she say? and wat's gonna happen?" but obviously u din get it. i felt too tired to talk. each word felt so heavy. felt so heavy. so heavy i felt like i couldnt open my mouth to say them. somehow, i forced myself to do so. i was so quiet partly becos i was sorta tired in some sense, also partly becos i felt very bad. i wanted to hold back those tears. i feel erm, useless breaking down in front of u at the point of time when u're going thru some problems too. u know me, my natural reaction during times like this is to stay strong even if i'm obviously not very strong at the moment. so i tried. obviously i couldn't, in the end. the thought of me being weak when u needed help was even more soul-destroying. everything is in a mess, somehow. this, that. little things here. little things there. i would really like to help you. i'm sorry if i cant. i'm sorry if i haven been a really nice companion. i'm sorry if i haven really do my part to get involved in ur life. i'm sorry. it sounds ridiculous but the thing is, i think i nit some courage. i dunno wat kind of shit courage it is. but it is just this certain shit kind of courage. i feel rather broken down nowadays, i really dunno due to wat. i feel like i'm sorta mentally weak. in a way that i myself never even realise it. i dunno why, i dunno cos of wat. mayb it's those times when everything comes together. mayb. sometimes, i have this "i nit attention." kinda thinking. i dunno wat is that about. but i think, as mentioned to u before, it's that "i'm not the most impt anyway." rubbish. u can just ignore it. it feels like u've been keeping some stuffs from me too. wat's bothering u? do not hide anything yeah? frankly, i have no energy to guess wat's on ur mind. do share with me wat's on ur mind. even if its the slightest thing of all. read ur draft intended to be in ted. well, it's not that u cant tell me stuffs going on in church or wat. it's okay. okay? u can tell me anything. but i'm sorry if i look uninterested or i simply make no comments. it's not the case. it's just that.... well, i've explained it to u ald, i hope u really understand. u can still tell me yeah? but i'm sorry if i leave at times due to discomfort. just discomfort. love(':
i'm going to church tomorrow. jun is going to church. wat's happening? it feels so weird. it feels like i'm gonna be an alien tmr. well, i'm not saying going to a church is smth stupid or lame to do. but it's just that. it's weird that i'm going to church. it has been on my mind for such a long time. i decided to do it finally. today, when i felt so lonelyandicantstanditanymore. in any case, it's just smth really weird. u can see so from sam's reaction. all the ohmygods and okaysokays in excited capitals. evie is coming with us too. i'm glad. i miss sam and evie man. jus love their company.
above allllllll. i feel that i've the duty/responsibility to do so many things. clear all the mountains of rubbish inside my room. do my filing. sort everything into proper order. get into study mood. get ready for next week's lessons. accepting this and that. thisandthats. and, just plucking up the courage to do things. jus finding that courage. that courage. courage.
do u think my mind can be free and happy with all these going on and on and on and on in my bloody pea-sized brain? each and every one taking their turn to shoot me down. thank you one and all. i'm part of the world. i've problems. i nit counselling and therapies.
how come history can be so troublesome? u lame ass. dun affect me.
i should return to det. wet the book. keep quiet. write.
i'm just glad i'm meeting sam and evie tmr. when was i ever sad when i'm with them? they never fail to make me laugh. never ever in 6years. never.
happy jex(: sometimes i close myself up to yi and ther too. i dunno, i have that "i can handle this myself." kinda feeling/thinking. and sometimes it's just not really the time to say. like for example, in the middle of the chaotic and noisy canteen in sch during lunch time. how to say? i look forward to the stayover at yi's house man. may it be soon((((:
alright, 2:10am now. it's time to sleep. it's not very nice to sleep during ur first vsit to a church.
why,
jun.
breakdown.
it's rather disturbing. how all the problems from everywhr seem to surface so suddenly.
where is tricia man, she has the time to read other ppl's blog and say that they are distanting from her. so wat about me sam and evie hmm? when was the last time evie saw trish? months ago? it felt like years. i read her blog. every single post. i really wonder whether she reads my blog. i know sam and evie doesnt read my blog and my posts. but at least they ask me out every now and then. wat's happening to trish nowadays? sigh.
louis looks sad to me. but
mum's having operation on tuesday. and wth? the most drama thing ever is that, sam's mother is also going for an op next tuesday. yes, exact same day as my mum. just different hospital. funny eh? we were so shocked upon knowing. i've always have this impression that mum is strong, she's fine. she's okay. but jus now when we were at sakura having dinner, dad sorta told me that i must go and visit mum on tuesday after her operation. i know, i intend to anyway. but he added that ... i couldn't really hear. but i heard smth like my mum's naturally abit scared that she's going for a major operation. naturally. i guess anybody in her shoes would be scared naturally. it's just that she doesnt show it, i suppose. i felt rather bad bout that i dunno y. it seems like she's jus suffering but she's jus taking the pain herself, not showing us. i feel... really rather bad. i really feel very unclear bout the op. i dunno how dangerous it is. they kept assuring me that it's safe and i dun have to worry. but u know, she's gonna remove half of her liver. natural fear. well. well...
