Y
28 May 2006
28 May 2006
tiring thoughts.
just this need to blog right now. alot alot alot of thoughts inside my head.
firstly, i dunno how it started. but seriously, today, the first attitude session between me and sam took place. since when do we give each other attitudes man. since when? i guess it has been such a long time. i guess i was in a really bad mood yeah? i dunno becos of what. i really dunno. just... bad mood. i know sam wasnt feeling good either. things bout this and that. seems like i irritated her somehow. or i really managed to shut her up. so it was a quiet trip from long john silver's all the way to tiong bahru. saddening. but then, it made me think. it made me reflect. the way i talked bout the wrong things at the wrong time. the way sam responded "congratulations lor." trust me man, those two words together formed the most sarcastic and attitude sentence she ever said to me for the past 6 bloody years. 6bloodyyears. well, it left me speechless literally. so i decided to shut up and just shut up. it's fine now. we dun quarrel(:
so wat did i thot of? i thot of how i influenced people. my friends. boyfriend. family. everybody around me. i thot of it all. i realised, i've reached a point of time whereby i'm literally tired and i'm starting to see all the flaws in ppl. even the closest friends i ever had. and i'm starting to hate the way ppl ard me live. how they behave, how they think, how they act, how they respond, their attitude, their thinking, their life, their maturity. i'm not saying i'm mature, i'm perfect or watever. but u know, i think alot. i observe alot. i analyse alot. alot meaning really alot. alot means alot. alot is alot. alot. so when i try to influence ppl to change their thinking and behaviour, i fail obviously, and i get irritated, i get frustrated. "why are all of u like that?" "why cant u change?" "how many times do i have to say before it gets into ur head?" "wat can i do to make u think it the right way?" i can't answer. and i feel helpless. u know, firstly, i see you thinking the wrong way. secondly, i get irritated by the way i feel frustrated bout not being able to help. i do. i thot of each and every one of my friends and the flaws in them. the improvements that can be done. and slowly after thinking of each and everyone of you guys, i thot of myself. i forced myself to do so, cos i know i'm not perfect, i know i have my flaws too. i know wat are them i know, i know. i know. yeah, and so i thot of how i can change myself. i nit time, energy, determination. courage, support, discipline. i have to stop being so unreasonable and irritating. so demanding and not understanding. so ridiculous and stupid. jealous.
eeeeeeeeeek.
well, if u hit themutesilent button. it is the silent button itself. it is what it is. i'll remain silent until i see the need to speak again. thus, the secret solution to off the silent mode is to find the need for me to speak again. please do not come and ask me for examples or the meaning of the mentioned solution, if u do so, you're stupidly hitting the irritated button unknowingly. therefore, all u have to do is figure this out yourself, and if u can't. u know what? that's just too bad.
incidents for the past few days have taught me a few things.
1)when u're irritated bout smth when others are enthusiastic bout it. you shut up and act enthusiastic. dun be a bloody wet blanket.
2)if you know you are unreasonable/irritatingfornoparticulargoodreason, just shut up too cos it's seriously no point makine the whole matter worse by giving your ever so retarded comments. dun be such a blockhead.
3)if you're jealous, just shut up also becos there's no point in being jealous bout such lame stuffs, it shows u're have no watever confidence in yourself and you're lousy. i'm like that.
the above three points applies to me also though.
it's saddening that there's this telepathy shit missing between the both of us. u can't read me and i can't read you. you dunno wat i mean and i dunno what u mean. saddening shit. and sometimes, i just shut up about wat i think and watever unhappiness that i have because.. please refer to the above mentioned threepoints. well, for example. you jolly well know i wasnt exactly that happy when u were telling me all the stuffs. i'm so so sorry okay. i know i'm such a let down sometimes, such a wet blanket to your rising confidence. ( i've got a feeling u'll so say it doesnt affect your confidence watever case. ) watever it is. i'm just sorry for the way i act and react sometimes. sorry. then again, today i felt so insignificant. i havent seen your tears. i havent inspired u in any ways. jealous i call it. unreasonable i will describe it as. i dunno why, but those things that i've addressed and spoken to you bout. it seems like you wasnt influence at all. it seems like it din even enter ur mind. it din influence you in any ways. i din helped, i'm insignificant toally. these are the thoughts i'm having. i know it's not the case. but it's the first feeling that reaches me. after saying it so many times, u din really do anything. sometimes u just nodded ur head. you answer "yes. i get it." and stuffs like that. but u never do things like tell me all the changes u decided to make. not after i speak to you. not. it feels like other ppl have more influence to you than me. now that's saddening. really saddening. i dunno why, but i just feel rather unahppy bout it. have this so-im-not-significant-nor-influential-in-your-life-my-words-dun-make-any-difference kinda feeling. sigh. it's literally depressing. yeah, jealous literally. bout stupid lame things like you listen to me and nod nod. but u listen to others then u make drastic changes. am i such a stupid failure my words dun make any stupid difference? well, i dunno, but i think i'm just being unreasonably angry cos i'm not the best kinda shit. i've got to change man. have got to change. jealous irritaing unreasonable idiotic immature girl.
i think i've said too much. i dunno why but my thoughts and views always affect ppl's mood in a negative way. seriously am i of any postitive use in this world? sigh.
