weirdo.

i know it's wrong. i dunno what is wrong and i dunno how to say. rubbish. i know what is wrong, i know how to say. it's just really up to me. whether i want to put in the effort and say it. i'm feeling rather weak now. i've plenty of work to do. i'll have to force myself to do it. those who are supposed to motivate me are currently all busy/unavailable. stand on your own, idiot.

okay, so i'm unhappy bout the same old things. i think i've had enough of myself too, but i'm getting confused, or rather, i'm getting speechless. unhappiness caused the silence and the reluctance to talk. it might sound so ugly but.

number one. that friend of yours earned herself a bad impression. somehow. i'm sorry if i was rude.
number two. weigh. weigh? i don't place my trust on emptiness. you have to earn the trust and faith people have in you. i am just worried.
number three. i guess i'm just angry with myself for being like that.

look, i'm unreasonable, i'm not understanding enough, i know it. but i also know it's just me to be like that. i won't say i will change, cause i know that's kinda impossible. i'd say i'll improve. i dunno how, i'll try to. i've got to try. i'm sorry for behaving like that, but i was really trying to keep that unhappiness shut ( and it's so obvious that you know it, so my attempt was shit. ) because i know it's not gonne help things even if i voice it out. nor is anything gonna change. i don't see the point of saying it, so i don't. i don't do things just for the sake of doing it. and also, i don't want to become one who simply complains. concentrate on the unhappiness and magnify it. for what? to make things worst? okay, mayb i was being stupid or naive for thinking that by keeping quiet and obviously being unsuccessful at doing it, i'm keeping the unhappiness at minimum level. okay, i'm being retarded here. but i was seriously just trying. maybe it sounds like i so dunno what i'm talking bout, but i just say what comes to my mind. if it sounds illogical, it simply means there's smth seriously wrong with my mind. maybe you havent realise, and maybe nobody did too, i am NOT the kind who expresses her feelings for people through words. by saying it. i told you i've this obstacle in speaking. realise i like to write? i have 4/5/6 diaries? i can write long long loooonnnggg letters? i voice all my unhappiness in my posts? i prefer msn to talking on the phone? i so dunno how to respond when you tell me how you feel? i know it's kinda moronic, but that IS the problem with me. and you know, it's really pointless to ask me stuffs like "what's wrong?" and "what's bothering you?" because i really dunno how to say it out. but i know i can answer if you ask me specifically. for example, "are you stressed up by work?" that is specific. i can tell u no or yes. instead of asking "what's wrong?" and my answer would most probably be smth like "alot of things is obviously wrong." or "i dunno how to tell you." kinda dumb rite? and it keeps going on and on because.. probably nobody has discover this side of me. shit. yeah, mayb somebody should mute me so i will just have to die writing my thoughts out for the rest of my life. weirdo.

alright, mayb you're angryunhappy or what or maybe not. i will try to tell you slowly. literally slowly. hah.

4NURTURE chalet was kinda fun yesterday. the chicken wings were nice in a idunnohowtodescribeandexplain way. i ate ALOT okay, i ate alot of the chicken wings. anyway, the potato salad john brought me was nice but i was in that don't-force-me-to-eat-or-i-will-really-puke-and-the-food-suddenly-looks-disgusting condition. so yeah, it looks disgusting but it tastes nice. aiyah, wadever. and the 4nurture cake was damn damn nice! it was bloody chocolatey i tell you. it's that the-chocolate-melts-in-your-mouth kinda thing. HAH. it was just very delicious. yum yum. went with john to the beach for a walk. the railings at the sea area were literally rotting. YUCKS MAN, REMINDS ME OF SILENT HILL. eeeeeeeeek! the sea was nice, and we saw this old ah pek and ah ma at the seaside. romantic eh, hah.

den when ther went for her walk, i stayed downstairs eating and eating. audrey, patrick and sam were there too. and i swear sam is one of the lamest people i ever met. test tubes and tube tops. no link okay, hahaha. after which i went upstairs and joined hiangling, lifang, adeline, louis, yongzhi, kaiwu and audrey. louis was so high at first because he was winning. and i find it so weird that kaiwu kept getting cards like 3and3. 2and2. 7and7. 10and10. he kept getting such cards lah, damn funny. den they decided to play murderer so ther and me joined in. they wanted to play the advanced murderer initially. with the angel, and winkings. but due to the fact that there were quite little people playing, it's super obvious when you wink. the very first time louis winked, audrey saw it. den we decided to play the squeeze hand method instead. weichoy kill us so bloody fast the detectives can't catch him in time lah. i forgot who was the one who came up with the eat the chocolates/sweets if you lose thingy. so louischuawangda was practically trying to shove the kit-kat into my mouth while i was eating cos i was supposed to eat them up in two mouths. sicko. hah. hey i was already bloody full lah, and i ate quite some of the chocolates okay.

