Y
22 May 2006
22 May 2006
ugly self.
read that sms again. the sms that bothered me for the whole morning. the entire morning. i thought i was gonna die thinking bout it. u know, it's either i die, or i stop thinking bout it. so obviously, i stopped thinking bout it. but that's because i was really really tired and felt sleepy. so i was struggling to stay awake. so it slipped my mind. now, i read it again. then..
yet. wat's the word yet supposed to mean? please dun expect anything from me. i dun guarantee anything and i assure u, one of these days when i cant take it anymore. i'm just gonna heck care and i'm not gonna try anymore and not gonna care anymore. it's not easy at all in the first place. why did i even get myself involved. it felt like i've changed. i detest the feeling of knowing that i've changed. i dun like to know that i've changed and i'm doing things that i dun give a damn about in the past. having taken the first step, it gets more demanding and soul-destroying. it gets more difficult and more uncomfortable. well, like i said. yes, nth can be done, but that doesnt mean i jus sit there and do nth. i'm trying my best ald, for now. i think i really nit a break from all these shits. if not, i'm just gonna explode and shout get lost and i dun care. just like how i wanted to do so today. it's reaching the point where i want to care but i feel so bad that i will do anything just to make myself feel abit better. so in turn i'm jus too tired to carry on trying ald. yeah. so, i nit a break.
contradiction. so what if i think it's wrong? do i have any rights to correct you? and even if i try to do so, will it get into you? can i ever persuade/convince you? no way man. no way. i know it. that is why i dun even try. i dun even intend to say a word bout it, or make any comments bout it. cos i know that even if i do so, it's no use. save my breath and ur frustrations. and so now u sorta expect me to see it for myself? i dunno man. hearing bout it is not that good ald. yeah, i convinced myself last night that i jus have to "go ahead with it, u dun really have a choice" i nit courage for little things like that. mayb im kicking up a big fuss after all. who reacts like me man. nobody does. why am i such a. weirdo.okay, yeah. all i heard bout it, was from sam. mayb u've no idea how much i trust her. but the thing is, i really trust her alot. u can see so from wat i did. it shows that i really trust her. and she has never failed me. she tell me what it is and it really is what she told. she knows how i feel and she agrees with me. i dun have any reasons not to trust her. i know u dun mean that sam's talking rubbish and telling me things that are totally not true. but u know, the way u say it, it feels like that. besides, of cos i've only heard it from her. who else do u expect me to hear it from?
oh, so u dun think that they are totally wrong. so somehow they have some wrongs hmm? u know wat, it's not up to me to say who is rite or who is wrong. who can say the truth? nobody knows what is rite what is wrong. a certain group claims that they are right and they have evidences. another group says they are the ones who is really right and they have their evidences too. come on, who really knows who is right and who is wrong? god knows man. god knows. u can argue and reason. so can others. so when will this end? this will never end. and i'm really asking myself now why did i get myself into this in the first place. it feels like it'snoneofmybusiness kinda thing and i cant even make any comments or wat cos i dun have the rights to do so. i should have shut my gob right from the start. but. too late.
so much for not pressurizing me. u suggested it anyway. u think a suggestion has no impact? a suggestion clearly states and inform, what u want and wat's on ur mind. mayb u dun mean it. but i dunno why u sound like what i did is wrong and stupid. like i should have did it the way u suggested. so it's wrong that i decided i should start with smth comfortable? i know i sound so angry now but the thing is i really dun like the tone of it and the feeling it gave. okay, so ur suggestion is the best and i have to follow? right? and anyway, not doing it ur way is not that i dun trust u. it has nth to do with trust. it's our opinions. our different opinions. above all, i've decided to do it ur way then.
idun like the word pressure. i dunno why so dun ask me. i just dun like it. and the way u use it. it's just like how i dun like century eggs. it's just disliking without a reason. first, i'm not putting pressure on myself. i dun see it as pressure. okay, fine fine. fine. if u want to say pressure. pressure then. pressure. but look, how can there be no pressure? u tell me. this thing doesnt go away. it doesnt just disappear. it's there and it's just there. so what does "please dun put pressure on urself" supposed to mean? u know there's two ways to ensure there's no pressure at all. it's either i break away, or i kill myself. i see it as my responsibility. the more frequent it takes place, the faster i want to solve this problem. i'm not one who cannot take pain or much less say pressure. i'd do anything to solve the bloody problem. it's disturbing and soul-destroying. i dunno wat u actually mean by dun put pressure on myself, so wat to do? sit there and do nth so there wont be pressure on me anymore? no way. it wont happen. no matter what, it will still bother me and the more it bothers me the more anxious i get to settle it. it will just be there. unless this problem is really solved. unless.