sometimes i just think i deserve to be run down by a car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.
yeah. i should end up like that. being run down by car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.
watever man. watever.
goanddie,
jun.
i'm just so sorry.
just this need to blog right now. alot alot alot of thoughts inside my head.
firstly, i dunno how it started. but seriously, today, the first attitude session between me and sam took place. since when do we give each other attitudes man. since when? i guess it has been such a long time. i guess i was in a really bad mood yeah? i dunno becos of what. i really dunno. just... bad mood. i know sam wasnt feeling good either. things bout this and that. seems like i irritated her somehow. or i really managed to shut her up. so it was a quiet trip from long john silver's all the way to tiong bahru. saddening. but then, it made me think. it made me reflect. the way i talked bout the wrong things at the wrong time. the way sam responded "congratulations lor." trust me man, those two words together formed the most sarcastic and attitude sentence she ever said to me for the past 6 bloody years. 6bloodyyears. well, it left me speechless literally. so i decided to shut up and just shut up. it's fine now. we dun quarrel(:
so wat did i thot of? i thot of how i influenced people. my friends. boyfriend. family. everybody around me. i thot of it all. i realised, i've reached a point of time whereby i'm literally tired and i'm starting to see all the flaws in ppl. even the closest friends i ever had. and i'm starting to hate the way ppl ard me live. how they behave, how they think, how they act, how they respond, their attitude, their thinking, their life, their maturity. i'm not saying i'm mature, i'm perfect or watever. but u know, i think alot. i observe alot. i analyse alot. alot meaning really alot. alot means alot. alot is alot. alot. so when i try to influence ppl to change their thinking and behaviour, i fail obviously, and i get irritated, i get frustrated. "why are all of u like that?" "why cant u change?" "how many times do i have to say before it gets into ur head?" "wat can i do to make u think it the right way?" i can't answer. and i feel helpless. u know, firstly, i see you thinking the wrong way. secondly, i get irritated by the way i feel frustrated bout not being able to help. i do. i thot of each and every one of my friends and the flaws in them. the improvements that can be done. and slowly after thinking of each and everyone of you guys, i thot of myself. i forced myself to do so, cos i know i'm not perfect, i know i have my flaws too. i know wat are them i know, i know. i know. yeah, and so i thot of how i can change myself. i nit time, energy, determination. courage, support, discipline. i have to stop being so unreasonable and irritating. so demanding and not understanding. so ridiculous and stupid. jealous.
eeeeeeeeeek.
well, if u hit the
incidents for the past few days have taught me a few things.
1)when u're irritated bout smth when others are enthusiastic bout it. you shut up and act enthusiastic. dun be a bloody wet blanket.
2)if you know you are unreasonable/irritatingfornoparticulargoodreason, just shut up too cos it's seriously no point makine the whole matter worse by giving your ever so retarded comments. dun be such a blockhead.
3)if you're jealous, just shut up also becos there's no point in being jealous bout such lame stuffs, it shows u're have no watever confidence in yourself and you're lousy. i'm like that.
the above three points applies to me also though.
it's saddening that there's this telepathy shit missing between the both of us. u can't read me and i can't read you. you dunno wat i mean and i dunno what u mean. saddening shit. and sometimes, i just shut up about wat i think and watever unhappiness that i have because.. please refer to the above mentioned threepoints. well, for example. you jolly well know i wasnt exactly that happy when u were telling me all the stuffs. i'm so so sorry okay. i know i'm such a let down sometimes, such a wet blanket to your rising confidence. ( i've got a feeling u'll so say it doesnt affect your confidence watever case. ) watever it is. i'm just sorry for the way i act and react sometimes. sorry. then again, today i felt so insignificant. i havent seen your tears. i havent inspired u in any ways. jealous i call it. unreasonable i will describe it as. i dunno why, but those things that i've addressed and spoken to you bout. it seems like you wasnt influence at all. it seems like it din even enter ur mind. it din influence you in any ways. i din helped, i'm insignificant toally. these are the thoughts i'm having. i know it's not the case. but it's the first feeling that reaches me. after saying it so many times, u din really do anything. sometimes u just nodded ur head. you answer "yes. i get it." and stuffs like that. but u never do things like tell me all the changes u decided to make. not after i speak to you. not. it feels like other ppl have more influence to you than me. now that's saddening. really saddening. i dunno why, but i just feel rather unahppy bout it. have this so-im-not-significant-nor-influential-in-your-life-my-words-dun-make-any-difference kinda feeling. sigh. it's literally depressing. yeah, jealous literally. bout stupid lame things like you listen to me and nod nod. but u listen to others then u make drastic changes. am i such a stupid failure my words dun make any stupid difference? well, i dunno, but i think i'm just being unreasonably angry cos i'm not the best kinda shit. i've got to change man. have got to change. jealous irritaing unreasonable idiotic immature girl.
i think i've said too much. i dunno why but my thoughts and views always affect ppl's mood in a negative way. seriously am i of any postitive use in this world? sigh.
sometimes i just think i deserve to be run down by a car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.
yeah. i should end up like that. being run down by car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.
watever man. watever.
goanddie,
jun.
i'm just so sorry.
please believe me again at 1:03 AM
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