left with the girls after that. it was so cold/anti-climax/awkward/weird/irritating at the bus stop. so we took bus29 and i decided to alight at this particular stop to take bus12 to pasir ris interchange which is probably the faster way. i was just too stupid so i couldn't figure out whether i have to cross the road or i just take the bus12 at that bus stop. being the blockhead i am, i assumed and took the bus12 at that bus stop. then i was happily listening to my music on the bus when expo came into sight. WAT THE? i can't be at expo. i was supposed to be heading towards pasir ris interchange. yeah, i took the wrong bus. feeling so dumb and dejected, i alighted at expo and crossed over to wait for bus12 again. thought of taking the mrt at expo but the route to the mrt looked super eerie lah, decided not to. it was 11.10pm when i alighted at expo. reached home at 12am in the end. wasted like half an hour or so. i rolled my eyes like mad okay, till the extent i thought they wont go back to the original position. HAH LAME. this paragraph is just to show off my stupidity. HAHA, sorry, i was just witless.

this is abit pointless but i have to say it. it's damn disgusting you know. when i was at the interchange waiting for bus358 to come, THERE WERE FOUR COCKROACHES THERE AT ONE PLACE. FOUR OKAY. FOUR HUGE ONES. and there were a few flying around. YUCKS MAN. THAT WAS SO SICK. and one of them was on the floor, OVERTURNED and struggling to turn back to its original position with the legs and watever watever moving moving. eh, it doesn't look hilarious or comical, it looks disgusting okay, it was so sick i wanted to scream my lungs out. imagine the terror. COCKROACHES. YUCKIEST CREATURES ON PLANET EARTH.

called sam's phone immediately when i reached home. we were supposed to conference at 11pm lah, i was one hour late. and wat were they talking bout when i called? they were talking bout handphones -.- when they were supposed to decide when to meet and blablas. meeting them next tuesday. glad to know that, it's been so long since the previous time four of us went out together. sooooo long. and it means i better save up the money i have now. and it also means i can't buy my ruler/eraser, nor the scissors, blades and highlighters. wait till the next time i'm financially stable then. wait. long long.

charged my phone and i saw no smses coming in:(

gotta spend today doing my homework and stuffs. saddening. and the jianbao is such a huge huge burden lah, it sickens me to do them. all the long long reflections we have to write and summary somemore. arghhhhhh. watever, still have to do it. and i'm just glad that lin lao shi remains as our chinese teacher. that's good. finally. we've got a decent chinese teacher. work. stress. silence. i've got to get through them all. with you. but where are you now? where?

this is random, but i feel that the question "where are you?" is somehow special. there's this something about the question "where are you?" that i find unique. i dunno what, and i dunno how to explain. it's just how i feel. i'm a weirdo. i think when i ask the question where are you, it's either i've this longing for the person, whoever it is. or i just really nit help from that person. or it's just that i really want to know where that particular person is. not the casual kinda asking, like when i'm meeting my friends and i call and ask "where are you now? i'm at the interchange." NOT THAT KIND LAH. and you know, the best person ever to sms "where are you?" is louischuawangda. i'm serious. he replies within the same minute. whatever lah, this is just random.

anyway, there's just something about you. you don't know it. you claimed that i'm special and unique. but you are too. you just dunno, and maybe you don't agree, but i'm telling you this is what i think. you have this unparalleled ability to make me smile. make people smile. you haven realise it because u've been concentrating on the pains you ever caused to anyone. you magnify the pains and sadness you caused, concentrate on looking at them and you overlook the smiles and happiness you bring to people ( i'm telling you this, this is what i see.) why don't think about what have you done for people for once? what good have you done and how you made people laugh out loud, how you make people can't help it but smile. plenty of times. it's just that you never really think bout it. the way people react and what people say bout you does not define you. okay? nobody has the rights to say whether you are good or bad. nobody. you define yourself. don't look so much at the negative parts of you that you forget bout the good things you've done. like how you write letters with repetitve,disorganized contents which made me smile. and seriously, it's not even your fault in the first place, you're not even the cause of the unhappiness. i am. you're just being the usual nice/caring/comforting you, pushing the blame to yourself, telling me i'm not the problem, you are the problem. hello? i explained it so many trillion times my saliva is so gonna dry up. i know it's my problem. HAH. just don't worry. you're NOT the problem or the source of unhappiness. OKAY?!

and you're just extraordinary(:

sometimes, i think you're real nice because you're nice and you dunno. HAH, get it?

this is abit irrelevant but it's just super weird. this morning i woke and looked at my phone. and there on the screen is..

SGP M1-3GSM
Pasir Ris Drive 1

and it's still there. mayb i'm really dumb or what but i really dun get it why did the pasir ris drive 1 appear on the screen. can somebody tell me? haha. it's bloody weird. and yeah, i do live at pasir ris drive 1. weird rite? HAH -.-

whoa, this post is lllllooonnggg man. gonna stop here and go start on my work or i'll never ever start. hahaha.

may money drop from nowhere and into my hands so i can buy my scissors/blades/highlighters/erasers/rulers/pencils/markers/stapler.
may i stop being stupid/irritating/lazy/retarded/insensible/shitty/attitude so all the work can be completed successfully on time.
may the unhappiness dissolve so the scarysilence will vanish.
may all cockroaches die and decompose so i wont be traumatized by them anymore.
may you be happy and so do i.
may all those who can't sleep, sleep and be satisfied.
may all who haven't wake from their rotten life, fall and realise they have got a proper life to find.
may my lunch be nice so i won't feel deprived.
may i stop saying all the mays -.-

and for now. the horror of the past is back to haunt me.
that familiar feeling. so real. so vivid. so terrible. so pain.
this is my phobia.
saddening.
tears.

alright. goodbye.

jun.

and just where are you now?