alright, thank you very much for telling me that u consulted ur friend bout this bloody problem. i know this is super unreasonable, but the point of telling u is to not hide anything from u. yeah, the unreasonable side of me. nah, see it. i jus dun like it. wait, i'm not saying that u cannot consult ur friend bout ur problems. of cos u can! but i'm telling u how i feel bout it. first, i've always feel like that but it's just that i never say. compliment me for being brave this time. saying this out uncovers such a yucky side of me. so, the way u tell me bout ur friends. yes, they are great, they went thru alot, they are strong, they are nice, they are this, they are that. in the first place, i dun know them. it's okay u know. i'm fine with that. perfectly fine, but u say it so often until i start to really dislike it. eh, so? they are the greatest lah issit? watever they say is right and of cos i have to listen and heed their advices huh? is that the case? so now i'm the idiotic person on earth that's creating trouble hmm? i nit help lah? and thank you also, for telling me that ur friend used the word pressure also. pressure cannot be put on me regarding this matter. do u know that it comes naturally? i so live with it ald. how long has it been? u dunno. u've no idea. u only realise it recently, cos the matter blew up large scale. so u think should find ways to remove the pressure on me? i repeat, it's either i break away or i kill myself.
yeah. i'm like that. watever u want to say about it. u wan to call it unreasonable, u wan to describe me as ambitious, u wan to point at me and swear. it's up to u. i'm like that, no matter what, whether the sky drops or the ground opens up. i just have this i-want-you-to-think-i'm-the-best kinda shit thinking. yeah, i know it's very nonsensical. of cos i'm not the best. i'm just one shallow little kid who's childish and wateverucallit. but u know, it's just in me. i want to feel that i'm important. i'm the MOST important. please dun come and tell me u really place me as the most important, cos ur actions dun tell me so. actually, u can just ignore this paragraph totally. it doesnt make any sense and it's not reasonable of me to be like that. i'm saying jus for the sake of not hiding any thoughts from you.
so much for adding "there's really no pressure on you to do this, i'm jus saying if u wanna try." u know? i'm ALREADY trying. so wat u mean that if i wanna try? so u trying to say that i never try and i'm so not trying? why did i wake early at 7:30am and drag myself out of bed that day feeling so bloody dead. just becos i want to try. trust you? eh, so u saying that if i dun heed ur advices and follow ur suggestion, i'm not trusting you? i know it sounds like i'm twisting ur words, but it's really how i see it u know. it's how i feel. so wat if i see what its like? then wat happens if i still feel the same? or worse, i feel even more terrible? what's gonna happen huh? then, it will be it's either i die or i just die. and thank you so much, the last sentence u wrote take away the pressure on myself. forget the annoyance the word 'pressure' brings. i repeat again. to remove the pressure which always comes naturally. it's either i break away or i kill myself. full stop.
if u think taking the pressure away can be done without breaking away or killing myself. sorry, watever ways u thought of, i guess i'm incapable of doing it. u can say i'm useless/stupid/selfish/retarded/idiotic/troublesome/irritating/unneeded. i will still say sorry i'm incapable of doing things ur way sometimes. that's final. so much for telling me u dun wan any pressure on me bout this. and then u continue to give me suggestions. so the suggestions are jus there for display? suggestions do affect me too. ur suggestions tells me that it's wat u want. it's wat u think and it's wat u think is the best to do. so am i to remove the pressure or am i to go ahead with ur suggestions? ur suggestion itself ald add to the stress. thank you very much. and u know. it's just contradicting how u go on saying "i suggest u....." then "please dun be pressured about this." okay. watever. u know wat? watever. mayb im not making any sense, but it's jus what's on my mind now. whatever.
all in all, thank you very much, u said mentioned the word pressure five times in two smses.
i know all the thank yous are very sarcastic. sorry but it comes to my mind naturally. i type what i think.
thank you man, samanthattengjiayin. thanks for asking this and asking that jus for me. i love u man!
thank you dearjohn for the mars bars and fox's sweets and bun biscuits. hahahahha. yay!
watever,
jun.
