we rock lor !

2006-11-30T15:43:00.000+08:00

no way im gonna let this blog die just like that man. or rather. i don't want it to die. and hey im determined alright. haha. if it means, im the only one blabbering here. but, i know i won't be lonely(: right ladies?

how's everybody eh? i missed school la, don't know why. to be more specific, school minus the horrible tests, exams, spot-checks and all the erky stuffs. now i feel so cut off from everybody's life. except for those who im still contacting and those who still blogs (: keep blogging kay people. for a matter of fact. i still love blog-hopping. and to do that. there must be entries for me to read right? haha.

although the week is yet to end. and for some reasons, im hoping it'll end fast and quick (: this week is beautiful. i don't always get beautiful weeks alright. mon&tue was lovely. it's nothing special though. but the company was(: went to vivocity, well, for the first time. haha. ok. i noe it might sound retarded to some of you who vivo-ed almost everyday. lol. exaggerations. but yes, i went there for my first time the mall was tremendously gigantic. at first look, i thought i was quite lost. there's so many corners and shops la. and the so called "blacony" was beautiful. the first time i went it wasn't quite renovated yet. but the second time i went, the playground was all done. and the stuffs there are really creative man. thumbs up. the first time i went was quite kuku la. cos we were finding where the helly are the ffrs (fastfood restaurants) but we couldn't find them. for god's sake. and i find ourselves quite retarded. cos we end up concluding that vivo only have healthy, high-class restaurants and food courts. we bought that conclusion alright. LOL. until when we saw bk and ljs coming into sight when we walked round the balcony. DOINK. din walk really long la. becos my stupid shoes cant make it. well just a little small advice ok girls. nv, and i mean NEVER buy shoes with a hard base. it'll practically kill those shopping freaks. haha. on tue, went to sentosa(: silosa beach is still ever so beautiful and the seawaters too(: clear&refreshing. just sitting on the sand, feeling the seawaters, and watching the sun set. lovely. they've also got a beautiful island with palm trees and everything that gave it its islandy look. plus the setting sun with its beautiful orange and yellow splatting in the sky as the backdrop. what about it? amazing right? (: well the only not really nice thing at the end of the day was wearing his smelly shirt. LOL. i dint get to clean myself properly la. pouts. oh wells. (: the memories to keep bef im left alone for five lonely days.

aft he called at round sixam in the morning to say he's boarding the plane alr, the days start. well. went out with yi yesterday to K our way early in the morning. sing til 2pm. and it was bloody worth it la. trust me. 3hrs of singing, plus drinks and lunch- chicken teppenyaki for hw much? $6+ . nice amount right. well. there's a 40% beautiful discount for their anniversary la. for members only. super worth it (: then went shopping around for presents and ha. expected results. nothing. but saw some neat stuffs. in consideration. ((: and me&yi went back to those old days. ddr! played til we sweat. altho we played two times only. LOL. then so stupid la. dunno what i stepped til and i ended playing the standard version. i was practically crazy trying to catch up to the beats. siao. haha. but :D it was fun. felt so like the old days.
aft that. went back tamp. shop. and then we went our separate ways. wow. it's been long since i went home so early. 7pm. and the walk home? so lonely. haha. still yet to xi guan walking home alone. and ha. i finally get to catch the been-all-time-missing 7pm show. (:

oww. hunger pangs ): im still finding a nice blogskin la. grr. haha. and does anybody have the grad night's photos??
praying that you're safe&sound. (:

ther.

2006-09-06T20:06:00.000+08:00

Specially for JUN

take real good care alright dearjun(: don't anyone eat or drink eh? smiles. you look so weak and pale just now la. lol. this is specially for you(: nothing big i know. -stick out tongue. haha. cyer soon! hearts.

2006-07-08T20:10:00.000+08:00

shattered. confessions of a broken soul for this one last time.

today is not my day at all. even on bus39 on the way home, the only thing that was making any sound to me, died. i felt so unlucky, or whatever you call it. took some ulu route home, today feels like doomday. for some reasons or so.

this thing about crying. so many stages of it. i've experienced quite some. there was this time i was crying cos i dunno how to control it anymore and there was kekang and i told him to turn away cos i was all about do-not-look-at-me-when-i'm-crying-it-is-a-sin. and there were times i totally lose control. there were times i was all i-dun-cry-in-front-of-ppl-cos-it's-just-not-me-to-do-this. there were times i just dun cry anymore, no matter how hard things hit me, cos i was just too numb about everything, crying does not make a difference. there were times i was crying almost all the time till the point that i dunno what was i crying about and i just couldn't stop. so what did i cry about today?

well, i didn't really cry, felt like doing so. but i realised, if i hold back my tears long enough, the desire to cry actually disappears. thanks to people who just have to board the same bus as me when i was totally depressed. and the attempt to amuse me with some $1 ugly flowery clothing. but u know, i dunno why but things like that make me forget that i wanted to cry. and i just smile instead.

after the lifeless chinese lessons, i seriously had nothing better to do since ther and yi both went home. so i decided to go to sectionals. and man, that was the best part of today. the moment i stepped in, i smiled. it comes naturally and i still really wonder why. i laughed alot, i talked alot, i questioned alot. we talked about random stuffs, cracked lame jokes, criticised teacher's english it was so fun. and he was claiming that he's very ang moh and he was like "yo! wassup." then we were rolling our eyes, laughing away. and then how he is an all-rounder ( and he actually was saying his size. ) and how old should his wife be and whatever whatever. we even talked about the world cup and the way they criticised and insulted the teams were hilarious. the looks on their faces. then he lip-sticked sijia's cello. played emo songs. i listened to lynette play her pieces for her exams in september, listened to sijia, listened to yan en, listened to the sec ones, overheard the basses playing in the classroom beside ours. and i was so shocked to see the new bass teacher they got. it's that crocodile guy who played bass guitar for our previous concert. yes, that crocodile guy. HAHA. well, but i think he's good, really. and zhirong evaporated once again. i even slept, woken up by vibrations of my phone. played the cello for like 5mins or so. well, maybe some day i should go practise with them too. it feels so good. they are all happy people. and it just feels like so nice. i dunno how to describe it. but it feels like we are just this group of people, staying in our little space on a sunny afternoon. laughing together, listening to the songs, talking rubbish and cracking lame jokes. just that simple yeah.

i'm actually in this state that i dunno what the hell am i thinking or what the hell am i doing. i am just doing what i'm doing. and i'm getting all sadistic again. would like to faint somewhere, or fracture my head maybe, break an arm, sprain an ankle, cut a finger, drop some hair, have a great fall, or go a lil deaf, things like that. sorry i am not suicidal. this sadistic side of me can't be explained. it's just a way i vent my frustrations i believe. i think so? something is really making me unhappy. and you know what, the thing is i dunno what is it. what exactly is this one thing? or things? i just have to have smth against some people, i just have to give the attitude, pull a long face, everything and everything. and i realised, actually, i am just jealous. about what? i can't really say. jealous that others are having fun? and what was i doing and thinking, feeling? jealous that others are happy and there i was, struggling with my attitude problem. jealous that others are actually more sane and reasonable than me. what is wrong with me?

i think i'm actually split into three different parts. or maybe four. one part of me is angry/upset that life isn't good/going the way i want. one part of me is jealous about i dunno what. one part of me is angry with myself that i'm giving everybody the attitude they did nth to deserve cos it's just my mood problem. and another part of me is just guilty for being like that. and on the bus just now, i realised that i've changed, again. okay, so i do realise actually. how saddening, i've changed. again. the same way? maybe? i feel so. now the problem is what's wrong with me, why cant i just live without this mood problem? i seriously think there's smth wrong with me. i'm getting very confused here actually. if u were to ask me now, so what exactly am i unhappy about. i can tell you i really dunno. and i mean it. i really dunno. it's that bad. i'm that confused now. i dunno what i want, i dunno what am i unhappy about, i dunno why do i feel like that, i dunno why am i reacting like that when i know its not right, i dunno why cant i just stop it, i dunno why for no reasons my life is miserable. and i'm feeling really miserable. it's that kind of i-feel-so-bad-i-want-to-cry-but-u-know-i-dun-cry-now. so i dunno where did that feeling go to, but i just feel really empty and bad now. and now i really dunno why.

i'm tired, of everything. physically or mentally? well, both. i'm really very tired. i dun want to deal with all these anymore, it's killing me. and i dunno what to say anymore. so end up, you dun say anything anymore and i dun say anything also. so there's silence and it's official that i really detest silence. and when i get away, or when i'm left alone, i just really wish somebody or something will just make a sound to me, acknowledge my presence. because, you know, sometimes, i wonder whether i actually exist.

pooooof!

-------------------------------------------------------

i typed the above and saved it as draft about donkey years ago. gonna finish this post, once and for all. anyway, i was wondering about how we are valued. for example, how much friend Z means to me. how do i value my friend. who is more impt to me? do i judge by my feeling towards the person? do i judge by how long i've known the person? do i judge by how close we are? do i judge by how i react to him or her/treat him or her? similarly, how do other people value me? how impt am i to them? whoever they are. be it friends, boyfriend, relatives, classmates, schoolmates. anybody. how do they value me?

then, i thought of respect. the respect we give to everybody around us. we often say that respect has to be gained. den answer me, how do we gain respect? why is it that some people receive more respect than others? why? linking to all these, i realise that the most stupid sign on earth will be the equal sign. what is actually equal? maybe you are thinking why am i comparing. i wonder too. because i feel i didn't get the respect i want/i think i deserve? because i feel insignificant compared to other people/other things? because i'm angry i want to give attitude and shoot stuffs into your face? i dunno. it's just all what i think and feel. i can't really explain. and i still wonder.

maths lessons today was okay, except that i got really irritated in the end. ~~i did try to shove it away~~and it's back to square one again. oh man, this will become a weekly thing if i still behave like that. is it actually my fault? am i being unreasonable again? am i like so over-reacting? i dunno man, it comes naturally. my thinking doesn't change, so does your attitude. i wanted to insult/fire sarcasm/irritate/shout/scream/give attitude/whatever i do when i'm feeling like that. did i? i dunno. thanks to the stomach cramp, my mind was preoccupied after that. the pain was intolerable. i crawled all the way home man. by the time i was waiting for bus358, i was considering suicide, because if the bus dun come any sooner and i can't get home and rest, the pain is gonna kill me anyway. no difference right? i couldn't figure out which way to commit suicide, so i got home before i even do so. ~~HAHAHAHA.~~ went to bathe and thank god i fell asleep after that, no more pain. felt better when i woke up and ate my lunch. dilly dally-ed then went to do my emaths. ~~the tys make me feel that the setters assume that we are stupid.~~ and algebra is really boring, i dun even know why i went to do the questions. ~~okay, stop complaining, idiot.~~ speaking of this, i agree with you, louis. the teachers are putting in alot of effort, those who still dun want to wake up and do your bloody work and work shitty hard, just go and jump into the sea. dun waste the teachers' time.

anyway, louis(: whoa you like my attitude towards my studies eh? have you been working?! and it's known that i always think too much. until the extent of i really dunno whether i'm thinking too much, or i dun even know what i'm thinking. and, tsk. when i feel that something is not right, isnt it normal for me to try to correct it? what's wrong with that? it's my normal reaction you know. i am generally okay, i know. but, sometimes i'm just abit emotional. or trying to figure out something. and when i can't, i tend to get so frustrated. thats y. regular improvements? i dun think i even improved thats the problem. if i haven't improve, shouldnt i do so? aiyah, i really dunno lah, about this. yeah, i get your point about the not-myself part. sigh, but what to do? i have long term problems you know. if i dun try to change my thinking about such stuffs, i'm doomed. anyway, why is life kinda screwed? we haven't talk for long hmm. i've turned quiet and anti-social recently(:

i was asking myself whether i'm right or wrong. reasonable or unreasonable. then i recalled what our principal, Mrs Ong said. during assembly. i felt kinda sleepy for some parts of the assembly. but i remember very clearly, she said that, after we leave the hall, and if we dun remember anything that she has said, we just have to remember to ask ourselves. what are you willing to sacrifice for your studies? for the good results that you want to get.

what are you willing to sacrifice?

and never will i forget that, she said, if we are not willing to sacrifice anything, then... you know.

i agree with her. why bother to try when you refuse to sacrifice certain things so you can have more time to study/do your work? why even bother? and you think the results you desire will just fall from the sky this way? what a nice dream you're having. wake up.

anyway, speaking of this, i'm being reminded of mr mubarak. his first lesson with us was nice. he told us about einstein and how many times he failed and all the details/storiesstories. actually, he was pointing out the fact that we all have to work hard, then will we be successful. he repeated the words so many times it still rings in my head when i recall. no substitution for hard work.

alright, going back to the ~~boring~~emaths questions.

lastly. this will be the last time i'm going to blog. oh yes, i'm officially abandoning the blog. why dun want to blog anymore? (: i dun see the point, and i dun see how i benefit from this. all i do is throw my moods and insults here. i dun like the negative side effects. might as well write into my own diary. maybe ther/yi will blog. do come back here sometimes(: my apologies for all the emotional posts. those stuffed with anger/insults/depression/confusion. happy posts are the minority i suppose? (: i thank all for reading all these while. and those who tagged (: maybe one day i will feel like blogging again, i dunno? or maybe occasionally when i really have something to say out. till then, goodbye to all(:

above all, i'm not gonna say anything anymore. who am i to say a thing?

i've no say anyway.
its your life. not mine.

love all of you:D

byebye little black space.

love,
j u n.

my final say.

2006-07-02T00:20:00.000+08:00

i just misspelled the word dictionary four times.

no, that does not mean i'm frustrated, neither does it mean that my eyes are so badly tear-stained, i can't look at the keyboard properly. aiyah, my brain is just literally bursting soon lah.

chocolate day was tiring man. we went house to house like parrots repeating and repeating the same lines. it's really nice when people buy 5packets at one go, haha. after that, dragged my body home, ate dinner and bathed. wasn't really sure what to do, and in the end i went to do my maths. yes, i just finished 20 amaths questions from the TYS. YIPPPPEEEEEEEE!

and that totals up to 70 amaths questions this week. sounds insane right? nah, trust me, it's nothing actually. really. and i'm just saying this here to make myself feel better, haha. i want that kind of "there, look, you did your work and you deserve to feel satisfied~~at least abit.~~" thing. alright, watever man. btw, to make myself feel the this-is-good-but-STILL-not-enough-you-have-to-do-more feeling, i'm 20 questions behind :(

okay, really watever.

anyway, trust me, if you do 10 quadratic functions questions and then you do coordinate geometry, you're committing suicide. i did 10 quadratic functions questions and decided to do coordinate geometry and i so regret it after just three questions. wah lao, damn long-winded/naggy/tiring/exhausting/irritating/troublesome man, i was doing all the steps until i felt so frustrated then i went to do other topics. tsk. and after that i was so confused ald, i had that what-am-i-doing kinda feeling. like i was just writing and i dunno what the hell was i writing. arghhhh.

okay, i know i make it sound like my life is utter boredom. ~~maybe it is, after all.~~ well, but like i said, i've been behaving like the o's is just next week or what you know. and it's driving me nuts sometimes, haha. but anyway, i dunno what to talk about, so i decided maybe i should just talk about what i've done for the past hmm, 3 or 4 hours plus. (including all the bathing/eating/dilly-dallys.) nah, it wasn't boring. time flies this way man, seriously. and i thought i was bloody dead tired. tired so? it's not like i haven't slept for the past 2 or 3 days. if i want to do it, i can do it.

this way, i know i won't regret, at least.

and my heart still ache for wasted time. time is something i value really alot. sometimes, i see time as the most impt thing. ( okay, maybe i'm a freak/weirdo. ) maybe that explains why i hate it when people aren't punctual. there i am, on time, and there you are, late and you want me to wait for you. you know that equals to wasting my time. and i so value time. 5mins or so is okay. but half an hour or more. man, you should do some self-reflections. and when time slips away, it slips away. i dunno how to describe the feeling i have, it's almost like if you're on a road with your friend and you walked behind her, a car approaches seriously out of nowhere and then she gets knocked down. and you were just directly behind her. you know, you could have save her or whatever. but the thing is you didn't manage to. ah, that kinda pain. wasted time, wasted life. when it's gone, it's simply gone. no matter how much u regret, no matter how much you feel pain, it's gone and never to be back. and you live just this once. why waste time?

and what do you actually want? well, i know what i want.

oh, sorry for which? that you did not pick up? or that you broke the promise? you think 20mins is nothing? have any idea how many maths questions i can do in 20minutes? and you should know your ability better than anyone else. these stuffs, we dun say it. but we all know where we stand. don't we?

i'm off to bed. after the mad maths questions doing and this post, i really dunno what else i can do.
and the guilt arrives tomorrow.

jun.

the confidence to rise. one life.

2006-07-01T00:17:00.000+08:00

why is it like that now?

i can tell you this. i am not unhappy with anything. i am not against anything. i just wonder why aren't things going well at all. and the more i wonder, the more frustrated i get, and on the surface, it gives people the feeling i'm unhappy about a certain matter/person. it's not. i'm just upset that things aren't going well. or rather, the way i expected/want it. how?

i need the motivation. the absence of motivation makes the working process incomplete. because, in the first place, without motivation, i won't even work or anything. i will just waste my life away. one week has passed, what did i completed? nothing much. really nothing much. i swear i could have complete much more work than i did, but i just simply didn't. now, why? i'm not sure, i can't answer. because everything stopped? because there were "valid" reasons? because i slacked? because i got frustrated and allow myself to rot? oh, anyway, what have you completed?

and you said together.

look, i repeat. i am not blaming you, or me, or her, or them, or whoever there is available for me to blame. i am not blaming anyone or anything. i am just frustrated/upset/irritated by the fact that things didn't go the way i want it to. it did not.

and now time has slipped away, a week has passed, we can't turn back time and say let's do what we're supposed to do. over means over. a week is gone means a week is gone. i dunno whether other people feel like that, but my heart ache silently whenever i look at the date and realised we let time slipped away and we rotted our lives away. we're still not working hard.

not now then when?

i said this before. not now then when? i remember a teacher said smth like that before, "if you want to work hard, you start right at this moment, you don't waste even a second." i agree, totally. look, isn't it true that all of us give ourselves excuses and then waste our time, skip our work and etc etc? we always say..