i know u're having problems at home nowadays, john. i feel bad too. i feel hurt too. i feel the pain too. not as much as u i know. but i feel it too. i tend to put myself in ur shoes to think. i feel like u when i do that. i noe u dun want me to worry bout u and all. u insisted that things will be fine and it's alright. but the look on ur face and ur reluctance to talk bout it worries me. i felt very tired just now actually. after u hanged up, i looked at u. i was asking "so wat did she say? and wat's gonna happen?" but obviously u din get it. i felt too tired to talk. each word felt so heavy. felt so heavy. so heavy i felt like i couldnt open my mouth to say them. somehow, i forced myself to do so. i was so quiet partly becos i was sorta tired in some sense, also partly becos i felt very bad. i wanted to hold back those tears. i feel erm, useless breaking down in front of u at the point of time when u're going thru some problems too. u know me, my natural reaction during times like this is to stay strong even if i'm obviously not very strong at the moment. so i tried. obviously i couldn't, in the end. the thought of me being weak when u needed help was even more soul-destroying. everything is in a mess, somehow. this, that. little things here. little things there. i would really like to help you. i'm sorry if i cant. i'm sorry if i haven been a really nice companion. i'm sorry if i haven really do my part to get involved in ur life. i'm sorry. it sounds ridiculous but the thing is, i think i nit some courage. i dunno wat kind of shit courage it is. but it is just this certain shit kind of courage. i feel rather broken down nowadays, i really dunno due to wat. i feel like i'm sorta mentally weak. in a way that i myself never even realise it. i dunno why, i dunno cos of wat. mayb it's those times when everything comes together. mayb. sometimes, i have this "i nit attention." kinda thinking. i dunno wat is that about. but i think, as mentioned to u before, it's that "i'm not the most impt anyway." rubbish. u can just ignore it. it feels like u've been keeping some stuffs from me too. wat's bothering u? do not hide anything yeah? frankly, i have no energy to guess wat's on ur mind. do share with me wat's on ur mind. even if its the slightest thing of all. read ur draft intended to be in ted. well, it's not that u cant tell me stuffs going on in church or wat. it's okay. okay? u can tell me anything. but i'm sorry if i look uninterested or i simply make no comments. it's not the case. it's just that.... well, i've explained it to u ald, i hope u really understand. u can still tell me yeah? but i'm sorry if i leave at times due to discomfort. just discomfort. love(':
i'm going to church tomorrow. jun is going to church. wat's happening? it feels so weird. it feels like i'm gonna be an alien tmr. well, i'm not saying going to a church is smth stupid or lame to do. but it's just that. it's weird that i'm going to church. it has been on my mind for such a long time. i decided to do it finally. today, when i felt so lonelyandicantstanditanymore. in any case, it's just smth really weird. u can see so from sam's reaction. all the ohmygods and okaysokays in excited capitals. evie is coming with us too. i'm glad. i miss sam and evie man. jus love their company.
above allllllll. i feel that i've the duty/responsibility to do so many things. clear all the mountains of rubbish inside my room. do my filing. sort everything into proper order. get into study mood. get ready for next week's lessons. accepting this and that. thisandthats. and, just plucking up the courage to do things. jus finding that courage. that courage. courage.
do u think my mind can be free and happy with all these going on and on and on and on in my bloody pea-sized brain? each and every one taking their turn to shoot me down. thank you one and all. i'm part of the world. i've problems. i nit counselling and therapies.
how come history can be so troublesome? u lame ass. dun affect me.
i should return to det. wet the book. keep quiet. write.
i'm just glad i'm meeting sam and evie tmr. when was i ever sad when i'm with them? they never fail to make me laugh. never ever in 6years. never.
happy jex(: sometimes i close myself up to yi and ther too. i dunno, i have that "i can handle this myself." kinda feeling/thinking. and sometimes it's just not really the time to say. like for example, in the middle of the chaotic and noisy canteen in sch during lunch time. how to say? i look forward to the stayover at yi's house man. may it be soon((((:
alright, 2:10am now. it's time to sleep. it's not very nice to sleep during ur first vsit to a church.
why,
jun.
breakdown.
please believe me again at 2:10 AM
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