complicated world.
read that sms again. the sms that bothered me for the whole morning. the entire morning. i thought i was gonna die thinking bout it. u know, it's either i die, or i stop thinking bout it. so obviously, i stopped thinking bout it. but that's because i was really really tired and felt sleepy. so i was struggling to stay awake. so it slipped my mind. now, i read it again. then..
yet. wat's the word yet supposed to mean? please dun expect anything from me. i dun guarantee anything and i assure u, one of these days when i cant take it anymore. i'm just gonna heck care and i'm not gonna try anymore and not gonna care anymore. it's not easy at all in the first place. why did i even get myself involved. it felt like i've changed. i detest the feeling of knowing that i've changed. i dun like to know that i've changed and i'm doing things that i dun give a damn about in the past. having taken the first step, it gets more demanding and soul-destroying. it gets more difficult and more uncomfortable. well, like i said. yes, nth can be done, but that doesnt mean i jus sit there and do nth. i'm trying my best ald, for now. i think i really nit a break from all these shits. if not, i'm just gonna explode and shout get lost and i dun care. just like how i wanted to do so today. it's reaching the point where i want to care but i feel so bad that i will do anything just to make myself feel abit better. so in turn i'm jus too tired to carry on trying ald. yeah. so, i nit a break.
contradiction. so what if i think it's wrong? do i have any rights to correct you? and even if i try to do so, will it get into you? can i ever persuade/convince you? no way man. no way. i know it. that is why i dun even try. i dun even intend to say a word bout it, or make any comments bout it. cos i know that even if i do so, it's no use. save my breath and ur frustrations. and so now u sorta expect me to see it for myself? i dunno man. hearing bout it is not that good ald. yeah, i convinced myself last night that i jus have to "go ahead with it, u dun really have a choice" i nit courage for little things like that. mayb im kicking up a big fuss after all. who reacts like me man. nobody does. why am i such a. weirdo.okay, yeah. all i heard bout it, was from sam. mayb u've no idea how much i trust her. but the thing is, i really trust her alot. u can see so from wat i did. it shows that i really trust her. and she has never failed me. she tell me what it is and it really is what she told. she knows how i feel and she agrees with me. i dun have any reasons not to trust her. i know u dun mean that sam's talking rubbish and telling me things that are totally not true. but u know, the way u say it, it feels like that. besides, of cos i've only heard it from her. who else do u expect me to hear it from?
oh, so u dun think that they are totally wrong. so somehow they have some wrongs hmm? u know wat, it's not up to me to say who is rite or who is wrong. who can say the truth? nobody knows what is rite what is wrong. a certain group claims that they are right and they have evidences. another group says they are the ones who is really right and they have their evidences too. come on, who really knows who is right and who is wrong? god knows man. god knows. u can argue and reason. so can others. so when will this end? this will never end. and i'm really asking myself now why did i get myself into this in the first place. it feels like it'snoneofmybusiness kinda thing and i cant even make any comments or wat cos i dun have the rights to do so. i should have shut my gob right from the start. but. too late.
so much for not pressurizing me. u suggested it anyway. u think a suggestion has no impact? a suggestion clearly states and inform, what u want and wat's on ur mind. mayb u dun mean it. but i dunno why u sound like what i did is wrong and stupid. like i should have did it the way u suggested. so it's wrong that i decided i should start with smth comfortable? i know i sound so angry now but the thing is i really dun like the tone of it and the feeling it gave. okay, so ur suggestion is the best and i have to follow? right? and anyway, not doing it ur way is not that i dun trust u. it has nth to do with trust. it's our opinions. our different opinions. above all, i've decided to do it ur way then.
idun like the word pressure. i dunno why so dun ask me. i just dun like it. and the way u use it. it's just like how i dun like century eggs. it's just disliking without a reason. first, i'm not putting pressure on myself. i dun see it as pressure. okay, fine fine. fine. if u want to say pressure. pressure then. pressure. but look, how can there be no pressure? u tell me. this thing doesnt go away. it doesnt just disappear. it's there and it's just there. so what does "please dun put pressure on urself" supposed to mean? u know there's two ways to ensure there's no pressure at all. it's either i break away, or i kill myself. i see it as my responsibility. the more frequent it takes place, the faster i want to solve this problem. i'm not one who cannot take pain or much less say pressure. i'd do anything to solve the bloody problem. it's disturbing and soul-destroying. i dunno wat u actually mean by dun put pressure on myself, so wat to do? sit there and do nth so there wont be pressure on me anymore? no way. it wont happen. no matter what, it will still bother me and the more it bothers me the more anxious i get to settle it. it will just be there. unless this problem is really solved. unless.