"tomorrow."
"later."
"postpone."
"dun feel like doing. very sian."
"dunno how to do, so dun do first."

seriously, are these valid reasons? i really don't think so. why not you go out tomorrow? why not you play later? why not you postpone your outings/whateverwhatever so you can do your work? and the list of "valid" reasons goes on. and the "tomorrows." will repeat and repeat. and in the end? ask yourself.

not now then when? start working right at this moment.

you said together. i thought you meant together. i thought, but i dun see it. and i dun feel it. i need the motivation cos i seriously lack self-discipline most of the time. when i'm alone, i start to wheel around, molest the computer, walk in and out, look out the window, etc etc. when i'm alone. i'm not one who is easily distracted from my work, but i lack self-discipline. shit.

and i just feel so lost when i think about the amt of work not done. look, if this week is over, it means this week is over. do next week? what about next week's work then? you get what i mean? it's not the way to do it. you complete what is to be completed today. and not postpone it here and there. and when you realise you can't possibly finish so much at one go, you either regret or you give up. ~~mayb you do.~~but i dun give up, i regret.

and that is what i'm doing right now.

and that is also why, i'm trying to do the mountainous pile of work i accumulated. even though it's totally insane. and something you won't do. because i dun give up on the doing, but i just get upset and regret about not doing them when i'm supposed to. alright, maybe i'm stupid or what, but to me, have to be completed simply means have to be completed. i really don't care whether i die doing or i get so frustrated with the amt of work that i kill myself. ( it's my fault that i didn't do it when i'm supposed to, anyway.) actually, what i'm trying to point out is, whatever happened to you, whether you fell into the drain/you were ditched/you were abused/you were moodless/you were pms-ing/whatever, those aren't excuses to not do your work. and if you let yourself go just like that, i can tell you this, you won't complete much at the end of the day. and maybe you did go on wondering why aren't your results better or why you still cant do those sums or whatever. well, simply because you didn't even do what you were supposed to. and to be frank, whose fault is that?

maybe you think my thinking is wrong, or what. but from my experience of regretting about stuffs like that, this is really the fact, if you are not determined to finish your work and you just go "nevermind lah." you won't complete anything at all. and for alot of times, that is what happened to me, i must say.

i'm repeating this for the third time. i am not blaming anybody or anything here for the absence of motivation. i am not saying it's your fault/whoever's fault. i am not saying you gave yourself "valid" reasons and you din complete your work now and i'm pissed about that. i am just upset that things didn't go the way i expected it to go. and i really dun want this to happen again and again, like it did. don't do this to me anymore.

i forgot what happened yesterday. i only remember that i rushed out of my house at 6 something and met john on the mrt, went to plaza singapura, planned to watch supermen but the queue was bloody long and the show already started, and i was so kuku, i thought for a moment 22:00pm is 9:00pm when its actually 10:00pm. den we went to the counter and said we want the 9:00pm tickets. and he told us there's no 9:00pm we were like huh? den we went off after saying we dun want to buy anymore cos 10:00pm was too late. then we realised 22:00pm is 10:00pm. HAH DUMB. den went to suntec instead to eat carl's jr. eh, i was so bloody full i thought for a moment that my stomach is gonna explode into million pieces. i still prefer the chicken club thingy i ate the previous time though. and i just love the carpet they have at the drink section. that one which i almost fell walking on. HAHA.

this is random, but you know what? sometimes you really just say and don't do.

today's maths lesson was good. i can do differentiation faster now eh, haha. did 20maths questions already, semi-satisfied. ~~i'm supposed to do 40questions actually.~~ i tell you this, the amaths tys irritate the hell out of me. it has like 20000000 wrong questions/answers. (as in the answers are wrong for the question, or the questions are wrong for the answers.) okay, i'm exaggerating cos i'm super irritated. waste my time man, did the question, got the answer, checks answer. WRONG. check my steps again. "correct what!" check again. "still correct." check again x 10000. okay, maybe can't do this way. did other methods. refer to notes/books. same answer as intially. TSSSSSSSSSSK SICK LAH THE BOOK. how i wish i can rip the book into 2000 pieces, burn it, flush it down the toilet and may it rot together with all the shits/cockroaches/whatever creatures there is in those pipes. IRRITATING.

oh, and i finally finished reading my sister's keeper by jobi picoult. (is that the correct spelling?) whoa, the ending is saddening man. what a pain. it's just saddening.

alright, chocolate day tomorrow. hope it'd be fun or at least, happy.

okay, i shall go do another 10 more questions or so for maths. and i really dread chinese homework even though i like the lessons and the teacher ):

don't do this to me anymore. time is merciless. time have arms. it is not limitless.

jun.

work the way i used to do.

2006-06-28T23:27:00.000+08:00

i'm breaking.

i don't know because of what. but i guess it's just good that i'm in the process of making too. making what? i can't say. just wait and see, and you will know.

school reopens actually marks the start of my stress/tiredness/anxiety/unrest. oh well, for the past few days, i've been behaving like olevels is just two weeks away, when it's not. i believe this behaviour of mine is getting on some people's nerves. whatever the case, i guess there is a need for me to act like that. you know, like i've said so many times, not now then when?

no way will i wait till the end and then realise i'm actually already dead. never.

i believe i have this problem which some people face too. i've been wondering, is it me? or is it the others? whose fault is it? i know it's actually kinda senseless to point fingers and question whose fault it is, but what i mean is, where does the problem lies? is it stupid of me or is it just something right to do? trying so hard to find out what is the problem whenever there's unhappiness. so what the hell is the problem? nobody can ever say for sure.

maybe it's time for me to voice out my thoughts and what i think/see. maybe others dun really notice me cos i'm kinda transparent at times, or what i say/do is kinda, you know, not of any importance. well, why me? i'm sick and tired of these, but i can't just shut my feelings away like how i shut the door of my room. however hard i try, it's just there. my feelings, my thoughts. there's just this voice that tells me again and again. and hell, i can't shut it up. how?

okay, at this point of time, i realised somthing. i swear, just 5 seconds ago, i realised this. maybe i do have self-esteem problems too. oh, this is really saddening. okay, i think this is the reason why i understand sam and why she understands me, and that we are really close friends. we share this common problem of low self-esteem. the difference is that, she shows it all, loud and clear. whereas for me, oh man, i just bottle it up and wallow in self-pity sometimes. oh men, this is my problem? i'm feeling all perplexed now at the thought of these. shit.

okay sorry, what the heck am i babbling about?

i've been quiet all yesterday. and today. hopefully not tomorrow. then again, am i being oversensitive? all these ruins my supposedly perfect days, leaving me feeling so rotten and dented. haha, how i wish i can get some cement and fill up the empty space and there, i'm not dented anymore. what fills me up?

positive thinking. initiative. understanding. cheerfulness.

may all those just parachute right into me, or i am so dead and scratched for the rest of my life. alright, i think i'm being all exaggerating and self-centred here now.

well, scars are left behind after scratches. or why do u think people learn?

i think i'm fine, just really wishing that i will stop thinking too much, and you know, don't give a damn about stupid stuffs. or i'm as good as living in depression. what? no. that sucks alot.

maybe tomorrow will be a different story altogether. it all depends, i think. sometimes we just got to accept the facts. however irritating it may be. tsk.

for the time being, i just hope to smile more, catch a good movie, spend some time with the lovely book, have a good laugh and off go my wandering thoughts.

and sometimes, i wish i can be actually abit less irritating. but i'm so sorry, i just really hate to repeat myself. maybe it's my stupid voice again or maybe it's just you? i dunno. but i just really hate to repeat myself. look, not paying attention to whoever that is speaking reflects alot about you. and do not expect me to respect you if you're like that. respect is not a gift, you have to earn it. think about it.

goodnight and goodbye.

jun.

maths is kinda fun.

2006-06-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

here i am.

back from the guan mo hui. together with the co chalet on thursday, they set me thinking. hard.

it was nice, sitting there scribbling on the feedback form they issued. listening to our juniors, looking right into their eyes, giving them the assuring smile i could least provide. there was a variety of songs and music. the monotonous ones, the enthusiastic ones, the emotional/saddening ones, happy/cute ones. all and all, a variety. i loved yan en and lynette's yesterday the most though, it was nice. and, i am NOT being bias here. haha.

speaking of the chalet we had on thursday, the afternoon was completed with games like tug-of-war when the drama took place. my group was in and the moment it started we tugged with all our might and all i remember seeing was patrick falling right into the water beneath ( we were positioned along the shore. ) and my group members started to fall backwards also. no, none of the groups won. because the rope snapped. hah, what an anti-climax. and there was the water bomb game when everybody turned hyper ~~and violent~~, judging by the fact that the little pail literally broke into half after awhile. and that left everybody soaked to the skin either as a result of the water bombs, or that they literally went into the sea after all the games. hah. ~~some of us went into the swimming pool behind the chalet.~~

ther and me left early. that night, i opened all the little messages the juniors wrote. the first one i opened was sijia's. there's this line that she wrote that i found kinda heartwarming.

"you know what? i always recognised you as "my" senior, cos we sat together."

and you guys know what? that was how i felt towards her too. i recognised her as "my" junior probably due to the fact that we sat together like she said. sijia is the nice, sweet, helpful junior that i have. it's really easy to talk to her, the absence of awkwardness when i'm around her is the evidence. and it sure was nice sitting beside her for combined practice that year. i felt kinda touched when i read my instructor's message. it's already a pleasant surprise that there is one from him. being the lamest teacher i ever ever had, the first line he wrote was

" i chose pink to write this because i think this is your colour! LOL...."

okay, since when was pink my colour? haha. and his handwriting suddenly feels foreign to me. at that point of time, i realised that i haven't really seen him for long. oh well. and i really wonder why did he draw a treble clef on the note. if i was the one writing the note, i would have drew a bass clef though. call himself a cello&bass teacher. hah. okay sorry, i am being lame here. yan en remains oblivious that i'm already together with john. that blurhead. sighs. whereas weetong might be more resourceful, he still never fail to remind me that i am short. hoping and wishing for me that i will be fortunate enough to maybe grow a few inches more. haha. the sec ones having had less interaction with us, obviously didn't know what to write. looking at the content of their notes. but i have to admit i always get nice juniors. i think wanqi is rather cute anyway, haha.

anyway, yan en signed off with this really illegible handwriting. okay, maybe that is he's signature. HAHA. but it looks more like yan to me, rather yan en. this reminds me of the joke we had that time. i forgot who, but somebody was writing the seating arrangement on the board for our instructor to see. so we wrote our names to represent our position. then our instructor asked, who is this? yani. yeah i forgot who wrote the names, maybe it was cadence or yan en himself. haha. so for that, our instructor called him yani instead of yan en. HAHA. okay, random. haha.

those were the days.

i will never forget the times we had. over the years, the various performances we had, all the concerts we prepared for. and of course, the SYF competition we put in so much efforts for. the best years were those with the seniors around. my seniors that is. meiying, shuyu, beverly. it was never boring with them around. the days passed and they graduated. leaving cadence, huiping, theophilus and me as the seniors of the section. sijia, fronda and lynette are good juniors. they are the hardworking bunch who did practise on their own without having anybody telling them to. then came weetong and yan en. supposedly to have the basics, we thought that we don't have to worry much abt them. or so we thought. haha. but from then up till this point of time, i can be sure to say they've improved. i guess our instructor find them rather problematic though, as i remember he told us not to recruit anymore guys next year. HAHA, we laughed our heads off. for your info, he was the one who suggested/wanted guys in the section initially. haha. it's kinda sad that weetong is now playing the bass instead, since the bass section seriously is in need of new members. oh well. but from today's performance, i can see that weetong can play even better than zhirong even though he started learning later than him. haha.

those days of draggy long practices. in the hall, in the art room, in classrooms.
those times we were made to play maybe a bar or a line so many times that we felt so sick of the song after the practice.
those times when our cello goes out of tune in the middle of a song during practice.
those times the conductor crack jokes.
those times he describe the setting of the song to us.
those times he tell us abt how popular pink panther was back at his times.
those times he tune our instruments one by one.
those times he shout over the music to catch our attention.
those times he demostrate how to play those percussion instruments well and the orchestra goes whoa.
those times he make us play one by one and the orchestra keep so silent.
those rare times he gets angry and gives that fierce look which would kill anybody.
those times he puts on that oh so familiar black formal coat just minutes before he steps out to the stage to conduct for our concert.
those times we load/unload the instruments from the same old truck with that same old uncle who is oh so friendly.
those times we wait and wait backstage for our turn to perform feeling isodunnowhattofeel whether because of excitement or nervousness.
those times we hear the shouts of encore.
those times we stand and bow smiling ever so happily after the concert as the audiences applause.
those camps we have during holidays.
those little games and overnight stays.
those pep talks by miss chia/miss leong/mdm ma/the conductor.
those debriefs every tuesday/friday/saturday.
those handover ceremonies.
those guan mo huis.
those sec one orientations.
those court shoes.
those black blouses.
those rainbow coloured ties.
those tuners.
those music stand.
those scores.
those songs.
those rosins.
those cellos.
those bassist.

those cellists.

and i still remember the time i cry so hard on the bus to john and i wasn't really sure what i was crying for. that was after the last practice we had. was i crying for the fact that it's all over? was i crying cos i'd miss everything? i dunno. and till now, i still don't know. oh well. everything that i've mentioned.

has become nothing but memories. memories.

but i would like to drop by during sectionals to see the section sometime. after all, it's my section. and sometimes nowadays, i'd just sit down and recall the times we had. and how much we enjoyed ourselves. and how much i'd like to have those times again. oh well.

i am feeling all blue about the fact that school is reopening in just one day time. oh sighhh... as always. it's just the usual i-hate-the-feelings-of-going-back-to-school-after-such-a-long-break thing. as usual, but i'm just feeling down :'(

all the tiredness will be sure to come flying back. waking up at 5:15am every single day. the sleepiness during lessons to overcome. the tiring journey home. the mountains of homeworks and tests. and i was dreaming about the satisfactions i'd get from the works and studying. dreaming about it.

i was just trying to pretend for a moment that i so dun know olevels the huge monster is literally nearing as the days pass.

speaking of school reopen. i do miss ther and yi man. haha! (:

feeling all bored up and stuffed with dejection. here i am, msning my sister. who is seated just ten footsteps away from me. are we being lame or what? HAH. look.

die a little more inside. says:
AS IF U OWN A BANK
die a little more inside. says:
HAHAHAHA
ru - see the girl in me says:
sounds cool
ru - see the girl in me says:
CORRECTION DEN
ru - see the girl in me says:
IT'S BANK ACCOUNT
ru - see the girl in me says:
hey .. but who knows... one day i might own a bank
ru - see the girl in me says:
call BANK OF SINGAPORE BOS
ru - see the girl in me says:
den i'm the BOSS OF BOS
die a little more inside. says:
WHAT A RETARDED NAME. i bet nobody will go to the bank
die a little more inside. says:
judging by the ulu name of it
ru - see the girl in me says:
no lo
ru - see the girl in me says:
COOL name
ru - see the girl in me says:
see BANK OF CHINA
ru - see the girl in me says:
so we have a BANK OF SINGAPORE
ru - see the girl in me says:
make my country proud ok
die a little more inside. says:
COPYCAT . SEE BORN A COPYCAT FOREVER A COPYCAT. wonder which gene of father or mother u inherited. they weren't copycat
ru - see the girl in me says:
your ass
ru - see the girl in me says:
if i'm one
ru - see the girl in me says:
you are one too
die a little more inside. says:
hahaha
die a little more inside. says:
NO I GOT NICE GENES FROM THEM
ru - see the girl in me says:
we share the same genes
die a little more inside. says:
SO IM NOT A COPYCAT
die a little more inside. says:
HAHAHAHA

okay. this is so whatever.

yes, i'm that cellist(:

okay, this is shitty random but, having lived so long and passed 16 birthdays. i havent really gotten birthday presents that expansive. each person $20? that expansive? okay, maybe i'm being bitchy here, but this is just what i think. so what am i trying to imply? friends out there, i am not hinting to you guys anything. this is for john, i'm making it all so obvious. i am not unhappy or anything. i was just taken by surpries like whoa. i dun get it man. i just dun get it. no offence or anything.

okay, maybe because i'm poor and all. maybe $20 for a present isn't much at all. shut up, girl.

okay, i so dunno what i'm talking about.

anyway, random or what, i've put on weight:( alright, laugh all you want. haha.

john just mentioned the word dream, which reminds me about that ohsofreaky dream i had days ago. i was molested in the dream. freaky eh? and john made no comments about it whatsoever. is that dream so not worth commenting? tsk.

and oh, if this is how you want to continue starving yourself weeks after weeks, days after days. i only have this to say.

i'm gonna do the same and you can't stop me if i put my mind to it, you know that.

now, this has become the complaining part of the post unintentionally.

was browsing through cleo and i saw this: ( this is so for SAMANTHATENGJIAYIN )

Q&A LIFE

Question: Help! None of my girlfriends want to go shopping with me! Recently, they confronted me and told me that they're sick of the way i take so long to decide on my purchases and how i'm always dragging down their spirits with my constant whining about my turkey thighs when they see no reason i should be complaining. i was totally surprised and now i feel so lonesome. i miss shopping with my gal pals. what can i do?

Answer: stop being a pain! show your friends that you're really a good person to go shopping with by speeding up decisions and not putting yourself down. It sounds to me like your problem is your own self-esteem. Either that or you just moan about yourself as a way of getting attention and honey, it's not worth losing friends for the fun of being a drama queen! Your pals are really good friends who want you to be more confident. Now go out and shop!

HAHAHA ISN'T THAT LIKE SAMANTHA?!?!?! okay look, it's exactly like that. trish, faye and me see no reasons why she always complain when she's so pretty and all. WHY? and she just simply dun get it. that's the sad part.

and you guys know what? my favourite website currently is www.gv.com.sg. HAHA. yes, i am that nuts about movies. Just my luck and superman! not forgetting pirates of the carribean and click! i can't wait, i can't wait. heh.

this post is shitty long man! whooooooots.

look at the comment box(:

jun.

the night is still young i want to believe. still young.

