Love, Hate, which to choose?

Y
28 June 2006

i'm breaking.

i don't know because of what. but i guess it's just good that i'm in the process of making too. making what? i can't say. just wait and see, and you will know.

school reopens actually marks the start of my stress/tiredness/anxiety/unrest. oh well, for the past few days, i've been behaving like olevels is just two weeks away, when it's not. i believe this behaviour of mine is getting on some people's nerves. whatever the case, i guess there is a need for me to act like that. you know, like i've said so many times, not now then when?

no way will i wait till the end and then realise i'm actually already dead. never.

i believe i have this problem which some people face too. i've been wondering, is it me? or is it the others? whose fault is it? i know it's actually kinda senseless to point fingers and question whose fault it is, but what i mean is, where does the problem lies? is it stupid of me or is it just something right to do? trying so hard to find out what is the problem whenever there's unhappiness. so what the hell is the problem? nobody can ever say for sure.

maybe it's time for me to voice out my thoughts and what i think/see. maybe others dun really notice me cos i'm kinda transparent at times, or what i say/do is kinda, you know, not of any importance. well, why me? i'm sick and tired of these, but i can't just shut my feelings away like how i shut the door of my room. however hard i try, it's just there. my feelings, my thoughts. there's just this voice that tells me again and again. and hell, i can't shut it up. how?

okay, at this point of time, i realised somthing. i swear, just 5 seconds ago, i realised this. maybe i do have self-esteem problems too. oh, this is really saddening. okay, i think this is the reason why i understand sam and why she understands me, and that we are really close friends. we share this common problem of low self-esteem. the difference is that, she shows it all, loud and clear. whereas for me, oh man, i just bottle it up and wallow in self-pity sometimes. oh men, this is my problem? i'm feeling all perplexed now at the thought of these. shit.

okay sorry, what the heck am i babbling about?

i've been quiet all yesterday. and today. hopefully not tomorrow. then again, am i being oversensitive? all these ruins my supposedly perfect days, leaving me feeling so rotten and dented. haha, how i wish i can get some cement and fill up the empty space and there, i'm not dented anymore. what fills me up?

positive thinking. initiative. understanding. cheerfulness.

may all those just parachute right into me, or i am so dead and scratched for the rest of my life. alright, i think i'm being all exaggerating and self-centred here now.

well, scars are left behind after scratches. or why do u think people learn?

i think i'm fine, just really wishing that i will stop thinking too much, and you know, don't give a damn about stupid stuffs. or i'm as good as living in depression. what? no. that sucks alot.

maybe tomorrow will be a different story altogether. it all depends, i think. sometimes we just got to accept the facts. however irritating it may be. tsk.

for the time being, i just hope to smile more, catch a good movie, spend some time with the lovely book, have a good laugh and off go my wandering thoughts.

and sometimes, i wish i can be actually abit less irritating. but i'm so sorry, i just really hate to repeat myself. maybe it's my stupid voice again or maybe it's just you? i dunno. but i just really hate to repeat myself. look, not paying attention to whoever that is speaking reflects alot about you. and do not expect me to respect you if you're like that. respect is not a gift, you have to earn it. think about it.

goodnight and goodbye.

jun.

maths is kinda fun.

please believe me again at 11:27 PM