alright, thank you very much for telling me that u consulted ur friend bout this bloody problem. i know this is super unreasonable, but the point of telling u is to not hide anything from u. yeah, the unreasonable side of me. nah, see it. i jus dun like it. wait, i'm not saying that u cannot consult ur friend bout ur problems. of cos u can! but i'm telling u how i feel bout it. first, i've always feel like that but it's just that i never say. compliment me for being brave this time. saying this out uncovers such a yucky side of me. so, the way u tell me bout ur friends. yes, they are great, they went thru alot, they are strong, they are nice, they are this, they are that. in the first place, i dun know them. it's okay u know. i'm fine with that. perfectly fine, but u say it so often until i start to really dislike it. eh, so? they are the greatest lah issit? watever they say is right and of cos i have to listen and heed their advices huh? is that the case? so now i'm the idiotic person on earth that's creating trouble hmm? i nit help lah? and thank you also, for telling me that ur friend used the word pressure also. pressure cannot be put on me regarding this matter. do u know that it comes naturally? i so live with it ald. how long has it been? u dunno. u've no idea. u only realise it recently, cos the matter blew up large scale. so u think should find ways to remove the pressure on me? i repeat, it's either i break away or i kill myself.
yeah. i'm like that. watever u want to say about it. u wan to call it unreasonable, u wan to describe me as ambitious, u wan to point at me and swear. it's up to u. i'm like that, no matter what, whether the sky drops or the ground opens up. i just have this i-want-you-to-think-i'm-the-best kinda shit thinking. yeah, i know it's very nonsensical. of cos i'm not the best. i'm just one shallow little kid who's childish and wateverucallit. but u know, it's just in me. i want to feel that i'm important. i'm the MOST important. please dun come and tell me u really place me as the most important, cos ur actions dun tell me so. actually, u can just ignore this paragraph totally. it doesnt make any sense and it's not reasonable of me to be like that. i'm saying jus for the sake of not hiding any thoughts from you.
so much for adding "there's really no pressure on you to do this, i'm jus saying if u wanna try." u know? i'm ALREADY trying. so wat u mean that if i wanna try? so u trying to say that i never try and i'm so not trying? why did i wake early at 7:30am and drag myself out of bed that day feeling so bloody dead. just becos i want to try. trust you? eh, so u saying that if i dun heed ur advices and follow ur suggestion, i'm not trusting you? i know it sounds like i'm twisting ur words, but it's really how i see it u know. it's how i feel. so wat if i see what its like? then wat happens if i still feel the same? or worse, i feel even more terrible? what's gonna happen huh? then, it will be it's either i die or i just die. and thank you so much, the last sentence u wrote take away the pressure on myself. forget the annoyance the word 'pressure' brings. i repeat again. to remove the pressure which always comes naturally. it's either i break away or i kill myself. full stop.
if u think taking the pressure away can be done without breaking away or killing myself. sorry, watever ways u thought of, i guess i'm incapable of doing it. u can say i'm useless/stupid/selfish/retarded/idiotic/troublesome/irritating/unneeded. i will still say sorry i'm incapable of doing things ur way sometimes. that's final. so much for telling me u dun wan any pressure on me bout this. and then u continue to give me suggestions. so the suggestions are jus there for display? suggestions do affect me too. ur suggestions tells me that it's wat u want. it's wat u think and it's wat u think is the best to do. so am i to remove the pressure or am i to go ahead with ur suggestions? ur suggestion itself ald add to the stress. thank you very much. and u know. it's just contradicting how u go on saying "i suggest u....." then "please dun be pressured about this." okay. watever. u know wat? watever. mayb im not making any sense, but it's jus what's on my mind now. whatever.
all in all, thank you very much, u said mentioned the word pressure five times in two smses.
i know all the thank yous are very sarcastic. sorry but it comes to my mind naturally. i type what i think.
thank you man, samanthattengjiayin. thanks for asking this and asking that jus for me. i love u man!
thank you dearjohn for the mars bars and fox's sweets and bun biscuits. hahahahha. yay!
watever,
jun.
complicated world.
please believe me again at 6:54 PM
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