2006-06-22T13:08:00.000+08:00

sorry but i don't know what.

what do you do when you get ignored totally?

what do you do when you get ignored totally and you really dunno because of what?

let me teach you. you sit there and get ignored and you shut up.

yeah, shut up is really the key to this thing. it just occured to me. i mean, come on lah. if you think you tried your best showing your concern and you are so not gonna get anything out of it and everything just turns out to be shit in the end, hah! why bother?

hey, i know too well that i do that to people alllllllllll the time so you know what? i have no rights to point my fingers at others and say %^$&**^$^3 or @%$&^$%^@$.

so? i should just shut up.

anyway, having always behaving like that, it's kinda good cos somehow it helps me in understanding how the other party ~~who is ignoring me~~ feels. despite the fact that i don't know what exactly is happening or what exactly happened. oh well. today is a sunny day rite? hah.

it sure is.

you know, even if its raining cats and dogs, it can be a sunny day too, it's up to you to think. this has something to do with perspective. alot of things too. it has something to do with perspective, really. oh god. i really dunno what am i talking bout. hah, whatever.

whoa! here's to unknown(:

YES YES. i'm a perfectionist, how do you know? HAH. yeah, i think it's the way i see things too, i agree. perspective yeah? about "if you feel like being rude den be it" well, i beg to differ. technically speaking, being rude... is wrong. yeah? i mean, when is being rude ever right? and it's not any tom, dick or harry that i'm talking about. it was my boyfriend's friend you see. it is wrong of me to be rude. just because i was feeling the attitude or just because i was frustrated does not mean that i can be rude when people are nice and smiling, saying hi to me.

actually, i don't really care about the image that i portray to others. you asked me to let all that i have done go, but actually, the thing is, it is not only the things that i have done. it is the things that i am STILL doing. hah, get it? this thing never ends. it is something complicated, rather. and it is actually about something that i haven't mentioned at all. yeah, it's not that simple. it's not about my mood or anything. it is about something. yeah, i will focus on enjoying my life and all. not now then when? (: and well, the problem is not with others, generally speaking. the problem is sort of with me. it is a fact. it is my problem. yeah i agree about why bother to solve the problem when there is no problem to solve. but the thing is there is a problem yeah. it is not anything serious or complicating or what. but it is a fact that a problem exists. this problem, is that thing that i haven't mentioned at all. i didn't mentioned it, so i guess that gave you the idea that there isn't any problem. well, there is.

duh, i have a choice, whether to examine myself and find all the bad stuffs bout me and get depressed and whatever whatever. i have a choice. i know. but i guess it is just me to be like that. because, when i see that there is a problem, obviously i will try to find out what is the problem and how to solve it, right? i don't just sit there and do nothing. so when it comes to the point where i realised the problem lies in me, i tend to point out all the bad things bout myself and define that as the problem. yeah, i do that. maybe that is wrong, i dunno? but i guess that is my natural reaction. well, i do identify the good stuffs that i've done though, i don't say it does not mean that i don't know it yeah. haha. and, i was rude not really because i was frustrated with myself, yeah it has something to do with my mood at that time. i wasn't in a good mood. but it was partly because of some other reasons too. i can be really nice even though i am in a bad mood you know. it depends(:

you said i think too much. YEAH EXACTLY LAH. haha, i know that i think too much sometimes. but i've no choice but to think about it rite? or else, what's gonna happen? the problem jus remains there and there forever. and i just ignore it totally? that's not the way. so my natural reaction will be to find out and think bout it. okay, i am trying to relax nowadays, haha, i admit i do things by my feelings sometimes. but most of the time, people do wrong things because of that. i dunno? that's wat i think. everything we do, we've got to think rite? we don't just do it just because we feel like doing it. so, sometimes i think so much bout what i've got to do is because i don't want to do the wrong things. or say the wrong stuffs. my actions not only concerns me, it concerns other people. it affects other people. so, i've got to think when i act. or i'd affect other people badly. those people who are involved, that is. some problem will be solved after some time? HEY I AGREE WITH THAT. sometimes we just look back and realise, those problems that we had, it sorta just dissolved away by itself. haha, funny rite? i agree that some things will be okay after some time. and i'm beginning to believe that the problem i'm having will be gone too after some time. maybe like two years or something? it will.

it is how we feel that makes us different from others, so true eh? (: yeah, so i guess i'm different in such a way that i'm attitude and so. HAHA. okay, but i believe we have to control our feelings too, or things may just get out of hand you see. hmm, okay, i get your point about i should be the person i really am, not the person whom i want to be. but what i think is, it's my thinking that has to be changed. not really my character as a whole. i won't change myself totally, how to? how can? haha. but i've got to learn to accept some things, some people. and change my thinking to look at things from another way, or just, being more understanding to other people. that is what i've got to change. that's wat i meant. get it? (: when i said i've got to change, i don't really mean change myself. i meant, improve, be more understanding about such problems, and learn to accept some things and all, because the truth is, i haven't really been understanding and all. and oh, okay, i admit. i actually WANT to torture myself. and it is not subconsciously. i do so consciously. maybe torture is a word too strong to use in this case, but i couldn't find another suitable word. HAHA. what i meant was, just plainly doing things that will tire myself out, make myself feel rotty, shitty and all. most of the time i just tend to tire myself out as a result. it is a way i vent my frustrations. i do it to vent my frustrations. like how some people in drama shows vent their frustrations by doing work and doing non-stop. rite? haha. yeah, that's wat i do sometimes. but it's good in a way cos i complete my work as a result. hahahahahaha. but bout the exhaustion part, bad for health i know, but i guess it's okay, i don't have much chance to do things as such. HAH.

anyway, i really wonder who are you. and i guess it's either you know me or you've read quite some of my posts hmmm? judging by the fact that you mentioned sunflower. and whether i agree with you or not, thanks for your honest opinions! sometimes, it is through others' opinions that we learn and improve, really.

you voiced your views and the above is mine. i hope it's not too naggy/long-winded though xD

i don't think i'm gonna bring my phone out today. ~~i guess i'll be in the sea or something if that is what the co committee has planned.~~ okay that is some sort of excuse but it is a partially valid reason. ~~well, why bring?~~

and here i am feeling rather... somewhat hurt/deperssed/confused/lost/totally ignored/dunnohowtodescribe. oh well, who cares. ~~maybe i can go and drown myself in the sea later.~~

vcdddddddddddddddd time! :DDD

jun.

recalling old times.

2006-06-21T03:24:00.000+08:00

you're bloody shitty irritating, girl.

i thought of what kinda person am i. when was i ever good?

from the times i give my friends the attitude just because i was feeling attitude to the time i was rude to my boyfriend's church cellgroup leader jus because unfortunately i really happen to dislike her. when was i ever good?

okay mayb you'd say i'm just, again, pushing all the blame onto myself. when its not even my fault. alright, to be fair. when was i ever bad?

yeah, i do nice things like write long notes for you. i listen to my friends when they are upset bout stuffs. i give them watever advice i can provide them with. but you know, after all, these are things i think i ought to do. no big deal. everyone does them. those doesn't make me good. why do you even say i'm nice?

but seriously, not everybody gives attitude just because they feel like it. not everybody smile and then turn away without saying a single word to the friend her boyfriend introduces to her. not everybody stores that jealousy inside and let it grow into some incurable jealous green tumor.

i held the phone to my ear and listened attentively. and then i told myself silently.

you're unhappy.
about what?
what do you think?
stop it.
do i have a choice?
yes.
it's either you hang up or you just stop being so irritating.

i chose the latter leaving me in remorse now. okay, remorse is kind of a strong word, but, yeah i just regret. because first thing, i was just being stupid. secondly, obviously i can't do it, i was just really irritating. i know it too well, subconsciously, that phone call was purely to voice my unhappiness with silence. yeah, i'm just like that. ~~oxymoron.~~

"end this stupid i-just-want-to-let-you-know-i'm-unhappy-and-i-dun-want-to-say-a-word phone call."

oh, so i do realise after some time.

when was i ever good?

from the times i call and say stuffs like yes. no. umm. huh. what. yeah. dunno. tsk. to the times i just let the feelings affect my actions resulting in all these. when was i ever good?

was eating snowballs with sam, evie and trish today. and we stumbled upon the topic. reminded me of wat you said.

"it is discouraged. or else there'd be problems like what we're having now."

problems. it striked me today. the thing we overlooked is..

what is the problem ?

i realised something. just because i'm unhappy bout it, does that mean that it is a problem? first, it is not unhappiness of both parties. it is just that I AM unhappy. kinda weird but let me ask.

so?

my point is, so what if i'm unhappy? that is my fault and my stupid problem.

it is not a problem in us.

get my point?

if you dun get my point, it's either you're stupid, or u disagree with me and you've other views. but this is just what i think. okay maybe i'm the stupid one, but i just think that my unhappiness does not make this matter/aspect a problem. it does not.

not our problem. it's mine.

and it's not that i don't want to tell you. okay, maybe it's true. that i'm just hiding in my shitty comfort zone, refusing to come out. what can i do? and this is the 20000 times i'm saying this. i always make sure you know it, somehow. are you gonna believe me?

hmm, maybe yeah, there's some things that i didn't tell you. but the thing is, i don't see the point of saying them. to make things worse? or to make the situation feel more heavy? stupid or what? i don't do such things. okay, i know. i know sometimes/most of the times, we say things not just because we've got a point to make. but sorry i'm just so irritating. i want everybody to tell me about every single dust but i say things only when i think there's a point to do so.

i repeat. i am NOT pushing all the blame onto myself. you still fail to see this, i dunno how to explain it to you. i've explained it so many times and everytime, i just find myself repeating the same things that i've said. and you'd be saying the same stuffs too. why? because you haven't really see my point yet. i can tell you that. you haven't see the way i see it yet. or to be fair. maybe you can say i've failed to see the way you see things yet. either way, it is never your fault. trust me on that.

it is never your fault.

i say all these things bout myself. that i'm unreasonable. that i'm attitude. that i'm bad. that i'm irritating. that i'm being stupid. that i'm rude. that i'm so not understanding. how did i derive all these? i am fair to myself too you know. i ask myself questions. i ask myself, how will i see this if i look at it from an outsider's view. and i'm never wrong, i always double check by asking opinions from people. they did say i'm unreasonable too. who's gonna side me when the fact is i AM unreasonable? if nobody is going to, why should i? i don't defend myself just because it's myself that i'm talking bout. i'm trying to be objective and honest here. there's no reasons for me to be unhappy bout such stuffs, and it's a fact. that is what i've been driving at.

that is why i think i'm unreasonable/irritating/stupid/attitude/rude/not understanding.

i dun say it for fun. i dun say it out of nothing. i dun say it just because i so love to push blames onto myself. and anyway, i don't think it's pushing blames onto myself. do not say that again. it's not that i find joy in doing such things, blaming myself for whatever unhappiness there is. i so don't. and it's not that i'm picking on myself, finding faults and everything. how to improve if you dunno what's the stupid problem? how to solve the problem when you dunno what's the problem? how to change when you dunno what to change?

that is why.

i'm just trying to identify what is wrong and what i've got to improve on. i can tell you this, it is so bloody shitty irritating and difficult. but then again, what choice do i have? you can't do anything. so i definitely can't sit there and wait for you to do something about it. because the problem is with me. so obviously i've got to get up and do something about it right? if not me, then who?

not now, then when?

i feel insignificant/~~useless~~/jealous/unhappy/irritated/angry/upset. why? you think i don't ask myself questions like these? if you think so, you already underestimated my thinking capacity. after asking why. i ask why do i feel insignificant/~~useless~~/jealous/unhappy/irritated/angry/upset because of these? after that i ask myself how? how to solve this shit. and how to dissolve the unhappiness. after coming up with a solution. i ask how again. how do i go about doing it. what do i have to do exactly.

why why how how. hah. i din realise this until now.

and the most depressing and demoralizing thing is that after so much thinking and welldoneyouthinkitrightman. the most difficult thing is the doing part. all talk and no do, you're just shit. yeah, fine, i'm like that. i suppose this is why people often underestimate how much i think. because my actions so don't show that i've thought bout it all. and i don't really voice out thoughts like these. so, who noes? (:

now i know. why do people always mention/bring up/ask/talk about things that i've thought bout long long long long long longgggggggggggggg time ago as if they thought i've overlooked that part. or as if they've just thought bout it when i've thought bout it long long long long longgggggggggggggggg time ago. you dunno how much i think each and every single second.

realised when you try to bring up the point that it is not my fault, i immediately shoot all the factors that shows it is my fault? and you were speechless after that HAHAHAHA. because i've thought bout it, seriously very long time ago before you ever want to tell me it's not my fault. i've ald thought, analysed, assured, confirmed it. i am not trying to show off the amount of thinking i do, since it's not anything worth showing off about anyway, i'm just trying to say that whatever you think i haven think of/overlooked, i can tell you i've already thought bout it. HAH.

i've realised that one major problem i have is that, i can't seem to conquer that ugly evil feeling inside me everytime. that i-want-full-attention attitude and i-know-i-am-unreasonable-but-i-just-really-can't-control-i-have-to-put-up-that-shitty-behaviour. it's that, i know it's wrong and unreasonable but still i do it kinda thing. it's the biggest stupidest problem and i've yet to overcome it. i act based on my feelings. when can i act based on my sensibility? you asshole.

oh well, look at the bloody time.

3:22am.

sigh. it's nice to vomit out these thoughts though.

it's that sadistic side of me again. that wanting-to-torture-myself-because-i'm-so-in-a-bad-mood thingy. i dun comprehand that part of me. hah.

nevertheless, i'm going to bed still. meeting louischuawangda and john tomorrow. maths(: ~~movie. NLB.~~

i've got to buck up for maths man. i've got to.

the pain in my shoulders is killing me. OUCH. DO NOT LIE TO ME. i know i have got shoulder cancer.

this is random but i've got an ulcer on my gum! sickening rite? ulcer is definitely second on the list of the-most-ugliest/sickening/irritating/disgusting/yuckiest/shitty/destructing/idiotic on planet earth. the first on the list is of cos none other then COCKROACHES. okay, whatever, i'm just still traumatized by that turned-around-and-i-saw-a-gigantic-disgusting-cockroach-on-my-back incident. still. tsk.

alright, before i go off.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		9
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		5
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/lovelanguages.php

quality time alright. hah.

goodnight to all(:

jun.

so what's your stupid problem, girl?

2006-06-19T01:06:00.000+08:00

change.

whoa. slept at 4am this morning, woke at 6am for awhile. then went back to sleep. woke at 10am when john arrived. hotcakes for breakfast! haha. so finally, we finished the chem homework. ~~forgot bout electrolysis. shit.~~ i did jianbaos until 4am this morning from last night when i came back from tm after meeting sam and evie. that was SO last minute.

sam came over to paint her nails in the afternoon. had fun talking to her while i do my jianbaos and she going "shitttttttttttttttt!" everytime she accidentally spoil her nail paintings. den we laughed like crazy bout the joke john created. shan't say it here. inside joke HAH.

speaking of that. john is one of the very few people who can make me laugh non-stop. non-stop as in really non-stop.

it was kinda nice sitting at the playground, just talking casually(:

i voiced my thoughts today!

yeah and you can write equations now(:

strive on.

anyway. this is kinda ~~interesting~~stupid.

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore will be sam.

troubles of the mind will be none other then me.

--<3 will be evie.

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
OMG

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
OMGOMGOMGOGOMGOMG

troubles of the mind
okay, i din say anything at all. hahaha. den i turned away and look elsewhere.

--<3
AFAIYST*&qg#59& rgfhj{ easdiUYR [V\]

--<3
4TWIP4YTB08[A

--<3
BAW48IY3Q[4Y4

troubles of the mind.
-.-

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
evie!!!!!

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
OMG

troubles of the mind.
wats that for?

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

troubles of the mind.
WAT?

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
AHHH!!!!

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIE

--<3
omgomgogmogmogmogmog

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIE

troubles of the mind.
=/

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIE

--<3
OGMOGMGOMOGMOGM

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIE

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
OMGOMGOMGOMGG]

troubles of the mind.
WAT?!

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EV

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVEVEV!!!

--<3
OGMOGMOGMOGMOGMGO MGOMGOMGOMGOMOGMOGMOGMOGMOGMG

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
HURRY

troubles of the mind.
tsk

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
GONO

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
WNOW

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
NOW

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
NOWNOW

--<3
SCARED LIKESHITTHSITHSITHSIT

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
HAHAHA

troubles of the mind.
WAT?!?!!?

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
EVIE'S BOYFRIEND ONLINE

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
THEGERALD BOY

troubles of the mind.
BOYFRIEND?

troubles of the mind.
OHHHHHHHHHHH

troubles of the mind
HAHAHHAHA

troubles of the mind.
HAHAHHAHA

troubles of the mind.
U GUYS TOGETHER ALD WTESJF SHFHGIRHGS

--<3
YORU OHEAD LAHHHHH

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
oops

--<3>
WHERE GOT SO FAST

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
ahaha!

troubles of the mind.
HAHAHAHHA GO AND TALK TO HIM HAHAHAHA

troubles of the mind.
$#^%$&$%%@

--<3
NONONONO

--<3
IM ScaRED

--<3
LIE SHITZZXZXZX

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
er.

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
he's offline.

--<3
SAMSAMAMMSMAMS

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
already.

--<3
SHTZXZXZXZ

--<3
..

troubles of the mind.
-.-

troubles of the mind.
lame shit

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
i think auto sign in ah.

troubles of the mind.
wat a disappoinment

--<3
backside......

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore.
ya.

yes. look, this was how they treated me. i so felt like a total idiot. hahaha

and below.

strength being none other then johntay.

Strength
DARLING

Strength
JUST NOW ONE CRAZY WOMAN CALLED!!!!

troubles of the mind.
really meh?

troubles of the mind.
wat she said?

Strength
YA

Strength
DUNNO

Strength
CRAZY LOR

troubles of the mind.
wat she say ?

Strength
aiya

Strength
why you haven't call

and you know. the crazy woman was me -.- yeah he was jus trying to be lame.

sigh. it feels kinda weird that louischuawangda is not online/available/here. eh i have smth to tell you man. i keep forgetting.

out with trish, faye and sam tmr! <3

TAGS(((((((((:

vanessa- EH I GO UR BLOG TAG ALD OKAY?! haha. really so bad meh? okay, i'll change the colour soon xD

cadence- EH NO LORRRRR. your tagboard is NOT yellow! haha. faster change go get a yellow one!!!! alright. i'll be at the chalet definitely :D

junji- HELLO. eh i online then u not online, how to tell you. hahaha. then when see you online you feel so hostile xD i will tell you as promised! :D

welsonn- HEYYYY. "where are you?" funny meh. TSK. its significant okay. haha.

farah- HELLO!!!! thanks for tagging (((((:

louischuawangda- hahahaha u saying ther rite? yah lor, wat if she flies off one day? she ald so small size ald still losing weight u know. HAHAHA U AT COUNCIL CAMP NOW HAHAHA.

... - HELLO! (: err, who's this? =/

anonycalmous- FINALLY I SEE YOU TAG. haha. YAH LAH I DUNNO LAH. must be some code code thingy between u and ther rite TSK. I WILL FIND OUT I TELL YOU. haha.

guys, keep tagging! feel free to criticise/comment/argue/compliment/voice/shout.

school next week! ah.

i'm gonna shut down this computer now and call mee :D

jun.

i said i will change. look.

2006-06-17T16:16:00.000+08:00

can i just extract my mouth from my face fer a few bloody weeks? ( i don like the word bloody but i've no use but to use it. now. cos that's the only descriptive word i can think of. bloody. ) THE ULCERS ARE KILLIN ME. literally. damn it lor. crys. imagine THREE BIG ULCERS, the size of a m&ms, all in one nice row. i think im psycho can. or maybe a sicko. it's sick just lookin at them. ew lor. sigh. and what's so nice&beautiful to know is that. I CANT GET RID OF THEM. not within a few days. and definitely not within a few weeks. ITS MONTHS. rahh` sickness. my mouth's rotting like sai la. =/ i should just shut up fer the rest of this month. ^{roll eyes.}

i lost another kg! so cool. im eatin. but im losin. weeeeeirrdd. ^ ^

so dumb can. i happily thought that just my luck is coming out today. BUT ITS NOT. bigsighs. sorry calv. make you come all the way to my house and to tm, to cs and den back to my house again..... fer nothing. many sorries. i really thought it's coming out today lor. i so wanna watch it. it looks darn nice ^ ^ hee. oh wells. next time then. lol. watched she's the man with jun and yi on mon. and it was simply hilarious. the whole thing. from the soccer match, the makeover, the teach-you-how-to-a-lady thing, everything la. its super funny. in simple words. it's really nice and worthy to watch. trust me(: haha. i don mind watchin it again actually(: lol. but the stupid part is. my horrendous, terrible, shitty, uncontrallable, super irritating cough spoiled it. imagine the person next to you coughin non-stop. you might be thinking, "so irritating la." haha. yar. i agree(: but imagine again. you, trying to hold on very very very badly to a cough, which is squeezing-crawling-pawing-oozing its way out from your throat.its simply suffocating can. whenever the people in the movie starts makin a din, im too(: hahaha. i'll start coughing and coughing away before everything quietens down again. so drama can but its terrible la. i tried to hold on. but cant. it just keeps comin! den no choice. i left the theatre without tellin yi&jun why. sorry guys. made you guys worry. i just coughed all the way to toilet and just walking there was a problem too. luckily there's nobody in the toilet. and i ~~happily~~ cough and cough and cough and cough and..... i vomitted. 0.0 hers. okeh la. everything happened before somebody came in. whews. lolol. alright. so drama. but sorry leh yi&jun. made you guys thot fer a sec that i've disappeared or made a runaway without my bags&books. lol.

