Y
21 June 2006
you're bloody shitty irritating, girl. i thought of what kinda person am i. when was i ever good?from the times i give my friends the attitude just because i was feeling attitude to the time i was rude to my boyfriend's church cellgroup leader jus because unfortunately i really happen to dislike her. when was i ever good? okay mayb you'd say i'm just, again, pushing all the blame onto myself. when its not even my fault. alright, to be fair. when was i ever bad? yeah, i do nice things like write long notes for you. i listen to my friends when they are upset bout stuffs. i give them watever advice i can provide them with. but you know, after all, these are things i think i ought to do. no big deal. everyone does them. those doesn't make me good. why do you even say i'm nice?but seriously, not everybody gives attitude just because they feel like it. not everybody smile and then turn away without saying a single word to the friend her boyfriend introduces to her. not everybody stores that jealousy inside and let it grow into some incurable jealous green tumor. i held the phone to my ear and listened attentively. and then i told myself silently.you're unhappy.about what? what do you think?stop it. do i have a choice?yes.it's either you hang up or you just stop being so irritating. i chose the latter leaving me in remorse now. okay, remorse is kind of a strong word, but, yeah i just regret. because first thing, i was just being stupid. secondly, obviously i can't do it, i was just really irritating. i know it too well, subconsciously, that phone call was purely to voice my unhappiness with silence. yeah, i'm just like that. oxymoron."end this stupid i-just-want-to-let-you-know-i'm-unhappy-and-i-dun-want-to-say-a-word phone call." oh, so i do realise after some time. when was i ever good? from the times i call and say stuffs like yes. no. umm. huh. what. yeah. dunno. tsk. to the times i just let the feelings affect my actions resulting in all these. when was i ever good? was eating snowballs with sam, evie and trish today. and we stumbled upon the topic. reminded me of wat you said. "it is discouraged. or else there'd be problems like what we're having now." problems. it striked me today. the thing we overlooked is.. what is the problem ?i realised something. just because i'm unhappy bout it, does that mean that it is a problem? first, it is not unhappiness of both parties. it is just that I AM unhappy. kinda weird but let me ask. so?my point is, so what if i'm unhappy? that is my fault and my stupid problem. it is not a problem in us. get my point? if you dun get my point, it's either you're stupid, or u disagree with me and you've other views. but this is just what i think. okay maybe i'm the stupid one, but i just think that my unhappiness does not make this matter/aspect a problem. it does not. not our problem. it's mine. and it's not that i don't want to tell you. okay, maybe it's true. that i'm just hiding in my shitty comfort zone, refusing to come out. what can i do? and this is the 20000 times i'm saying this. i always make sure you know it, somehow. are you gonna believe me? hmm, maybe yeah, there's some things that i didn't tell you. but the thing is, i don't see the point of saying them. to make things worse? or to make the situation feel more heavy? stupid or what? i don't do such things. okay, i know. i know sometimes/most of the times, we say things not just because we've got a point to make. but sorry i'm just so irritating. i want everybody to tell me about every single dust but i say things only when i think there's a point to do so. i repeat. i am NOT pushing all the blame onto myself. you still fail to see this, i dunno how to explain it to you. i've explained it so many times and everytime, i just find myself repeating the same things that i've said. and you'd be saying the same stuffs too. why? because you haven't really see my point yet. i can tell you that. you haven't see the way i see it yet. or to be fair. maybe you can say i've failed to see the way you see things yet. either way, it is never your fault. trust me on that.
