Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
15 June 2006

heart break. SO? big deal.

finished chemistry worksheet ammonia and haber process. i know i'm bloody slow, but watever lah. i'll finish the other three worksheets tonight. i dun care whether i dun sleep or what. i dun care. but it was ~~hilarious~~dumb just now. i was just depressed and guess what did i wanted to do when i was in that depression? not eat, not scream, not die, not faint, not kill. i was dying to do maths. psychotic rite? yeah, so i was depressed depressed then i went to do maths. then guess what? the stupidest thing happend. i couldn't find my shitty calculator. i dunno where the hell did it go, i just couldn't find it. how to do maths when u dun have shitty calculator? HAH. so i decided to do emaths graphs. then i couldn't find the emaths homework sheet. the one with the questions we have to do. imagine the frustration. i just went around the house looking for that sheet of paper and that shitty calculator at the same time. i found neither of them.

i so don't want to rot the day away again so i decided to do chemistry. imagine all the thoughts in my head. all the "where are you now?" and "i'm so depressed." . bloody irritating. i read "so, if the temperature is raised, some ammonia decomposes to absorb the extra heat, causing the percentage of ammonia to fall." about 2000 times but i still dunno what was i reading. you know what? you know what it feels like? it feels like that particular day when i was studying for that particular social studies paper the next day. just that this time it's less dramatic/serious. the relief came only after i managed to do the first page of the worksheet. and i felt so much better just by looking at the completed work. just that one page. that one page of completed chemistry worksheet calmed my nerves. then your message came. i was too afraid to view it. yeah, maybe i'm too much this time. i've always been too much. when was i ever good? i cant even stand myself you know. strength? i dunno how much i have. but i'm definitely stronger. but still not as strong as you think i am. who knows me better than i do? who knows of the times i get scared and cry in the toilet simply out of nothing? who notices the number of times i fail because i'm not strong? nobody knows better than me myself. if you think i was trying to be attitude again. i was not. i was saying how i feel. things are just wrong. why?

and sleep well, if good night is all you have to say.

maybe you just don't care no more. says:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH FINALLY I SEE U ONLINE!
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
...

you should have seen my expression when louischuawangda came online. i was having this i-think-i-haven-spoken-a-word-for-the-past-2000-years feeling. it feels like i haven communicate with any human being for long. dun ask me why i feel like that cos i wonder too. HAH. yeah, that explains my excitement when louis came online. but his reply was just anti-climax lah.

BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
i was guessing u want to see me online is it
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
haha

okay yeah fine. ~~but there's no need to remind me that nobody is talking to me, idiot.~~

and i think this is the first time i actually overcome this thing with determination. why?

i miss yi too. it jus feels weird that there's only me and ther. it's like there is smth missing. yea, me and ther are lonely. ~~lonely pigs.~~ wonder when is yi coming back. hmm. and for now, i'll just, do my chemistry worksheets, ponder over the one sentence message, wonder the why, ask the where are you question, eat the food, and feel the sadness.

and wait for the talk. ~~if there will be any.~~

wat the hell is tansama?! ther refuses to tell me. TSK.

two posts today, alot of nonsense yeah. hah.

goodnight. and goodbye.

jun.

where are you?

please believe me again at 6:51 PM