________

alright. those are not written today. haha. don have time to publish it up the other time.

finally the shui zhu is awake. and what time isit now. 0317pm. in the afternoon(: hahaha. msged me at 1056am. and somebody told me he jus woke up. (: " just woke up " and he disappeared fer a long long long time after that. until now. he's finally awake. sigh. cant blame la. its the worldcup fever. everybody's staying up THE WHOLE NIGHT just to watch all the matches. coolness man. lol. "coolness" so i guess the whole world must be in slumber now. preparing again for the night. lolol.

im totally bored today la. there's tuition this morning. cleared logarithms, trigo(: , quadratic functions. i left with irritating binomial. sigh. don care. you've got a date with me today(: im so gonna figure you out by today man. lolol. went to the library to finish one compre. and i cant stand the hunger and the boredom so got out of there. haha. never go studying all alone. well, at least not fer me. it's not my cup of tea. nope. haha. so, later im going back to do all my stuffs. what stuffs?...... aiya. go back den i'll list everything out. i so pray that i won fall asleep so early tonight... haw.

THER(:

i believe in you. ^{with all my heart(:}

2006-06-16T22:16:00.000+08:00

dun be stupid.

too many of such people, i see everyday. i read about, i hear about. i dun want to be like that. i don't want to be the kind who has huge fat juicy dreams, but they just sit there and do absolutely nothing. i dun want to be like that.

enough is enough. not now, then when?

i dun want empty talks. jun, i want to see the actions. actions, girl. work.

there's this sadistic/psychotic/workaholic side of me that i can't comprehand. i know im tired. as in really physically tired. i slept at 3.30am this morning. then woke at 6.15am to go to school. yeah, just that few hours of sleep. and i feel rather weak now. and i thought of forcing myself to finish the work. am i mad or am i stupid? either way, i know it's not the how i'm supposed to do it. so i've decided to get my sleep, wake tmr morning to do my work.

i felt totally shitty after the geog test today. it was fully pure shit and crap. the things i wrote. i dun want to be like that anymore. it's not me at all. i'm not like that. i'm not one who sits there, know the problem, know how to solve the problem, but refuses to do it.

i a m n o t l i k e t h a t.

never was i. or maybe i became like that. this vacuums the me out of me. i dunno wat am i talking bout i dunno whether i'm even talking sense. but it's just that, i've had enough of my attitude towards studies and all, my reluctance to work hard, my excuses and shits, my i-feel-so-pathetic-each-time-i-fail-like-mad-but-i-just-carry-on-like-that. i din realise i'm like that. where is the jun i know of? where?

where are you?

when i was young~~and naive~~, i had this thinking that i've a burning fire inside me. i felt the fire burning so bright during P5, P6 years. i cannot agree more that it's totally gone now. where did it go?

where are you?

somebody has got to slap the crap out of me so i will really do the necessary. the work. dun coax me, dun persuade me, dun talk to me nicely, dun beg me, dun encourage me, dun make me feel comfortable, dun make me have my rubbish way. scold me, nag at me, hurt me, slap me, threaten me, do whatever u can do to make me feel the rare impact.

do it.

okay, it sounds very insane but i guess maybe it's just that desire in me to really work hard. or mayb its that sadistic side of me. watever the case, i have to. if not, what?

not now, then when?

sometimes we've got to make it happen. rather then sit there and say that it will happen. saying it won't make it happen. doing it will.

remember that.

gonna go do the first thing on my list of you-better-do-it-or-you-are-a-shit.

S L E E P .

and charming is waiting for me. charming. HAH(:

goodnight to all :D

jun.

you have to do it. you workaholic. where are you?

2006-06-15T18:51:00.000+08:00

heart break. SO? big deal.

finished chemistry worksheet ammonia and haber process. i know i'm bloody slow, but watever lah. i'll finish the other three worksheets tonight. i dun care whether i dun sleep or what. i dun care. but it was ~~hilarious~~dumb just now. i was just depressed and guess what did i wanted to do when i was in that depression? not eat, not scream, not die, not faint, not kill. i was dying to do maths. psychotic rite? yeah, so i was depressed depressed then i went to do maths. then guess what? the stupidest thing happend. i couldn't find my shitty calculator. i dunno where the hell did it go, i just couldn't find it. how to do maths when u dun have shitty calculator? HAH. so i decided to do emaths graphs. then i couldn't find the emaths homework sheet. the one with the questions we have to do. imagine the frustration. i just went around the house looking for that sheet of paper and that shitty calculator at the same time. i found neither of them.

i so don't want to rot the day away again so i decided to do chemistry. imagine all the thoughts in my head. all the "where are you now?" and "i'm so depressed." . bloody irritating. i read "so, if the temperature is raised, some ammonia decomposes to absorb the extra heat, causing the percentage of ammonia to fall." about 2000 times but i still dunno what was i reading. you know what? you know what it feels like? it feels like that particular day when i was studying for that particular social studies paper the next day. just that this time it's less dramatic/serious. the relief came only after i managed to do the first page of the worksheet. and i felt so much better just by looking at the completed work. just that one page. that one page of completed chemistry worksheet calmed my nerves. then your message came. i was too afraid to view it. yeah, maybe i'm too much this time. i've always been too much. when was i ever good? i cant even stand myself you know. strength? i dunno how much i have. but i'm definitely stronger. but still not as strong as you think i am. who knows me better than i do? who knows of the times i get scared and cry in the toilet simply out of nothing? who notices the number of times i fail because i'm not strong? nobody knows better than me myself. if you think i was trying to be attitude again. i was not. i was saying how i feel. things are just wrong. why?

and sleep well, if good night is all you have to say.

maybe you just don't care no more. says:
AHHHHHHHHHHHH FINALLY I SEE U ONLINE!
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
...

you should have seen my expression when louischuawangda came online. i was having this i-think-i-haven-spoken-a-word-for-the-past-2000-years feeling. it feels like i haven communicate with any human being for long. dun ask me why i feel like that cos i wonder too. HAH. yeah, that explains my excitement when louis came online. but his reply was just anti-climax lah.

BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
i was guessing u want to see me online is it
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
haha

okay yeah fine. ~~but there's no need to remind me that nobody is talking to me, idiot.~~

and i think this is the first time i actually overcome this thing with determination. why?

i miss yi too. it jus feels weird that there's only me and ther. it's like there is smth missing. yea, me and ther are lonely. ~~lonely pigs.~~ wonder when is yi coming back. hmm. and for now, i'll just, do my chemistry worksheets, ponder over the one sentence message, wonder the why, ask the where are you question, eat the food, and feel the sadness.

and wait for the talk. ~~if there will be any.~~

wat the hell is tansama?! ther refuses to tell me. TSK.

two posts today, alot of nonsense yeah. hah.

goodnight. and goodbye.

jun.

where are you?

2006-06-15T14:10:00.000+08:00

weirdo.

i know it's wrong. i dunno what is wrong and i dunno how to say. rubbish. i know what is wrong, i know how to say. it's just really up to me. whether i want to put in the effort and say it. i'm feeling rather weak now. i've plenty of work to do. i'll have to force myself to do it. those who are supposed to motivate me are currently all busy/unavailable. stand on your own, idiot.

okay, so i'm unhappy bout the same old things. i think i've had enough of myself too, but i'm getting confused, or rather, i'm getting speechless. unhappiness caused the silence and the reluctance to talk. it might sound so ugly but.

number one. that friend of yours earned herself a bad impression. somehow. i'm sorry if i was rude.
number two. weigh. weigh? i don't place my trust on emptiness. you have to earn the trust and faith people have in you. i am just worried.
number three. i guess i'm just angry with myself for being like that.

look, i'm unreasonable, i'm not understanding enough, i know it. but i also know it's just me to be like that. i won't say i will change, cause i know that's kinda impossible. i'd say i'll improve. i dunno how, i'll try to. i've got to try. i'm sorry for behaving like that, but i was really trying to keep that unhappiness shut ( and it's so obvious that you know it, so my attempt was shit. ) because i know it's not gonne help things even if i voice it out. nor is anything gonna change. i don't see the point of saying it, so i don't. i don't do things just for the sake of doing it. and also, i don't want to become one who simply complains. concentrate on the unhappiness and magnify it. for what? to make things worst? okay, mayb i was being stupid or naive for thinking that by keeping quiet and obviously being unsuccessful at doing it, i'm keeping the unhappiness at minimum level. okay, i'm being retarded here. but i was seriously just trying. maybe it sounds like i so dunno what i'm talking bout, but i just say what comes to my mind. if it sounds illogical, it simply means there's smth seriously wrong with my mind. maybe you havent realise, and maybe nobody did too, i am NOT the kind who expresses her feelings for people through words. by saying it. i told you i've this obstacle in speaking. realise i like to write? i have 4/5/6 diaries? i can write long long loooonnnggg letters? i voice all my unhappiness in my posts? i prefer msn to talking on the phone? i so dunno how to respond when you tell me how you feel? i know it's kinda moronic, but that IS the problem with me. and you know, it's really pointless to ask me stuffs like "what's wrong?" and "what's bothering you?" because i really dunno how to say it out. but i know i can answer if you ask me specifically. for example, "are you stressed up by work?" that is specific. i can tell u no or yes. instead of asking "what's wrong?" and my answer would most probably be smth like "alot of things is obviously wrong." or "i dunno how to tell you." kinda dumb rite? and it keeps going on and on because.. probably nobody has discover this side of me. shit. yeah, mayb somebody should mute me so i will just have to die writing my thoughts out for the rest of my life. weirdo.

alright, mayb you're ~~angry~~unhappy or what or maybe not. i will try to tell you slowly. literally slowly. hah.

4NURTURE chalet was kinda fun yesterday. the chicken wings were nice in a idunnohowtodescribeandexplain way. i ate ALOT okay, i ate alot of the chicken wings. anyway, the potato salad john brought me was nice but i was in that don't-force-me-to-eat-or-i-will-really-puke-and-the-food-suddenly-looks-disgusting condition. so yeah, it looks disgusting but it tastes nice. aiyah, wadever. and the 4nurture cake was damn damn nice! it was bloody chocolatey i tell you. it's that the-chocolate-melts-in-your-mouth kinda thing. HAH. it was just very delicious. yum yum. went with john to the beach for a walk. the railings at the sea area were literally rotting. YUCKS MAN, REMINDS ME OF SILENT HILL. eeeeeeeeek! the sea was nice, and we saw this old ah pek and ah ma at the seaside. romantic eh, hah.

den when ther went for her walk, i stayed downstairs eating and eating. audrey, patrick and sam were there too. and i swear sam is one of the lamest people i ever met. test tubes and tube tops. no link okay, hahaha. after which i went upstairs and joined hiangling, lifang, adeline, louis, yongzhi, kaiwu and audrey. louis was so high at first because he was winning. and i find it so weird that kaiwu kept getting cards like 3and3. 2and2. 7and7. 10and10. he kept getting such cards lah, damn funny. den they decided to play murderer so ther and me joined in. they wanted to play the advanced murderer initially. with the angel, and winkings. but due to the fact that there were quite little people playing, it's super obvious when you wink. the very first time louis winked, audrey saw it. den we decided to play the squeeze hand method instead. weichoy kill us so bloody fast the detectives can't catch him in time lah. i forgot who was the one who came up with the eat the chocolates/sweets if you lose thingy. so louischuawangda was practically trying to shove the kit-kat into my mouth while i was eating cos i was supposed to eat them up in two mouths. ~~sicko.~~ hah. hey i was already bloody full lah, and i ate quite some of the chocolates okay.

left with the girls after that. ~~it was so cold/anti-climax/awkward/weird/irritating at the bus stop.~~ so we took bus29 and i decided to alight at this particular stop to take bus12 to pasir ris interchange which is probably the faster way. i was just too stupid so i couldn't figure out whether i have to cross the road or i just take the bus12 at that bus stop. being the blockhead i am, i assumed and took the bus12 at that bus stop. then i was happily listening to my music on the bus when expo came into sight. WAT THE? i can't be at expo. i was supposed to be heading towards pasir ris interchange. yeah, i took the wrong bus. feeling so dumb and dejected, i alighted at expo and crossed over to wait for bus12 again. thought of taking the mrt at expo but the route to the mrt looked super eerie lah, decided not to. it was 11.10pm when i alighted at expo. reached home at 12am in the end. wasted like half an hour or so. i rolled my eyes like mad okay, till the extent i thought they wont go back to the original position. HAH LAME. this paragraph is just to show off my stupidity. HAHA, sorry, i was just witless.

this is abit pointless but i have to say it. it's damn disgusting you know. when i was at the interchange waiting for bus358 to come, THERE WERE FOUR COCKROACHES THERE AT ONE PLACE. FOUR OKAY. FOUR HUGE ONES. and there were a few flying around. YUCKS MAN. THAT WAS SO SICK. and one of them was on the floor, OVERTURNED and struggling to turn back to its original position with the legs and watever watever moving moving. eh, it doesn't look hilarious or comical, it looks disgusting okay, it was so sick i wanted to scream my lungs out. imagine the terror. COCKROACHES. YUCKIEST CREATURES ON PLANET EARTH.

called sam's phone immediately when i reached home. we were supposed to conference at 11pm lah, i was one hour late. and wat were they talking bout when i called? they were talking bout handphones -.- when they were supposed to decide when to meet and blablas. meeting them next tuesday. glad to know that, it's been so long since the previous time four of us went out together. sooooo long. and it means i better save up the money i have now. and it also means i can't buy my ruler/eraser, nor the scissors, ~~blades~~ and highlighters. wait till the next time i'm financially stable then. wait. long long.

charged my phone and i saw no smses coming in:(

gotta spend today doing my homework and stuffs. saddening. and the jianbao is such a huge huge burden lah, it sickens me to do them. all the long long reflections we have to write and summary somemore. arghhhhhh. watever, still have to do it. and i'm just glad that lin lao shi remains as our chinese teacher. that's good. finally. we've got a decent chinese teacher. work. stress. silence. i've got to get through them all. with you. but where are you now? where?

this is random, but i feel that the question "where are you?" is somehow special. there's this something about the question "where are you?" that i find unique. i dunno what, and i dunno how to explain. it's just how i feel. ~~i'm a weirdo.~~ i think when i ask the question where are you, it's either i've this longing for the person, whoever it is. or i just really nit help from that person. or it's just that i really want to know where that particular person is. not the casual kinda asking, like when i'm meeting my friends and i call and ask "where are you now? i'm at the interchange." NOT THAT KIND LAH. and you know, the best person ever to sms "where are you?" is louischuawangda. i'm serious. he replies within the same minute. whatever lah, this is just random.

anyway, there's just something about you. you don't know it. you claimed that i'm special and unique. but you are too. you just dunno, and maybe you don't agree, but i'm telling you this is what i think. you have this unparalleled ability to make me smile. make people smile. you haven realise it because u've been concentrating on the pains you ever caused to anyone. you magnify the pains and sadness you caused, concentrate on looking at them and you overlook the smiles and happiness you bring to people ( i'm telling you this, this is what i see.) why don't think about what have you done for people for once? what good have you done and how you made people laugh out loud, how you make people can't help it but smile. plenty of times. it's just that you never really think bout it. the way people react and what people say bout you does not define you. okay? nobody has the rights to say whether you are good or bad. nobody. you define yourself. don't look so much at the negative parts of you that you forget bout the good things you've done. like how you write letters with ~~repetitve,disorganized~~ contents which made me smile. and seriously, it's not even your fault in the first place, you're not even the cause of the unhappiness. i am. you're just being the usual nice/caring/comforting you, pushing the blame to yourself, telling me i'm not the problem, you are the problem. hello? i explained it so many trillion times my saliva is so gonna dry up. i know it's my problem. HAH. just don't worry. you're NOT the problem or the source of unhappiness. OKAY?!

and you're just extraordinary(:

sometimes, i think you're real nice because you're nice and you dunno. HAH, get it?

this is abit irrelevant but it's just super weird. this morning i woke and looked at my phone. and there on the screen is..

SGP M1-3GSM
Pasir Ris Drive 1

and it's still there. mayb i'm really dumb or what but i really dun get it why did the pasir ris drive 1 appear on the screen. can somebody tell me? haha. it's bloody weird. and yeah, i do live at pasir ris drive 1. weird rite? HAH -.-

whoa, this post is lllllooonnggg man. gonna stop here and go start on my work or i'll never ever start. hahaha.

may money drop from nowhere and into my hands so i can buy my ~~scissors/blades/~~highlighters/erasers/rulers/pencils/markers/stapler.
may i stop being stupid/irritating/lazy/retarded/insensible/shitty/attitude so all the work can be completed successfully on time.
may the unhappiness dissolve so the ~~scary~~silence will vanish.
may all cockroaches die and decompose so i wont be traumatized by them anymore.
may you be happy and so do i.
may all those who can't sleep, sleep and be satisfied.
may all who haven't wake from their rotten life, fall and realise they have got a proper life to find.
may my lunch be nice so i won't feel deprived.
may i stop saying all the mays -.-

and for now. the horror of the past is back to haunt me.
that familiar feeling. so real. so vivid. so terrible. so pain.
this is my phobia.
saddening.
tears.

alright. goodbye.

jun.

and just where are you now?

2006-06-14T16:04:00.000+08:00

a really kuku thing happened today man.

i was like so looking forward to going home and SLEEP..

but then.

when i was on the way home.

i got the news that..

"there's no electricity at home okeh?"

HUH. 0.0

so much for wanting to go home and sleeeep beautifully.

LOL. okeh. that's bit dongdong.

haha.

it was super hot la.

imagine.

no fans, no tvs, no music, no lights..

i realised the heater's not working too. ( oh my god la )

but that was okeh. cos the heat's getting me. lol.

and when i was happily msgin msgin and suddenly a msg popped up and say,

" battery empty. recharge. " di di di. offed. -.-"
that's when i found out I CANT CHARGE MY PHONE. dang.

what's even more kuku was.

i was rushin and hurryin but i've got to iron the clothes.

and so, i happily took the iron board out, the iron out and there.

everthing was ready.

but then when i start ironin..

i din see the light on the iron................."eh?"

dang again. i cant iron! dongdong can.

okeh la. so now im takin refuge in the computer centre.

enjoying the aircon(: hahahah.

-.-" psycho. lol.

actually it wasn't all that bad la.

my sister was complaining and complaining.

and den i told her, " shi wo men you fu (:"

i smiled at her.

she stared blankly into my eyes.

more smiles.

hahahaha.

we both went crazy together at home today la.

but im glad i had her there. with me.

lolol.

goin to NERS chalet later.

N E R S.

so cool.

i've no idea what we'd be doin there man.

all i noe is that if i don get my butt out of this chair

and bloody get out of here.

i'll be late veh soon. OH.

and jun told me this mornin,

" you better get there BY 0430 man. or else i disown you i tell you."