it is never your fault. i say all these things bout myself. that i'm unreasonable. that i'm attitude. that i'm bad. that i'm irritating. that i'm being stupid. that i'm rude. that i'm so not understanding. how did i derive all these? i am fair to myself too you know. i ask myself questions. i ask myself, how will i see this if i look at it from an outsider's view. and i'm never wrong, i always double check by asking opinions from people. they did say i'm unreasonable too. who's gonna side me when the fact is i AM unreasonable? if nobody is going to, why should i? i don't defend myself just because it's myself that i'm talking bout. i'm trying to be objective and honest here. there's no reasons for me to be unhappy bout such stuffs, and it's a fact. that is what i've been driving at. that is why i think i'm unreasonable/irritating/stupid/attitude/rude/not understanding. i dun say it for fun. i dun say it out of nothing. i dun say it just because i so love to push blames onto myself. and anyway, i don't think it's pushing blames onto myself. do not say that again. it's not that i find joy in doing such things, blaming myself for whatever unhappiness there is. i so don't. and it's not that i'm picking on myself, finding faults and everything. how to improve if you dunno what's the stupid problem? how to solve the problem when you dunno what's the problem? how to change when you dunno what to change? that is why. i'm just trying to identify what is wrong and what i've got to improve on. i can tell you this, it is so bloody shitty irritating and difficult. but then again, what choice do i have? you can't do anything. so i definitely can't sit there and wait for you to do something about it. because the problem is with me. so obviously i've got to get up and do something about it right? if not me, then who? not now, then when?i feel insignificant/useless/jealous/unhappy/irritated/angry/upset. why? you think i don't ask myself questions like these? if you think so, you already underestimated my thinking capacity. after asking why. i ask why do i feel insignificant/useless/jealous/unhappy/irritated/angry/upset because of these? after that i ask myself how? how to solve this shit. and how to dissolve the unhappiness. after coming up with a solution. i ask how again. how do i go about doing it. what do i have to do exactly. why why how how. hah. i din realise this until now. and the most depressing and demoralizing thing is that after so much thinking and welldoneyouthinkitrightman. the most difficult thing is the doing part. all talk and no do, you're just shit. yeah, fine, i'm like that. i suppose this is why people often underestimate how much i think. because my actions so don't show that i've thought bout it all. and i don't really voice out thoughts like these. so, who noes? (:now i know. why do people always mention/bring up/ask/talk about things that i've thought bout long long long long long longgggggggggggggg time ago as if they thought i've overlooked that part. or as if they've just thought bout it when i've thought bout it long long long long longgggggggggggggggg time ago. you dunno how much i think each and every single second. realised when you try to bring up the point that it is not my fault, i immediately shoot all the factors that shows it is my fault? and you were speechless after that HAHAHAHA. because i've thought bout it, seriously very long time ago before you ever want to tell me it's not my fault. i've ald thought, analysed, assured, confirmed it. i am not trying to show off the amount of thinking i do, since it's not anything worth showing off about anyway, i'm just trying to say that whatever you think i haven think of/overlooked, i can tell you i've already thought bout it. HAH.i've realised that one major problem i have is that, i can't seem to conquer that ugly evil feeling inside me everytime. that i-want-full-attention attitude and i-know-i-am-unreasonable-but-i-just-really-can't-control-i-have-to-put-up-that-shitty-behaviour. it's that, i know it's wrong and unreasonable but still i do it kinda thing. it's the biggest stupidest problem and i've yet to overcome it. i act based on my feelings. when can i act based on my sensibility? you asshole.oh well, look at the bloody time. 3:22am. sigh. it's nice to vomit out these thoughts though. it's that sadistic side of me again. that wanting-to-torture-myself-because-i'm-so-in-a-bad-mood thingy. i dun comprehand that part of me. hah. nevertheless, i'm going to bed still. meeting louischuawangda and john tomorrow. maths(: movie. NLB. i've got to buck up for maths man. i've got to. the pain in my shoulders is killing me. OUCH. DO NOT LIE TO ME. i know i have got shoulder cancer. this is random but i've got an ulcer on my gum! sickening rite? ulcer is definitely second on the list of the-most-ugliest/sickening/irritating/disgusting/yuckiest/shitty/destructing/idiotic on planet earth. the first on the list is of cos none other then COCKROACHES. okay, whatever, i'm just still traumatized by that turned-around-and-i-saw-a-gigantic-disgusting-cockroach-on-my-back incident. still. tsk. alright, before i go off.The Five Love Languages
My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.
Complete set of results
Quality Time: | | 9 |
Words of Affirmation: | | 8 |
Acts of Service: | | 5 |
Physical Touch: | | 5 |
Receiving Gifts: | | 2 |
Information
Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.
http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/lovelanguages.phpquality time alright. hah. goodnight to all(:jun.so what's your stupid problem, girl?
please believe me again at 3:24 AM