LOLOL.

so sads man.

jun so bad.

disown me :(

hahaha.

im sorry i din reply you eh? i cant charge my phone rmbr?

my only source of electricity is.. THE CHALET (:

haha.

den i can charge. sorry okeh?

and yar. i really hate seein you like this.

don be like this alright?

your tone, your everything. it'll start the thinking machine again.

sigh. sorry.. im like this.

i cant stop myself from thinking.

but im really trying really hard to be cool when you're like this.

at least i still talk to you nicely (: eh?

not like you we. " okeh. okeh. okeh..... " hai.

lol. okkeh la.

but i really love the talks(:

i like the sensitive you.

hmmmm. no. not sensitive.

ah bah. i dunno la. i dunno how to say. lol.

okeh.

GOTTA FLY!

miss yi (:

come back soon. hee.

hearts.

THER <3

2006-06-13T20:54:00.000+08:00

the 13th of june.

today is supposedly a happy happy day. okay, it was. i think, so far. yep. i woke when my phone rang. felt oh so cheated the first thing in the morning. the previous night..

(this is irrelevant, but hahahahahah.)
john: hmmmmmmmm how many bra should i bring?
me: hmmmmm, bring one lor.
john: eeeeeeeeeee. one bra for three days?

okay. okay.

john: SHUCKS!
me: huh? what ?
john: i forgot to buy smth. arghhhhhhhhhhhh. @#$%^$*&$^ how can i forget!
me: forgot to buy what?
john: something lah. aiyah. shucks. &%^*$%^@$%$%& *complains complains.
me: =/ errrrr. so what is it that you forgot to buy?
john: something lah.
me: so what is it ? * irritated.
john: balloons lah. for the chalet...
me: oh.
john: but i told deborah ald, i think she's gonna get it. sigh, always trouble her.
me: orh.
john: hmm, no lah, it's not lah, it's some other things.
me: ------------___________------------- okay? so what is it?
john: something lah.

HAHA BALLOONS. what a joke. okay, so john wrote me three letters.

"i dun want you to be lonely when i'm away. read these letters for the 3days okay?"

tsk, you make me feel like i'm so kinda loner. HAHA YOU'RE NOT GOING OVERSEAS OKAY. you sound like you're going to africa for like what 2000years. in actual fact you're just away for the chalet. haha cheapo foolscap paper. okay, at least the envelope is glam enough lah. anyway the drawing of the person jumping down from the building supposedly to be an animation is so NOT cute. haha. okay lah, thanks for the ID band and the letters, i appreciate it.

"you must promise me one thing - to open the letters on the day written on the envelope. CANNOT OPEN ALL ON ONE DAY K. BE PATIENT. "

wat the.. this must be an attempt to kill me. YOU KNOW I'M A CURIOUS KID.

*peeps into letter 14th june & 15th june.

haha. alright, i promised, i'm not gonna look. ~~you sicko.~~ haha.

"for now, we'll just look forward to the studyings k?"

i dunno why. but there's smth bout this sentence that motivates me. i dunno what, i dunno how. it motivates me(: studyings. yeah, study. studies.

*puts face on the square on the letter. HAHA.

maths lesson today was great. i like maths(: speaking of maths lesson, reminds me of louischuawangda. i really wonder why isn't he online. anyway, i know i'm bloody slow, cos i'm lazy. but i just finished factors of polynomials today. i'm satisfied but not satisfied. gonna do more later after typing this post. i'm super slow lah i know, ther ald finished all the amaths. and my aim is to finish all holiday homework by this sunday. somebody better nag at me to do so. somebody.

i am currently super duper broke cos i spent my money on pens ~~:DD~~ just now. sigh, and i'm not satisfied yet. i still have many many things to buy okay. i feel so poor all of a sudden :(

tricia is not replying. TSK.

gonna go do my amaths.

*wears ID band.

i feel like a patient. HAH.

jun.

i'm looking forward. i am.

2006-06-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

silence.

i just woke up from this idunnohowlong sleep and i feel so beaten up. read this whatelsecanisay message and draggggggggggggggggggged myself out of bed to talk to louischuawangda online. i realised this thing bout myself. everytime when something bad happens, i start to think. i think and think and think until the point when i realise i can't think anymore. not because i'm tired, it's because i think my thinking has reached its limit. when i start to repeat the same thoughts. this is the point of time when i go to other ppl and ask for their opinions. i dun ask for solutions because i believe if i can't solve it myself, nobody else can. therefore, i ask for opinions. now i realise this pattern. and i also realise, other people's opinion always agrees with my thoughts. mayb it means i've stretched my thoughts to the limit and think of all aspects. i always do. so wat to do when i know i cant do anything? (: that's the sad thing you know.

i cant do anything.

i told louis, it's like somebody jus snatched away my stuffs and my heart aches like mad but i cannot even say a word. all i can do is sit there and ohsogreat feel the bloody pain. hey, i know i said this before. i remember i said something like that before. so why am i saying it again? i guess it's the same as my thoughts. they are repeating because it's the limit, it's just all that i can say. all that i can think of.

this morning. i stared into the emptiness of the canteen as i wait. i felt this sudden heartache. literally. i guess it's some kinda sadness. i call it heartache. it was very strong. it was very sad. i see alot of us leading some very shitty life. which of cos, includes me. very shitty life. and the sad thing is nobody seems to realise it. i felt alone with that thought of mine. what to do? the feeling of rot is back again. it's time to change and prioritise. you know, i really dun care i die or i faint, i just want what i want.

it's time to change.

girl, dun rot again.

i dun understand. okay, mayb u can say i dun understand. well, u know wat? too bad. i need energy for so many things, i already see myself in that beaten up state trying my best to just stay focus. i know i cannot live through all this with all that. what to do? i'm not a person who gives up. okay, wait, i dun think of it as give up. i'd say it's a let go. okay wait, let go of what?

i dunno? i wish i dare to say it.

it's getting from bad to worst. i dunno what to do? because i cant do anything.

BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
ok
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
fine
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
den wat u wan do la
BORED-ED and BORED-RING says:
wat u feel like doing but can't

hey that made me think, it did. i stared when you told me that. what do i feel like doing but i can't? HAH. ALLLLLOOOTT. well, it's okay. i guess it's time for heartbreak again. why is my life like that? eeeek.

i dunno. i just feel so shitty. there's this weakness inside me again. my shoulders feel like somebody's pulling them real hard. my stomach is empty literally. my head is exploding with all the thoughts. my hair looks like grass. my face looks like shit. argh.

~~i need some counselling.~~

louischuawangda. tsk. ~~i so feel like doing that psycho thing u suggested. AHAH.~~

jun.

girl, hold on please.

2006-06-12T01:02:00.000+08:00

it's perfectly fine that you don feel like telling me what's really going on inside you. yes. it's perfectly fine. alright? maybe yes. you're not all ready to open yourself up to me yet. but that's okeh. hm?(: i guess you still need space. i'll not ask since you don want me to. but i just want to let you know that. i'm always reachable. and am willing to listen you out if. you give me the chance. okeh? i don want you go hiding everything inside you and just keep it all to yourself. you told me to never hide things from you. no matter how unrelated, insignificant, ridiculous, kuku, dong dong things. rmbr? but like i said. maybe you still need space. and yes. im willing to give you that. just don... you know. alright? (oops. i forgot to click send. sorry. late reply ) it just worries me alot. that's all. but just let me know everything's going to fine over there okeh?

im not good with words. it's once in a blue moon when i really know how to express myself, what's my real feelings are, in words. i can never express myself in words. never. cos i'll always exress myself wrongly and misinterpretations will then come in. lol. if you want to know what my real feelings are, talk to me. those, are real(:

hearts,

ther(:

"tanasama! " :D

2006-06-09T23:30:00.000+08:00

paragraphs.

dearjohn. ~~hey charming!~~
"go away lah!"
"irritating boy!"
"stupid."

often, these are the things i shout at you, but what you return with is nothing but smiles and "darling, i'm sorry, darling, i'm sorry, please, darling, i'm sorry, please, darling, i'm sorry, darling, i'm sorry, please, darling, i'm sorry, please." repetition and lack of creativity and originality but okay, it's enough to make me smile. hey you are special in such a way that you accept my attitudes and bad temper with smiles and jokes. you never fail to turn my frowns into smiles and my screwed up expressions into a hidden laugh. thanks for all the bra jokes, lame jokes, not-so-funny-but-i-still-laugh jokes and all and all. laughter always exists when you're there. thanks for all the "i'm with you just remember i love you." though i often reply with a "always say the same thing sia you." i appreciate it. i know sometimes i go too far with my "you so stupid can." and those you-have-mistress-rite-? jokes. HAHA. alright, i'm sorry. i know i dun extend my apologies enough when it happens. but i do tell you stuffs like "i'm sorry if i joke about the wrong things." rite? ~~when the mood is rite.~~ haha. about those youknowyouknow stuffs. i'm really really sorry i cannot understand and sometimes due to my lack in understanding, i dun give the respect you deserve. i admit, i overeact plenty of times, but still, i know what i ought to do. i know you deserve the respect, so i ought to give it to you. you know i tried, i know i tried, but not hard enough though. i dunno? i have this feeling it's not for me. i'm sorry. i know you'd like to share and make me understand but it's not for me. mayb you think "how would you know when you havent experience it?" but from what i see and hear, i think it's not for me. thanks anyway, for giving me the chance to experience what you go through every now and then. i guess it's my fault that i dun wanna go for it/understand it. but i dun care now. i just do what i want to do. i say what i think. or the gap i have been talking bout will really start to build. you know what i'm talking bout. i know you dun like my silence, i know you dun like my depression state and sometimes you dunno how to guess, you dunno how to react, you dunno how to handle. but let me tell you, it's fine. i'm jus like that. really. there's no way anyone can really "cheerify" me when i'm having the attitude. it's jus me when i'm in the bad mood. it's jus me. that part of me that i can't stand too. HAH. thanks for tolerating those though, i know it's very shitty. well, just thanks(: anyway, i love the things we do, like night walks and playground talks, NLB visits at night ( i still bloody miss the blackred cloths. ) , morning movies, late night phone calls, delifrance meals, foodcourt feast (the budget times :D) , scratching the sand, poking sessions, snatching leafs to eat in the middle of the road (yeah, we eat leafs.) , meeting in the last/first carriage, billy bombers meal with the same waiters and waitresses, doing maths together ( so i can act smart and teach you HAHA :D ), doing ss together ( cos you are the ultimate explanation generator! ). and not forgetting the jokes and all the lameness that brightened my days. oreo milkshake, charlie brown and the langdons, mistress jokes and bra series, pimple boy/pimple girl/tumour face, abalones and bai tang gao, deangrifying and cheerifying me, high pitch "you good lor!", the chatlogs and private&confidential book, long anniversary messages, the sharings sharings, everything and all the things. i wont forget the way you understand, tolerate, act cute and act sweet, send long messages, blog about me, compliment me, share with me, talk to me, joke with me, laugh with me, persuade, counsel, comfort, advise, care and love. all these are beyond words. it's the feelings that i get from you. the feelings. that feeling. a feeling i'd call, simple love. thank you(:

alright, i'm not talking bout john only. the rest will be the rest. the other paragraphs will come with my other posts. jus that the one to john will be the first hmm. okay, i'm right now at evie's again, so getting my ears spoiled by the evil music sam and evie are playing on the piano. okay mayb not evil. haha. wat's with this akanishi jin person, he's so not hot. thank you louis chua wang da for abandoning me online just because you were playing some games. you know what? ~~gaming so should be banned.~~ hur. i want books! i want sold, tuesdays with morrie, the lost journey and that leukemia drama rama book my sis is currently reading. and then movies movies! these are the stuffs i need. mayb you think i'm such a nerdy/irritating/boring/deprived person. okay mayb i am. haha, so ? it's me that i'm happy with and about. me lah me lah (: what about sunrise and church services? maybe, maybe. but for now, i'm thinking of louischuawangda (if u so like your name in full here in my posts -.- ) hey you changed, you are stronger now, that's what i feel and what i see, you are more sensible, i'm glad about that, but there are other issues. issuesssssssssss. ahahahaha. ~~watever~~ and you know what? you stopped the cycle you got stuck in like how i did((((((: maybe good friends are like that.

okay, mayb not. hah.

feeling rather tired now.

shall end here.

jun.

"if we don't share the same vision of future." will it happen?

edit: evie's house is in a mess cos she and her brother are horrible creatures. there's chips containers hidden behind the sofa, there's macdonald's plastic bags on the floor flying around. there's pieces of paper lying around on the floor, there's cds behind the computable table, there's curry which looks like sai on the kitchen table, there's dirt and everything watever watever sticky stuffs even on her computer table and kitchen floor. there's mountains of dirty clothes as they are so pampered and spoilt they dunno how to use the bloody washing machine which is also another weirdo. so as a result, sam and evie and me are looking like aunties now, mopping, wiping, vaccuming, washing. sam makes a good wife/mother i tell you. you dun have to do a shit if u live with her. she will automatically clean all the dirt in sight, wash all the plates/bowls/spoons/cups/forks/pans/wateverwatever you used, make the floor so clean it shines before she even leaves the house, soak, srub, wash, dry, fold, iron all the clothes you can find in the house. marry her man. guys, marry her. HAHA. i'm just another spoilt brat i think(: i'm just another piece of lazy shit who sits ard all day using the computer or reading my book, doing my own stuffs. HAH. yeah lah, i dun make a good wife/mother/~~maid~~. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek. yawn(:

okay, louischuawangda, now you abandon me for the world cup. that's indeed very nice of you. hpmh. gambling is bad for health. ~~both the secret and literal meaning~~ *winks.

also thank you to john for cheating/lying/hiding-the-truth. cheaterbug *poke your tumour face. HAHAHAHAHA. confiscate your bra HAHAHAHAHA. err hem, okay sorry. go and eat your roti prata lah, oily cheater. HAHAHAHA -.-

byebye!

2006-06-08T12:28:00.000+08:00

sometimes.

overwhelmed by this weird emptiness today. it's a feeling of being not loved and cared for. it's a feeling of idunnohowyoudescribeit. it's just this cold empty feeling, this feeling sucks, totally. anyway, i'm still fine, just slightly unstable i suppose. it's all because of this book that i'm reading. yeah, a book that so affected my mood today. wat anti-climax.

okay, rather random but the story is about child abuse. saddening shit. then i get so unbalance now, first i feel so cold and upset cos i was too engrossed in the story, then on the other hand when i snap back to reality, i compare and feel so loved, so just what am i feeling now? i dunno. it's mixed emotions. but it's just this weird feeling of unloved and cold. this feeling i've never felt before. never. it's that are-all-these-real? kinda feeling. i shut the book and the story away and i went to the living room for dinner. i looked at my dad, my mum, the food, i asked myself. are all these real? oh am i not blessed? i can feel this love for my mum, my dad and my life. though not perfect in any ways, not luxurious in any aspect, but i've got a good life. i've got lovely parents, wonderful sis, great friends, love, care&concern, food, warmth, everything a human being ever needed. i feel the love for my mum getting stronger nowadays. the pain and hardship she went through and is still going through. she never complains, she dun blame us, she cares and she that's what everybody feels bout their mother. HAH. loves. i'm not one who openly express my feelings that well, i've problems in verbal expression. but u know, i dun express or say anything, that doesnt mean i dun feel anything. normally, the stronger the feeling, the more difficult i find it to express/say. so, it's really kinda difficult if u were to ask me to really say out wat's troubling me. i'm much better at writing if you haven realised. i dunno? i'm sure everybody loves their mother. but sometimes i just feel my mum is so special, she's so different. mayb

there you go again, isn't it obvious enough?

feeling all deranged now. i think i shouldn't get so emotionally involved in movies and stories. it's really kinda bad for health. but it's nice in such a way that i can forget bout the rest of the world for that moment or so. it's nice.

tomorrow feels like the end of the world, i dunno why. it jus feels like, okay, mayb tmr is the day i'm gonna die. if it is, goodbye to all.

okay and here is sam going..

- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
u know i missed YR just now
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
so i called him
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
and i made up an excuse saying that i needed help with knowing how to operate a washing machine.
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
then we hanged the phone
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
then i missed him again
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
so i messaged himand asked him why he sounded so sleepy on the phone
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
he replied saying that he had an arguement with his dad
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
because his dad wanted to go on an 8 day cycling trip with him
- тне вl ack ¹вu ттeя fly ³».x. -//: this beautiful melancholy, along a strange weeping shore. says:
but he didn't want to waste 8 days when he only has 13 days of holiday

well sam, i think it's such a pity that you aren't trying. but looking at wat's happening, mayb it's good in a way that you are staying single. but watever it is, trish/evie/me can be your boyfriend you know. HAHA. errrr, okay, anyway YOU DON'T CALL HIM AND MAKE UP AN EXCUSE BOUT WASHING MACHINESE OKAY -.- #%^%&@$%#@$ at least make an effort to make up an excuse which is less lame can.

and what if you are not there to watch me leave?
how about what if i'm not there to watch you leave?

it occurred to me that, somtimes, we are jus being too self-centered. we only say

"i feel so ..."
"look what's happening to ME."
"this is how you treat ME."
"this is how you talk to ME."

what about other people? what about the other party? what about the people around you? what about them? have you ever thought of it? or were u just too busy thinking me me me me me me memememememe? i dunno bout you guys, but i realised that's something bout me. sometimes, i concentrate so much on how i feel and everything that i forget bout how the other party feels and wat other people thinks. negligence. the most sinful crime ever. alright watever, after all and all the shits, i'm jus feeling guilty haha. and, i'm not only talking bout john here, many other people. many other people. next time. paragraphs next time=)

abalone boy, I DUN YELP. ~~haha~~

okay shit. i keep forgetting. tsk.

the next few days will be war. WAR WAR WAR.

tag replies.

thanks to all who tagged!

ryan - (: yeah thanks man. hope u're well and happy too. troubles are bad for health! special eh? u're always impacted to come here :D seeya ard!

anonymous - HELLO! HAHA. *winks.

darren - hello darrenmous. VERY FUNNY MEH? (:

hiangling - HI HIANGLING! hahaha yeah yeah i read your blog so i know! i love to eat also xD

huiwen - hello! i got it from my friend's blog :DDDDD

louis chua wang da - okay i dunno why but i jus have the tendency to spell ur whole name out *roll eyes. okay okay okay u impt u impt. haha. yes yes, i get your words. *winks.

sam - FINALLY YOU TAGGED $#%^&%^$@$#. YAH LAH OF COS I ROCK LAH. HAHAHAHAHA -.- love ya! seeing ur pretty face tmr hmm :D

i miss ryan. sorry abit random but i jus thought of ryan. that big brother figure. his advices. troubles are bad for health! (:

i'm so stuck with stories and movies or watever. this new book on the table my sis brought home jus caught my eye. argh, another family family story. haha.

jun.

love john :D

2006-06-06T15:05:00.000+08:00

it all depends on you now. to be or not to be, it's all in your hands.

and you are not there to watch me leave.

you're just trying to be possessive.

heartbreaker,
jun.

where's the nata de coco yoghurt?

2006-06-05T23:24:00.001+08:00

Just fill in 20 names.

01. SAMANTHATENGJIAYIN
02. Evie
03. Trish
04. ther
05. louis chus wang da
06. sister
07. ryan
08. cadence
09. yi
10. jon
11. wanjun
12. Ian
13. John
14. sijia
15. hiangling
16. gerlaine
17. darren
18. kekang
19. meiying
20. thiru

Answer the questions.

1. How has 1 affected your life?
very greatly man. the 6 years of close friendship. all the fun, sadness, depressions, happiness, celebrations, troubles, happenings. she knows it all. if she's not here i dunno what's gonna happen you know. samantha brings happiness and fun! ahahahaha.

2. Why is 20 one of the 20 names? i kinda miss him alot that's why.

3. Has 3 changed alot over the years you know him/her? she changed, but not ALOT though. she's prettier now that's for sure! her character is still the same i believe, still the same old her.

4. 3 words to describe 17. pole-like, straight-faced, changed.

5. What do you like about 7? ~~he counsels me~~ he gives great advices, he listens to me if i ever need to talk, he's the cause of laughters. and of cos, all the music from him, u know wat i mean(:

6. How did you know 12? primary school classmate. he sits beside me and he was so shy then that he always try to move his table away from mine, as a result our dear teacher got very angry and he tried to make fun of him by placing a dustbin between my table and his, if the dustbin drops he will punish ian. well, it was hilarious, sitting beside this over-shy guy with a dustbin in between us. HAH.

7. Do you trust 2? yes, duh :D

8. Hows working with 19 like? good. she's very helpful and u wont ever feel at lost when u're ard her cos she make things so easy.

9. How close are you and 4? well, how to measure? close enough to hear her say "i have stomache." more than 2000 times a day. she say she loves me!

10. What has brought you and 18 together? our troubles.

11. Describe life without 5. no lame talks. no advices. no help in studies. it'll feel weird yeah. haha.

12. In what way do you not like 16? the fact that we aren't close anymore.

13. Do you love 6? yes of cos, she's my sister -.-

14. Whats 15's favourite? food ? (:

15. What do you like about 8? she's a strong confident person, definitely. not forgetting her lame, entertaining jokes. hah.

16. Give words that comes to mind when 14 is mentioned. sweet, nice, thoughtful, considerate, improvements, memories.

17. Give lines that comes to mind when 9 is mentioned. SHE'S ONE OF THE MOST LAME PERSON I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE U KNOW U KNOW U KNOW. hahahha but i love her also lah, because she has ther as her wife and i'm just the third party. that's the sad part.

18. Whats 13's favourite? i asked him, he say his favourite is ME. HAHAHAHAH.

19. What was the first impression of 11? anti-social, attitude. hahaha but she's not like that!

20. Is 10 straight? yes , then? -.-

sometimes the higher the expectation, the greater the disappointments. when u think that u have it all, think again. dun take things for granted. and you know, if it's not meant for you, dun be too naive to think it's meant for you. dun be stupid to think u're so important, so great, so valuable. jus shut up and save the shits together with ur face. no next time, or just go kill urself.

you're not all.

jun.

what if i'm gone for good one day and you are not there to watch me leave?

2006-06-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

ignore the what ifs.

okay. so i ended up staying at home the whole day. ~~because sam claims that she has nose cancer.~~ and so i thought i might get shoulder cancer, whoa. so i decided to clear up the study room and the drawers in my room. it's been so long, since i said i wanna clear all the rubbish. thank god i did it today.

anyway, clearing up = massive disposure. one side of the room will become the "i want to keep." the other side will become the dumping ground. and after all the sortings, it's time you hear the tearing-of-the-papers process. what a good way to vent frustration man. u tear up all the papers. and throw them away. like how you dig out all the unhappiness, stab them and get rid of them. nice hmm? (:

the fun part of every cleaning up is that you find things you totally have no impression of. hey, i still have three copies of The Eliasians. and when i find things like such, i take some time and sit down to read, recall the past, smile at the thought of all the memories. then it's all the cards and letters, messages. man, don't i love those cards with long long looonngg messages. yes, i love all the letters/notes/cards which contains long long looonng messages. ahahaha. and up till this very moment, the biggest card i've ever received in my life is the one ther and yi gave to me for my birthday this year! i love that one man. just that it's really too big to be put into the box which i keep all the cards. den i found the disc personality profiling system booklet thingy. i was bored okay, so i did the questions again. man, i changed alot okay. i changed alot. totally stunned by the answers i gave last time, wat the? (: but still, i remain as a C.S.

compliant. correct
personal behaviour: conservative, traditional, neat, calculating, low-keyed, cautious, stable, dependent, systematic, accurate, tantful, diplomatic.

steady. stable.
personal behaviour: conservative, passive, loyal, patient, cooperative, relaxed, possessive, resistant to change, reflective, systematic, deliberate, consistent, steady, predictable.

i'm a precisionist/perfectionist/traditional one.

individuals who are precisionists exhibit a precise, detailed, stable nature. they are systematic thinkers who tend to follow procedures in both personal and business life. they act in a highly tactful, diplomatic fashion and rarely antagonize their associates consciously, taking care to avoid conflict. extremely conscientious, they painstakingly require accuracy in their work and maintain high standards. precisionists like a protected and secure environment with set rules and regulations, and dislike sudden changes. they like people, but prefer having only a few close friends. exactness is of the essence to precisionists, and criticism (their greatest fear) is equated with failure. they can be counted on to carry out tasks correctly. they want exact facts and figures before they will make a decision, and feel uneasy when forced to decide anything quickly. predictability and security are the greatest goals for a precisionist. this is true in all aspects of a precisionist's life, the more stable the environment, the happier they are.

the corrects ; the wrongs.

stable - errrr. i din know i'm stable.

dislike sudden changes - yea man. totally true. i DETEST sudden changes.

they like people, but prefer having only a few close friends - that totally describe me u know. i dun see the point of having so many thousand friends when none's really close to you and understand you well. i dun like shallow friendships:)

their greatest fear/equated with failure - okay, i agree that criticism is somewhat equated with failure cos i think if after doing the work but yet people criticise, it simply means there's room for improvements. not good. but it's so not my greatest fear can. i accept criticisms. welcome(:

they want exact facts and figures - okay. yeah, i'm that kinda how-you-want-me-believe-when-you-cant-prove-to-me person. hah.

the more stable the environment, the happier they are - i think this is crap. who on earth will be happier in a more unstable environment? -.-

i transferred the contents in the secret drawer to a shoe box. new contents for the secret drawer! the shoe box shall be be viewed by Mr John Tay. and after which it will end up in some very nice comfortable place.

after the cleaning up. i came up with a list of things i have to save money for:(

1. whole new set of stationaries. i only have one pathetic pen now.
2. another new set of stationaries for the study room. there's no stationaries in the room.
3. dividers. i cannot stand the messed up state my files are in. i'm systematic.
4. more assessment books. time to work alright.
5. sis's birthday present. 29th of june.
6. father's day. time to thank the ~~naggy~~ great man in the house.
7. all the movies i'm so gonna catch. i dun care whether i starve or die.
8. little whiteboard. to be hang in the study room wall.
9. phone bills. oh man. shit.
10. instant print of pictures. yay! memories to be printed.

i will think of more. HAH. oh i so love the rag fair theme thingy ryan sent me, i dunno why, it gives a nice feeling. and and and rush which sam sent me. the sounds, noises, melodies(:

i dunno why i feel so warm now. i just feel warm -.-

okay, i swear dearjohn is the only person on earth who will say alright with a =) when he's so gonna be punished. HAHAHAHA. FORCE HIM TO WEAR BRA. oh, i keep forgetting to mention this bra joke about john. i dunno how it started but it just started. we began joking about bras. damn lame okay. and it became that john wears bra -.- wat the? HAHA. den it went on to "eh u remember to take off ur bra before u eat okay later ur bra too tight then u vomit out the food." den he was trying to be funny and he asked me "eh, then flat is what size hmm?" "why? u wanna buy new bra rite?" HAHAHA. okay. watever, just some lame jokes that entertained us.

today is a %$$^&%#$%@ boring, exceptionally quiet day.
:'( somehow, it feels totally different from last time. why?

sigh. when u think u had it all, think again.

~~jun.~~

what if one day i'm gone for good, but u're not there to watch me leave?

2006-06-04T11:42:00.000+08:00

this silent image suddenly flash in my floating mind.

what if one day i'm gone for good?

what if one day i'm leaving everyone but you're not there?

will it just end like that?

saddening. i dunno why i thought of this. i'm just wondering. what if. what if.

treasure.

going off to evie's (:

jun.

2006-06-03T12:45:00.000+08:00

if u think it's alright, it is, and will be.

yeah, it's like swallowing a sour apple. swallowing the unhappiness as if there isn't any at all in the first place. but the thing is, ur thinking controls your mood, your actions, your reactions, your happiness. so all you've got to do is to control your thinking. u know? (: there's no point magnifying your unhappiness. ESPECIALLY when u know u bloody hell cant solve the problem. so, minimise it and come to terms with it. if u think it's alright, it is alright, and it will be. ~~since u obviously have no other choice(:~~

going to evie's tmr. yay(:

"SO NOT WORTH MENTIONING." right. so what's worth mentioning? alright, look guys, i'm mentioning smth here in my post. mentioning this smth that the other party thinks it's not worth mentioning. thank you sam, love you man. your bloody cheem english always and the right actions. u know how i felt before that? attacked. i've never felt like that before. attacked. well, never mind. misunderstandings are there for us to clear, not deepen.

"you make time for what you love. the things you care about." yeah. yeah.. true. i dun believe that anybody will find time to go for things which are of no importance to them, i dun believe that anybody will leave people whom they love. i dun, we dun. if you dun want to treasure your things, the people around you. you are so gonna regret when they are gone. i'm telling you this. and watever you thought u have, will all be gone. those wrong things you involved yourself in, those wrong people you believed in will turn out to have no meaning watsoever. think wisely and do the meaningful things in life. treasure those things, treasure the people. before it's too late. ~~and before i die, treasure me.~~

what if you arent' able to share whatever vision I have in the future.What if you can't understand my dreams?What would happen?It is essential to be able to share our dreams,but what if you wouldn't be able to understand mine?

well, i think i'm an un-understanding person when it comes to things i dun believe in, or things that i think makes no sense. but i know it's only right to respect. and like i said, you can't understand, den shut up. you can't respect, then switch off your unhappiness and get lost. otherwise, stay happy, smile. u know. i dun have much to say anyway, it doesnt make a difference. i've no say. and u just ignored what was obviously my unhappiness. why do i value so much when people dun care? it hurts you know, how u want to talk bout smth and address your unhappiness/happiness but the other party just seem so not interested, only caring bout what he/she has to say. well, it hurts. it tells how interesting a person i am. how interesting my stuffs are. ~~jun, you're a bore.~~ that is why i hate to repeat myself. it tells me how interested you are. u know, if it's so boring you dun even want to listen to me properly, i tell you what, dun talk to me. save all the shitty pain. it's not the first time. nth time.

but then again, i tell myself this. i'm telling myself this. u know what's right, you know what's wrong. you know what it is. it is what it is. dun doubt, give trust. many times i find it hard to trust people whose actions tells me otherwise, but then, trust means trust. even though my heart suspects. my actions shows i trust. i do. my thoughts, just wondering(: my silent thoughts. i believe words but actions tells me otherwise. significant or not, your actions tells me so. whether to believe or not, my heart decides so. hold tight, believe in what you believed in. dun let loose. unless the other party says so.

despite the above, sometimes the thing is, you keep assuring the person that he/she is important. but have u ever wonder how assured they are by your words? words. only words.

2e2 chalet was (:
shall talk bout it tmr or smth.
and i'll just have to hold on. despite the difficulty.
these are my silent thoughts. i have my private space too.
for my own thoughts.

love,
jun.

put yourself in my situation. think.

2006-06-02T17:38:00.000+08:00

caffeine addiction.

was carrying the paranoia in me the whole morning, staying in my silent comfort zone.

i refused to exit.

a sudden swing of mood at the later part of the day, i reckon it's no point staying in my comfort zone. i decided to joke.

joking is good, it is, remove the tension.

but joking bout the wrong thing is certainly unbeneficial. it so happened that it slipped my mind again, as always. shit.

i reasoned with myself on the bus, i figured it out.

you can't understand, den shut up.
you can't respect, then switch off your unhappiness and get lost.
otherwise, stay happy, smile.
advice to you, yourself.
you, yourself. jun, you, yourself.

i swear nth's bothering me. it's just swings of mood. ~~in short, pms.~~ i just miss the good old days. days of fun, laughters, joy, smiles, tickles and pokes. sweet messages. not all the irritation, long sad messages, silence, looking away, distractions, misunderstandings.

i've had enough. i dun need all these.

mayb something's bothering you? nth's bothering me, i just want to poke and laugh now. i just want what i want. what u and me want.

so much for trying to lighten the stupid atmosphere, you ruined it, joking bout the wrong things. sucker.

listened to somthing bout you, reminded of the pure happy days again. you know what im talking bout yeah? the pure innocent put-our-heads-together days. well, it's smth we cant have now cos things change and in all cases, it changes the same way. complicated and wrong. saddening rite? becos of me. jinx.

all i want now is what i want(:
i dun like silence.
silence speak a thousand words.
a thousand confusing words.
silence is the universal language of unhappiness.
speak with the joy again, please.

see you on monday hmm? saddening:(

i love the john and the aquarium.

it's time i do smth to get that happiness.

but for now, it's fun with the 2e2'04 gang!

this post is at the expense of my punctuality. oh man.

love,
jun.

hugging the guilt i cry.

2006-06-01T17:50:00.000+08:00

unsaid.

now i'm seated here in the study room, staring into a 20th century computer, listening to this music, smelling the rain, organizing flowing thoughts, feeling the books, enjoying peace.

so many thoughts.

the day before yesterday, i was in the school canteen trying to be emotional and irritating, hah. i saw some lower sec pupils playing captain's ball. they look like kids you know. they look like primary school kids. not trying to say they are all immature looking or what, but the way they ran, jumped, laughed and shouted, they reminded me of little kids. they looked so innocent, so pure, so little. i felt sad upon the thought that we've all lost the innocence in us. we're all no longer kids. we've grown up. we all have that materialistic, attitude, scheming, impure, complicated and sad side of us. we all have. nobody's innocent anymore. kids are kids. that innocent, that pure, that happy, that carefree. they dun care much bout stuffs like their image, or their face, their things, whether their stuffs are branded or not, whether their clothes are trendy enough, whether they are popular in school. they dun care, stuffs like that dun bother them. which is why everyone used to look damn kuku and nerdy or watever when they are in primary school. but when one grows up. you start to care alot bout whether u're well-liked by schoolmates, whether you're popular in school, you start to take note of your image, whether you look good, whether ur clothes are trendy, whether your stuffs are cool enough and the list goes on. we've all changed, over the days, months, years. we all changed. sad though, humans are like that. we tend to change in such a way we become greedy, materialistic, scheming, and whatsoever. how often do we look back and notice the changes in us? changes in what ways? good? or bad? some people, they change so much yet they do not know. when they know, it'd be devastating. depressing.

i was dying to find my old word bank book. yeah, that one i had in primary 5&6. the one Mr. Thiru made us do. that one with over eight hundred words inside. i can't find it. will go look for it later, i'm dying to just take a look at it. time to time, i get reminded of the word bank book and wants to see it. but often, i feel so lazy and shitty to go dig for it. the book brings back loads of memories. primary school memories. primary 5G & 6G will always be part of me. havent seen Mr. Thiru for quite a long time, hope he's alright after the operation. wonder whether he has grown any muscles he claims he will have after two years. he's the most humorous teacher i ever had. the most caring and the most capable teacher. ever. he was the one who united the class. he changed the attitude of the boys, he earned their respect, he gave me the confidence to work hard, he's the main reason why i topped the class throughout the two years, he made me believe i'm capable of good results, he had faith in me. and all of us. from what i can recall, primary school was all fun and happiness. even the most complicated problems then feels so funny now. all our inside jokes, those lessons, the G18/19/20/watever class, the people, the boys, the girls. all the scandals and rumours in school, our private corners, very own classroom, all the fun, joy and closeness. yeah, i guess, all these vanished altogether after graduation. but we still stay together in small groups, we do. me, sam, trish and evie are still the closest friends ever. closer than before. i dunno bout glen and jason, but seems like ethan and jovy are still rather close. for those who vanished from the surface of earth, they remain in our hearts then. glen leaving singapore soon i guess, hope we can have some get-together before he leaves for good. i dun want to think of the day evie leaves, sigh. just two people leaving, but i feel as if the whole group is breaking down totally. well, i dunno. even at sec four, i still think of the primary school days, wishing that i can be in primary school again, in that class with that teacher. again. again. well, no. i just miss them all.

$#%^&^$(*^*$^%%@ u know what happened last night? i was alone in the study room, doing my maths, uploading pictures and i heard this buzzzzzz sound. i was like, eeek wat sound is that it feels rather near. i turned ard to look and guess wat the shit i saw? there was this freaking brainless/irritating/idiotic/disgusting/psychotic/pervertic/fat/ugly/shitty COCKROACH ON MY BACK. that cockroach is bloody huge man i tell you. length of about 4,5 cm, with feelers as long as my finger can. u can imagine how i reacted. i was totally freaked. it scared the daylight out of me lah. eh, wth rite? i was having a peaceful and sane night alone in the study room, being good and trying to do my maths and that retarded creature came from godknowswhere and so stupidly decided to land on the only human being in the room. serve it right, look at what happens when u decide to land on a innocent girl's back when u're such a dirty disgusting creature. you get sprayed/hit/flattened//thrown/squashed/crushed. that's what will happen to you.

but then, my dad totally gave us attitude. my dad is just like that, he's that un-understanding. he always thinks that the whole world is just like him. he expect everybody to think the same way and act the same way as him. my dad, stubborn, inflexible. i admit the way my dad does things is right and beneficial. but everyone has their way of doing things. we all do things differently cos we think differently and we are all of different character. i dunno why my dad always fail to understand that. feeling all disgruntled, i fell silent and went to bathe. i dun like it when my dad behaves like that. i'm his daughter hello? THE SHITTY COCKROACH LANDED ON MY BACK OKAY, wat did he expect me to do? put on a brave front and clamly, in dramatic slow motion use a book to flatten the cockroach, and throw it away after that? when i was in the toilet, i heard my mum saying "even if it's me, i'd be scared too." the moment i hear that, i sort of understood why my dad and mum make such good husband and wife. my mum is the opposite of my dad man, seriously. she's understanding, she puts herself in other people's situation and try to understand how they feel. i think, many times, it's my mum who can make my dad understand, and see the WHOLE PICTURE. he has to understand that not everybody is like him, totally cool bout a cockroach landing on his back. wadever okay, it was just saddening.

wat's more saddening is that he went on to nag at me and my brother bout all the things we put ard the room. our organized chaos, or so we claims. i felt damn frustrated then. some other things added on so i ended up crying in the toilet for what felt like eternity. it was actually just 20minutes. hey, my house toilet is my crying place okay, nowhere else. returned to the study room to pack my bag and went to bed, dad continued nagging, i felt like crying more. forgot wat happened after that, only remembered that i kept waking up throughout the night. quite a few times. woke up at 6am in the morning. read some stuffs, decided to cry again, haha. well, i din decide to cry, it comes naturally of cos. i felt so emotionally unstable then, i guess the only reason i stopped crying was that i had to leave for school.

"i don't need all these. its enough."

the tears flow to follow.

rereading saddens me, bring tears to my eyes. i dun like the gaps in between people. whoever it is. i dun like it. i dunno how to explain this, but it's just that i feel there are gaps in between you and me. those unsaid words, those unexpressed thoughts. nobody knows. god knows. i dunno how many times this thing is gonna return to haunt me, i only know it just did again. when will it ever end? yes, i dun understand, i dun believe, i kicked up a big fuss before, i got angry before, i made decisions bout it before. it's still there. it will forever be there. life, my life.

i haven been behaving normal for the past few days. i'm positive it's my mood. just my mood. that's all, nth else. i'll be fine few days later, i believe. it's just my mood, i'm not like that. i dunno, i just dun feel good. even jokes are serious nowadays. everything is so tensed. where did those days of laughters and joy go to? where are all the smiles and fun? well, i dunno what happened but over time, this is what happens. obviously smth happened and all the happiness evaporated. but the thing is we dunno what happened. so? ~~find out.~~

physics practical and chemistry practical again tomorrow. spare me. practical sessions yesterday were horrible. i was stupid to not know what they meant by "in line with the images of P1 and P2." , totally retarded, dunno how to connect the circuits. chemistry was so drama. i think our class alone broke 2000 test tubes and 2000 white tiles. i was trying to be irritating, overheating the ppt, so in the end it spurted out of the test tube, coloured the white tile yellow. i got a shock can -.- blockhead. and i dunno why, all the questions for chem practical looked so complicated and difficult. i dun want to imagine what's gonna happen during olevels practical. doom.

i sincerely hope the attitude of some people can change man. hello? you bloody hell failed chemistry like shit and u want to complain complain complain bout coming for extra lessons. so what do u want? u want an A1 for olevels chemistry and u want no lessons. carry your big fat dream and drown urself in a puddle please. retards. everybody else attend the additional lessons too, not only you. so shut your complaints to urself cos it's affecting people's mood and you're just being insensible. you dun even spare a thought for the teachers. many of the teachers have a few classes to teach, have the teachers ever complained? do they say stuffs like "i feel so sick man, i dun want to go for lessons." do u hear them saying stuffs like that? do you hear them saying "sian lor, i dun feel like teaching today." if the teachers are putting in so much effort to help us, trying so hard to push us up, what rights do you have to complain? who are you to complain huh? if you get straight A1s, complain all u want, at least it's more reasonable, well, if u're obviously failing every single subject, please shut up and start to change ur attitude. you want to continue like that, congratulations, you're the number one detesable creature on earth for u are insensible, inconsiderate and retarded.

you know what? you like to complain so much, i think you should just go kill yourself, so u dun have to lead this oh so sian so sickening life. go heaven and enjoy, go. that is if u can ever go to heaven. shitty insensible people. some of them even like to blame other people for what they are going through. blame the teacher, blame the government, blame this blame that. i think you should be grateful the teachers are not blaming you, yet u blame them instead. hey if u wanna blame, there's one person u can blame. that shitty face u see when u look into the beautiful mirror. u blame teachers for ur sucky results? why dun u blame urself? we all have to come back for so many lessons purely because our results are totally horrible. it's a fact, face it. the thing is we all did badly, we have no rights to complain bout additional lessons during this holiday. irritating nonsense.

all in all, we shouldn't complain so much bout stuffs like that, want those A1s? shut up bout whatever sian-ness and start working hard. be attentive in class, people. stay focus.

seems like everyone's keeping quiet. mayb i should too hmm.

you know. girls. they get so paranoid over little things. girls especially. girls like me especially. and i know, once the significance slip away, it'll never be back. never. i'm afraid.

u know, the attitude i gave everybody has disastrous effects.
it's not that i dun care anymore.
i'm just frustrated i cant help, and you cant too.
i dun like to think bout the consequences of such.
so i get frustrated.
if you know me well enough, just stick to the impression u have of me.
believe i'm still the jun i used to be.
i assure you i've never changed.
i'm still me.
it's just... my swinging mood.

2e2'06 class chalet tomorrow.
steamboat!
still love the great class 2e2(:

sister, if you're reading this, i have to express my unhappiness bout our brother. gaming should be banned yeah? it's totally no use trying to talk sense into him.

i guess i'm gonna pretend the cookies&cream ice cream is my bf.
i know this is really random, but i love nata de coco man. nata de coco yoghurt is bloody nice!
where is my aquarium huh?
alllllll these breaking down processes.
i really nit a break from the world.
yeah, i dunno you.
why would i ever?
end it all.
there's this sadness in me i can't break away from.
sadness.
so overwhelming i cry.
i'm dying to go and sit outside NLB, when?
feelings so sick now.

love,
jun.

missing the old crowd.

2006-05-30T23:07:00.000+08:00

unexpressed feelings.

i dunno why but i just have to cry. sigh, because of this, because of that. i've been trying/wanting to talk to louis since godknowswhen but i just failed to do so. all of a sudden, i dunno how to express my feelings. i dunno how to say. but you know, everything is in indeed in a mess.

those long messages from john. i copied and saved.

tricia's posts. i re-read and re-read. tagged.

louis's post. he's behaving in this weirdish manner that's so not him. i'm thinking.

sam's sudden night visit. that frustrated face. she deserve better treatment.

dad and mum. usual naggings. i should learn to be more sensible.

spoke to john. tagged trish. finding the mood to talk to louis bout his problems. gonna sms sam, quietly thinking how can i be a better daughter/sister. hope trish is not livid, misunderstandings, then again, i'm disappointed too. l

louis, dun deny that you have problems. keeping quiet and looking happy does not mean that you have no problems. you're just being weird, very not you. ~~like me.~~ alright., mayb the sms u jus sent me implies that you're trying to tell me smth. but then, well, i'm in no mood to ask you yet, being frank here. let me find the feeling first. HAH, wat a weirdo.

sam, if you're reading this. i'm sorry that day i totally gave you attitude, but i guess we were troubled or sianed at the same time. this happens once in every six years i believe. HAHA. well, we shall see whether it's true. till then, we're happy friends(:

dad and mum, i shall act instead of talk. act. actions, not words.

i have this weird weird feeling that i really dunno how to put into words. i think it's time i go think bout it. haha. i'm fine. crying is good. tears relieve stress. ~~try it(:~~

canvas shoes.
fishes.
yellow bike.
stationaries.
guidebooks.
chalet.
bowling.
steamboat.

i think i nit money hmm.

jun.

complicated life.

2006-05-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

tiring thoughts.

just this need to blog right now. alot alot alot of thoughts inside my head.

firstly, i dunno how it started. but seriously, today, the first attitude session between me and sam took place. since when do we give each other attitudes man. since when? i guess it has been such a long time. i guess i was in a really bad mood yeah? i dunno becos of what. i really dunno. just... bad mood. i know sam wasnt feeling good either. things bout this and that. seems like i irritated her somehow. or i really managed to shut her up. so it was a quiet trip from long john silver's all the way to tiong bahru. saddening. but then, it made me think. it made me reflect. the way i talked bout the wrong things at the wrong time. the way sam responded "congratulations lor." trust me man, those two words together formed the most sarcastic and attitude sentence she ever said to me for the past 6 bloody years. 6bloodyyears. well, it left me speechless literally. so i decided to shut up and just shut up. it's fine now. we dun quarrel(:

so wat did i thot of? i thot of how i influenced people. my friends. boyfriend. family. everybody around me. i thot of it all. i realised, i've reached a point of time whereby i'm literally tired and i'm starting to see all the flaws in ppl. even the closest friends i ever had. and i'm starting to hate the way ppl ard me live. how they behave, how they think, how they act, how they respond, their attitude, their thinking, their life, their maturity. i'm not saying i'm mature, i'm perfect or watever. but u know, i think alot. i observe alot. i analyse alot. alot meaning really alot. alot means alot. alot is alot. alot. so when i try to influence ppl to change their thinking and behaviour, i fail obviously, and i get irritated, i get frustrated. "why are all of u like that?" "why cant u change?" "how many times do i have to say before it gets into ur head?" "wat can i do to make u think it the right way?" i can't answer. and i feel helpless. u know, firstly, i see you thinking the wrong way. secondly, i get irritated by the way i feel frustrated bout not being able to help. i do. i thot of each and every one of my friends and the flaws in them. the improvements that can be done. and slowly after thinking of each and everyone of you guys, i thot of myself. i forced myself to do so, cos i know i'm not perfect, i know i have my flaws too. i know wat are them i know, i know. i know. yeah, and so i thot of how i can change myself. i nit time, energy, determination. courage, support, discipline. i have to stop being so unreasonable and irritating. so demanding and not understanding. so ridiculous and stupid. jealous.

eeeeeeeeeek.

well, if u hit the ~~mute~~silent button. it is the silent button itself. it is what it is. i'll remain silent until i see the need to speak again. thus, the secret solution to off the silent mode is to find the need for me to speak again. please do not come and ask me for examples or the meaning of the mentioned solution, if u do so, you're ~~stupidly~~ hitting the irritated button unknowingly. therefore, all u have to do is figure this out yourself, and if u can't. u know what? that's just too bad.

incidents for the past few days have taught me a few things.

1)when u're irritated bout smth when others are enthusiastic bout it. you shut up and act enthusiastic. dun be a bloody wet blanket.

2)if you know you are unreasonable/irritatingfornoparticulargoodreason, just shut up too cos it's seriously no point makine the whole matter worse by giving your ever so retarded comments. dun be such a blockhead.

3)if you're jealous, just shut up also becos there's no point in being jealous bout such lame stuffs, it shows u're have no watever confidence in yourself and you're lousy. i'm like that.

the above three points applies to me also though.

it's saddening that there's this telepathy shit missing between the both of us. u can't read me and i can't read you. you dunno wat i mean and i dunno what u mean. saddening shit. and sometimes, i just shut up about wat i think and watever unhappiness that i have because.. please refer to the above mentioned threepoints. well, for example. you jolly well know i wasnt exactly that happy when u were telling me all the stuffs. i'm so so sorry okay. i know i'm such a let down sometimes, such a wet blanket to your rising confidence. ( i've got a feeling u'll so say it doesnt affect your confidence watever case. ) watever it is. i'm just sorry for the way i act and react sometimes. sorry. then again, today i felt so insignificant. i havent seen your tears. i havent inspired u in any ways. jealous i call it. unreasonable i will describe it as. i dunno why, but those things that i've addressed and spoken to you bout. it seems like you wasnt influence at all. it seems like it din even enter ur mind. it din influence you in any ways. i din helped, i'm insignificant toally. these are the thoughts i'm having. i know it's not the case. but it's the first feeling that reaches me. after saying it so many times, u din really do anything. sometimes u just nodded ur head. you answer "yes. i get it." and stuffs like that. but u never do things like tell me all the changes u decided to make. not after i speak to you. not. it feels like other ppl have more influence to you than me. now that's saddening. really saddening. i dunno why, but i just feel rather unahppy bout it. have this so-im-not-significant-nor-influential-in-your-life-my-words-dun-make-any-difference kinda feeling. sigh. it's literally depressing. yeah, jealous literally. bout stupid lame things like you listen to me and nod nod. but u listen to others then u make drastic changes. am i such a stupid failure my words dun make any stupid difference? well, i dunno, but i think i'm just being unreasonably angry cos i'm not the best kinda shit. i've got to change man. have got to change. jealous irritaing unreasonable idiotic immature girl.

i think i've said too much. i dunno why but my thoughts and views always affect ppl's mood in a negative way. seriously am i of any postitive use in this world? sigh.

sometimes i just think i deserve to be run down by a car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.

yeah. i should end up like that. being run down by car/lorry/tuck/van/motorcycle/bicycle/trishaw/aeroplane/helicopter/mrt/bus/boat/ship/spaceship/whatevervehicleyoucaneverthinkof.

watever man. watever.

goanddie,
jun.

i'm just so sorry.

2006-05-27T19:18:00.000+08:00

now or never.

finally, we're over and done with for the chinese intensive thingy. five whole days of sitting in the hall, fallin aslp on the messy table, listening to long-winded speeches and ~~not forgetting shouting at john asking him to finish his work and slackinglaughingourheadsoff.~~

alright, i so din get to even take a look at my report slip. it has been retained behind. that obviously din help in getting myself up again. but then, wat choice do i have? it's really either now or never. it's either i get up and run now, or i wouldn't have the chance to do so anymore. and when i say now, i really mean now. not tomorrow, not one week later, not one month later. immediate actions have to be taken. yeah i know, disappointment kills. but do we give up like that? do we give up just like that? search your conscience. did u really put in ur best? did u listen up in class all the time? did u do all the work that u were supposed to do? did u study beforehand? or did u just start studying one week before the exams and spend sleepless nights and think that u've done alot and ur best? you know the answers. you do. i do. we all do.

june holidays. time to work real hard. i dun believe in words. i believe in actions. i shall say no more. i will go do it to show. till then, i'll shut my mouth.

going to evie's later to stayover. i'm glad man, it's been so long since we spend quality time together. yea, watched mission impossible III again with sam on wednesday. it was damn kuku, we had second row seats. full house man, still. anyway, now i know how to appreciate nachos and the nice cheese. speaking of that, i'm bloody hungry now. haven eaten breakfast or lunch. i'm starving. i have that i-think-i-can-eat-the-whole-world-now kinda feeling. aha. so where's trish? i wish she's reading this man. haven seen her for so bloody long. hey girl, we're busy too, please find time to meet up with us. many unsaid words if u haven notice. get wat i mean? so many things have happened. i hate it when you are missing from the picture. it has been quite some time u know.

"sighs. jun, are you okeh? i don hear anything from you guys anymore. sometimes, i find it hard too to really find ppl to talk to. i dunno who to turn to. and at the end, the only way i find out will be.. to keep it all inside. and jus let time do its job and let things dissolve somewhere, someday. what's really goin on around me? are you guys really okeh?.. well. all i want to say is that. i love you(: this is something that we won say everyday to each other. "obvious la". ha. and if i really say that, i bet jun will probably give that one-brow-up- and-one-brow-down, huh look. laughs. but ya. i really do(: see this? HEE."

yes ther, i see it hmm. i love ther and yi okay(: and of cos i'm alright. never better. yeah it's quite true that i have my troubles and stuffs. well, who doesnt? i know my posts are getting too troubled sometimes, i know i sound like i'm having major problems, getting my life destroyed. but no. most of the time, those in my posts are stuffs that i dun tell many ppl, stuffs that i cannot only express well in words. happy stuffs, many, but i dun blog bout them. weird eh? i should learn to blog about happy stuffs too(: to ther and yi and any other close friends out there, if u nit somebody to talk to, u may just come to me. esp ther and yi. hello? sometimes i probe and dig but u guys wont say anything. u want me to cut open ur body and read ur heart? aha. u guys have to open up too alright? or else my questions will go unanswered too. sometimes, it's a two sided thing u know. u share i share. if u dun trust me enough to share, i dun see why should i. get it? it's the same as my principle of listening. you dun listen to me, dun expect me to listen to you. ther, i believe u're capable of doing well. everybody is capable of good results. dun stop working, dun give up. once u give up and lose confidence, nothing can help. strive on and put in your best. i'm sure u can acheive wat u want and wat u deserve. it's not too late, definitely. it's never too late. start working right now! hey, this applies to yi too(:

i know my results aren't anywhr near good. but still, i believe i'm working the right way and i'll continue working like that till the end. i won't give up.

~~i sincerely hope the skin is not too ugly for human eyes.~~

before i leave. some recent photos!

should i eat delifrance?
miss potato and NLB.
can we go eat carl's junior again?
gotta run, i'm late.

jun.

love abalone boy(:

2006-05-27T13:04:00.000+08:00

i don think i can make it man.

i don see anything in front of me. right now. im scared. im freakin out. im lost. i don think i can make it. time is really running out. and im seriously feeling. what's that word? i dunnoo. how am i sup to say it? i find what i've been tryin so hard to acheive all these while is totally useless. dumb and hopeless. that's me. that's all i can say bout myself now. i dun see hope. i cant see anything. the road in front of me. it's blurred. can anybody save me? no. no, that's not actually true. He can. yes, He can. ive no idea what i'll see in the months to come man. i need strength to move on... i really do.. haw. everybody's goin thru the same thing as me. yes. so i cant complain. i should jus admit im dumb. yes. ppl worked hard. i worked hard too. yes. some ppl know. but yar. ppl get what they want they wanted. but me? am i sup to say that i din put in any effort at all? am i sup to say that i've not give in my best? am i sup to say that im not pushing myself hard enough? right now. i don know. i've went thru the stress, the worries, the fear, the sleepless nights, thinkin that im not doin enough. ppl say. it's only midyr. it's okeh. don worry. don give yourself too much pressure. relax. you still can try. yes. try. BUT THERE'S NO TIME TO TRY... now im startin to doubt bout really sittin down and pushing myself all over again. because.. they're simply not working. im scared. i really am.. can anybody tell me what am i sup to do?.......

what's really going on around me? am i missin out in other ppl's life? maybe yes. i do. come to think of it. its been long since i hear from ppl. bout their problems. not even you guys. sighs. jun, are you okeh? i don hear anything from you guys anymore. sometimes, i find it hard too to really find ppl to talk to. i dunno who to turn to. and at the end, the only way i find out will be.. to keep it all inside. and jus let time do its job and let things dissolve somewhere, someday. what's really goin on around me? are you guys really okeh?.. well. all i want to say is that. i love you(: this is something that we won say everyday to each other. "obvious la". ha. and if i really say that, i bet jun will probably give that one-brow-up- and-one-brow-down, huh look. laughs. but ya. i really do(: see this? HEE.

im freezin to death alr laaaa. what the helly hell. i cant stand cold can. errs. haha. and wooo. chi o's sam wee and a dunno who person called benjamin will be sittin beside me. pamela and isit gao min will be infront and behind of me. hee. hi mates(: ALL THE BEST PPL! liang yan today said befor we go out of class, " yao zi xiang man man de zou chu qu!" haha. YAO ZI XING MAN MAN (:

ohya.

calv's dong dong. LOL.

<3s,>

2006-05-22T18:54:00.000+08:00

ugly self.

read that sms again. the sms that bothered me for the whole morning. the entire morning. i thought i was gonna die thinking bout it. u know, it's either i die, or i stop thinking bout it. so obviously, i stopped thinking bout it. but that's because i was really really tired and felt sleepy. so i was struggling to stay awake. so it slipped my mind. now, i read it again. then..

yet. wat's the word yet supposed to mean? please dun expect anything from me. i dun guarantee anything and i assure u, one of these days when i cant take it anymore. i'm just gonna heck care and i'm not gonna try anymore and not gonna care anymore. it's not easy at all in the first place. why did i even get myself involved. it felt like i've changed. i detest the feeling of knowing that i've changed. i dun like to know that i've changed and i'm doing things that i dun give a damn about in the past. having taken the first step, it gets more demanding and soul-destroying. it gets more difficult and more uncomfortable. well, like i said. yes, nth can be done, but that doesnt mean i jus sit there and do nth. i'm trying my best ald, for now. i think i really nit a break from all these shits. if not, i'm just gonna explode and shout get lost and i dun care. just like how i wanted to do so today. it's reaching the point where i want to care but i feel so bad that i will do anything just to make myself feel abit better. so in turn i'm jus too tired to carry on trying ald. yeah. so, i nit a break.

contradiction. so what if i think it's wrong? do i have any rights to correct you? and even if i try to do so, will it get into you? can i ever persuade/convince you? no way man. no way. i know it. that is why i dun even try. i dun even intend to say a word bout it, or make any comments bout it. cos i know that even if i do so, it's no use. save my breath and ur frustrations. and so now u sorta expect me to see it for myself? i dunno man. hearing bout it is not that good ald. yeah, i convinced myself last night that i jus have to "go ahead with it, u dun really have a choice" i nit courage for little things like that. mayb im kicking up a big fuss after all. who reacts like me man. nobody does. why am i such a. weirdo.okay, yeah. all i heard bout it, was from sam. mayb u've no idea how much i trust her. but the thing is, i really trust her alot. u can see so from wat i did. it shows that i really trust her. and she has never failed me. she tell me what it is and it really is what she told. she knows how i feel and she agrees with me. i dun have any reasons not to trust her. i know u dun mean that sam's talking rubbish and telling me things that are totally not true. but u know, the way u say it, it feels like that. besides, of cos i've only heard it from her. who else do u expect me to hear it from?

oh, so u dun think that they are totally wrong. so somehow they have some wrongs hmm? u know wat, it's not up to me to say who is rite or who is wrong. who can say the truth? nobody knows what is rite what is wrong. a certain group claims that they are right and they have evidences. another group says they are the ones who is really right and they have their evidences too. come on, who really knows who is right and who is wrong? god knows man. god knows. u can argue and reason. so can others. so when will this end? this will never end. and i'm really asking myself now why did i get myself into this in the first place. it feels like it'snoneofmybusiness kinda thing and i cant even make any comments or wat cos i dun have the rights to do so. i should have shut my gob right from the start. but. too late.

so much for not pressurizing me. u suggested it anyway. u think a suggestion has no impact? a suggestion clearly states and inform, what u want and wat's on ur mind. mayb u dun mean it. but i dunno why u sound like what i did is wrong and stupid. like i should have did it the way u suggested. so it's wrong that i decided i should start with smth comfortable? i know i sound so angry now but the thing is i really dun like the tone of it and the feeling it gave. okay, so ur suggestion is the best and i have to follow? right? and anyway, not doing it ur way is not that i dun trust u. it has nth to do with trust. it's our opinions. our different opinions. above all, i've decided to do it ur way then.

idun like the word pressure. i dunno why so dun ask me. i just dun like it. and the way u use it. it's just like how i dun like century eggs. it's just disliking without a reason. first, i'm not putting pressure on myself. i dun see it as pressure. okay, fine fine. fine. if u want to say pressure. pressure then. pressure. but look, how can there be no pressure? u tell me. this thing doesnt go away. it doesnt just disappear. it's there and it's just there. so what does "please dun put pressure on urself" supposed to mean? u know there's two ways to ensure there's no pressure at all. it's either i break away, or i kill myself. i see it as my responsibility. the more frequent it takes place, the faster i want to solve this problem. i'm not one who cannot take pain or much less say pressure. i'd do anything to solve the bloody problem. it's disturbing and soul-destroying. i dunno wat u actually mean by dun put pressure on myself, so wat to do? sit there and do nth so there wont be pressure on me anymore? no way. it wont happen. no matter what, it will still bother me and the more it bothers me the more anxious i get to settle it. it will just be there. unless this problem is really solved. unless.

alright, thank you very much for telling me that u consulted ur friend bout this bloody problem. i know this is super unreasonable, but the point of telling u is to not hide anything from u. yeah, the unreasonable side of me. nah, see it. i jus dun like it. wait, i'm not saying that u cannot consult ur friend bout ur problems. of cos u can! but i'm telling u how i feel bout it. first, i've always feel like that but it's just that i never say. compliment me for being brave this time. saying this out uncovers such a yucky side of me. so, the way u tell me bout ur friends. yes, they are great, they went thru alot, they are strong, they are nice, they are this, they are that. in the first place, i dun know them. it's okay u know. i'm fine with that. perfectly fine, but u say it so often until i start to really dislike it. eh, so? they are the greatest lah issit? watever they say is right and of cos i have to listen and heed their advices huh? is that the case? so now i'm the idiotic person on earth that's creating trouble hmm? i nit help lah? and thank you also, for telling me that ur friend used the word pressure also. pressure cannot be put on me regarding this matter. do u know that it comes naturally? i so live with it ald. how long has it been? u dunno. u've no idea. u only realise it recently, cos the matter blew up large scale. so u think should find ways to remove the pressure on me? i repeat, it's either i break away or i kill myself.

yeah. i'm like that. watever u want to say about it. u wan to call it unreasonable, u wan to describe me as ambitious, u wan to point at me and swear. it's up to u. i'm like that, no matter what, whether the sky drops or the ground opens up. i just have this i-want-you-to-think-i'm-the-best kinda shit thinking. yeah, i know it's very nonsensical. of cos i'm not the best. i'm just one shallow little kid who's childish and wateverucallit. but u know, it's just in me. i want to feel that i'm important. i'm the MOST important. please dun come and tell me u really place me as the most important, cos ur actions dun tell me so. actually, u can just ignore this paragraph totally. it doesnt make any sense and it's not reasonable of me to be like that. i'm saying jus for the sake of not hiding any thoughts from you.

so much for adding "there's really no pressure on you to do this, i'm jus saying if u wanna try." u know? i'm ALREADY trying. so wat u mean that if i wanna try? so u trying to say that i never try and i'm so not trying? why did i wake early at 7:30am and drag myself out of bed that day feeling so bloody dead. just becos i want to try. trust you? eh, so u saying that if i dun heed ur advices and follow ur suggestion, i'm not trusting you? i know it sounds like i'm twisting ur words, but it's really how i see it u know. it's how i feel. so wat if i see what its like? then wat happens if i still feel the same? or worse, i feel even more terrible? what's gonna happen huh? then, it will be it's either i die or i just die. and thank you so much, the last sentence u wrote take away the pressure on myself. forget the annoyance the word 'pressure' brings. i repeat again. to remove the pressure which always comes naturally. it's either i break away or i kill myself. full stop.

if u think taking the pressure away can be done without breaking away or killing myself. sorry, watever ways u thought of, i guess i'm incapable of doing it. u can say i'm useless/stupid/selfish/retarded/idiotic/troublesome/irritating/unneeded. i will still say sorry i'm incapable of doing things ur way sometimes. that's final. so much for telling me u dun wan any pressure on me bout this. and then u continue to give me suggestions. so the suggestions are jus there for display? suggestions do affect me too. ur suggestions tells me that it's wat u want. it's wat u think and it's wat u think is the best to do. so am i to remove the pressure or am i to go ahead with ur suggestions? ur suggestion itself ald add to the stress. thank you very much. and u know. it's just contradicting how u go on saying "i suggest u....." then "please dun be pressured about this." okay. watever. u know wat? watever. mayb im not making any sense, but it's jus what's on my mind now. whatever.

all in all, thank you very much, u said mentioned the word pressure five times in two smses.

i know all the thank yous are very sarcastic. sorry but it comes to my mind naturally. i type what i think.

thank you man, samanthattengjiayin. thanks for asking this and asking that jus for me. i love u man!

thank you dearjohn for the mars bars and fox's sweets and bun biscuits. hahahahha. yay!

watever,
jun.

complicated world.

2006-05-21T23:56:00.000+08:00

so now i ask myself.

wat exactly am i doing?

the trauma. i'm traumatised. so wat am i supposed to do? okay, mayb i haven seen enough but some things, i cant accept and it means i cant accept. u know, nth else.

sam, i'm telling u i'm traumatised now online and u're just simply not replying me. argh. u know the terror in me hmm. pls come and save me. it feels like u're the only person on earth being able to understand wat i think man. come and talk to me u idiotic moron. pretty.

okay. so the more i know, the more traumatised i get. where's the logic?

wat the,
jun.

2006-05-21T02:10:00.000+08:00

resurface.

it's rather disturbing. how all the problems from everywhr seem to surface so suddenly.

where is tricia man, she has the time to read other ppl's blog and say that they are distanting from her. so wat about me sam and evie hmm? when was the last time evie saw trish? months ago? it felt like years. i read her blog. every single post. i really wonder whether she reads my blog. i know sam and evie doesnt read my blog and my posts. but at least they ask me out every now and then. wat's happening to trish nowadays? sigh.

louis looks sad to me. but ~~buddy~~, i'm rather disturbed too. i tried telling u today when we were standing along angel's hse corridor. it seems like i dunno how to start. never really had a chance to talk to u or even see u online. rmb our conversation stopped halfway? i have this feeling u're upset/bothered bout smth. i've no chance to really ask. and somehow, i hope u will blog again. at least then, i have smth to read bout u.

mum's having operation on tuesday. and wth? the most drama thing ever is that, sam's mother is also going for an op next tuesday. yes, exact same day as my mum. just different hospital. funny eh? we were so shocked upon knowing. i've always have this impression that mum is strong, she's fine. she's okay. but jus now when we were at sakura having dinner, dad sorta told me that i must go and visit mum on tuesday after her operation. i know, i intend to anyway. but he added that ... i couldn't really hear. but i heard smth like my mum's naturally abit scared that she's going for a major operation. naturally. i guess anybody in her shoes would be scared naturally. it's just that she doesnt show it, i suppose. i felt rather bad bout that i dunno y. it seems like she's jus suffering but she's jus taking the pain herself, not showing us. i feel... really rather bad. i really feel very unclear bout the op. i dunno how dangerous it is. they kept assuring me that it's safe and i dun have to worry. but u know, she's gonna remove half of her liver. natural fear. well. well...

i know u're having problems at home nowadays, john. i feel bad too. i feel hurt too. i feel the pain too. not as much as u i know. but i feel it too. i tend to put myself in ur shoes to think. i feel like u when i do that. i noe u dun want me to worry bout u and all. u insisted that things will be fine and it's alright. but the look on ur face and ur reluctance to talk bout it worries me. i felt very tired just now actually. after u hanged up, i looked at u. i was asking "so wat did she say? and wat's gonna happen?" but obviously u din get it. i felt too tired to talk. each word felt so heavy. felt so heavy. so heavy i felt like i couldnt open my mouth to say them. somehow, i forced myself to do so. i was so quiet partly becos i was sorta tired in some sense, also partly becos i felt very bad. i wanted to hold back those tears. i feel erm, useless breaking down in front of u at the point of time when u're going thru some problems too. u know me, my natural reaction during times like this is to stay strong even if i'm obviously not very strong at the moment. so i tried. obviously i couldn't, in the end. the thought of me being weak when u needed help was even more soul-destroying. everything is in a mess, somehow. this, that. little things here. little things there. i would really like to help you. i'm sorry if i cant. i'm sorry if i haven been a really nice companion. i'm sorry if i haven really do my part to get involved in ur life. i'm sorry. it sounds ridiculous but the thing is, i think i nit some courage. i dunno wat kind of shit courage it is. but it is just this certain shit kind of courage. i feel rather broken down nowadays, i really dunno due to wat. i feel like i'm sorta mentally weak. in a way that i myself never even realise it. i dunno why, i dunno cos of wat. mayb it's those times when everything comes together. mayb. sometimes, i have this "i nit attention." kinda thinking. i dunno wat is that about. but i think, as mentioned to u before, it's that "i'm not the most impt anyway." rubbish. u can just ignore it. it feels like u've been keeping some stuffs from me too. wat's bothering u? do not hide anything yeah? frankly, i have no energy to guess wat's on ur mind. do share with me wat's on ur mind. even if its the slightest thing of all. read ur draft intended to be in ted. well, it's not that u cant tell me stuffs going on in church or wat. it's okay. okay? u can tell me anything. but i'm sorry if i look uninterested or i simply make no comments. it's not the case. it's just that.... well, i've explained it to u ald, i hope u really understand. u can still tell me yeah? but i'm sorry if i leave at times due to discomfort. just discomfort. love(':

i'm going to church tomorrow. jun is going to church. wat's happening? it feels so weird. it feels like i'm gonna be an alien tmr. well, i'm not saying going to a church is smth stupid or lame to do. but it's just that. it's weird that i'm going to church. it has been on my mind for such a long time. i decided to do it finally. today, when i felt so lonelyandicantstanditanymore. in any case, it's just smth really weird. u can see so from sam's reaction. all the ohmygods and okaysokays in excited capitals. evie is coming with us too. i'm glad. i miss sam and evie man. jus love their company.

above allllllll. i feel that i've the duty/responsibility to do so many things. clear all the mountains of rubbish inside my room. do my filing. sort everything into proper order. get into study mood. get ready for next week's lessons. accepting this and that. thisandthats. and, just plucking up the courage to do things. jus finding that courage. that courage. courage.

do u think my mind can be free and happy with all these going on and on and on and on in my bloody pea-sized brain? each and every one taking their turn to shoot me down. thank you one and all. i'm part of the world. i've problems. i nit counselling and therapies.

how come history can be so troublesome? u lame ass. dun affect me.

i should return to det. wet the book. keep quiet. write.

i'm just glad i'm meeting sam and evie tmr. when was i ever sad when i'm with them? they never fail to make me laugh. never ever in 6years. never.

happy jex(: sometimes i close myself up to yi and ther too. i dunno, i have that "i can handle this myself." kinda feeling/thinking. and sometimes it's just not really the time to say. like for example, in the middle of the chaotic and noisy canteen in sch during lunch time. how to say? i look forward to the stayover at yi's house man. may it be soon((((:

alright, 2:10am now. it's time to sleep. it's not very nice to sleep during ur first vsit to a church.

why,
jun.

breakdown.

2006-05-19T23:28:00.000+08:00

silent thoughts.

ten oclock now. as planned, i'm supposed to sleep in one hour's time. wat's with me and my fears nowadays. freaky. stupid. lame.

got back all the papers. failed amaths, chem, ss+ history, pure geog, ~~i still dunno whether i passed my bloody HCL.~~

saddening.

alright, shall not go about saying dreams and future without any actions. i hate all those all-talk-no-do ppl. damn lame and no-life. sorry if i've been complaining bout or criticising ppl too much nowadays. rather critical, but i dunno. mayb i'm jus in the moood to criticise, spot all the flaws and magnify them. should do that to myself man. improve. look at MY own flaws. magnify magnify.

sometimes, i look at wat remains and i ask myself. so wat have i done all these while? what have i done? to myself. to others. to others. mayb i did good. mayb i harmed some. i dunno? it's not up to me to judge, actually. but wat i suppose i must do is, make sure i only do good in future. to myeslf. to other. to others(:

angel's birthday party tmr.

so j.e.x went to watch the da vinci code together and bought angel's birthday present. the da vinci code was as expected quality. content, certainly not rich. no excitement. totally different from the book. but jus for the sake that it's the da vinci code, we jus had to watch it, rofl. we were horrified by the silas and his wateverpainisgood practice. that belt thingy. eeeeeeeeeeek. disgusting man. disgusting. i guess, yi was partially traumatised after watching that part, lol. throughout the movie, ther was like "eh, why like that one?" "eh, so that uncle is good or bad one?" hahahha. very ther indeed. then i was like "shhh. wait i want to listen." "errrrrrrrr, i dunno leh." hahaha. yeah, i believe some of those who din read the book cannot understand the movie. understandable. u know, the story itself is rather.... really rather deep and it involves complicated history. let alone the movie when they simply cut away so much proper explanations of wat's happening and wat exactly is this and that, this and that. naturally some ppl wont understand wat's happening and jus who is this and who is that. hahahha. and after the movie we spent like dunno how long searching for thesocalledbestgiftwecanfind for angel. haha. u know, we went into this shop in heeren and left, went in again, left, went back again, left for like COUNTLESS TIMES. we felt so embarrassed we decided not to go back anymore. hahahha. and we really hope angel likes the present eh(:

there are so many bloody problems. i can't stand it man. may happiness be with u guys all(:

and me. and u. and us. and the class. ~~i do ignore my dislikes.~~

i hope gaming dun pull down too much. so many classic examples. so many.

louis and me talks bout the class as if its politics or smth can. funny man. haha.

bye,
jun.

the formation of a new friendship does not demand the destruction of another.

2006-05-17T23:06:00.000+08:00

resume?

today is a nice and casual day, really. reached home and read angels and demons. well, it's been so long since i last had time to actually jus relax and read a book that i wan to read. it's been really so long. movies and books. perfect escape from reality. i get so sucked into the story i literally forget that i still live in this world. so i thot i'm with robert langdon and vittoria vetra somewhr at CERN. sorry if all these doesnt make sense, it's just the story i've been reading(:

yeah, so i jus read for idunrmbhowlong and decided i should get some sleep. so now, i'm awake. wat to do?

oil and water. it's amazing man, i think it's amazing how there are so many ppl in this world, and how they actually all believe different things. how their beliefs can be like oil and water. totally unmixable. but yet, we still all live in this same old planet. i feel so bad, that somehow i cant see the logic behind some religion. but then again, in the first place, i'm not one who values religion. not that i find all religions ridiculous or wat, it's jus like that naturally. i dunno why, i think it's just me. religion is somehow not that impt to me at all. "alright, i think that is really rather ridiculous." or "ppl actually believe this?" thoughts like this really jus add on to my guilt. guilty for being so mentally rude to other ppl's religion. mentally rude. well, that's the main reason i tend to show even more respect when it comes to other ppl's religion. i know that is wat i should do even tho it's not how i naturally react. sigh, oil and water. somehow, have to be together.

results. hmm, okay, so i failed amaths like shit, really. and i passed only physics and emaths so far. i'll fail ss for sure. ~~i still cant figure out how to calculate my HCL marks. i feel so dumb.~~ so i failed chem, my fave subject. so much for wanting to improve. my grades dropped instead. disappointment? what's the point of saying im disappointed im disappointed. what's the point of being sad after getting that f9 or watever. what's the point of self-pity? the thing is, i know i din study well enough, and that's the reason for my poor results, nth more, nth less. and i know that wat i can do is just shut up bout watever disappointment if there is any, and know that i've to really work hard for the following few months. time to pick myself up from all the shits. i feel sick getting poor results too. who doesn't wan to do well? but the thing is, who is really willing to put in the efforts? even if i dun feel like studying, i'll still go ahead and force myself to do so. all for my dreams and future. ah, dreams. future. only i myself can make my future exist. if not, i should jus go and find a puddle. what's the point of living if u jus wan to go ard rotting and having fun and still fun, but yet at the end of the day u feel so empty cos there's no meaning in ur life. no aim, no meaning, no achievements, no pride, no confidence, no dream, no future. u might as well go and contact anti-matter.

besides, all that we're studying arent boring stuffs. they are interesting.

okay, mayb i want to be a physicist in future. ~~i jus passed physics.~~

and i just feel so cheated now. so much for believing u're asleep when u're so not. i feel so bloody cheated. and till now, seems like u still dun understand the explanation i gave bout u-can-sms-me-when-i'm-sleeping-i-wont-die. isnt that difficult to understand? watch out alright, abalone cheats seahorses.

hurrah! going out with ther and yi tmr. it's been so long since we last went out. it's always all the irritating shits like "sian. no money." "sigh, my mum dun allow." and all the watever and watever that's stopping us from going out. and the da vinci code is out tmr. my gosh, im excited. yes, i'm so into movies now i even thot of watching all the movies available. and u know why rite, lol. i literally forget everything when im watching a movie. all that's in my mind will be the movie and really nth else. the movie. the movie. okay yeah i know. money? sad that obviously i dun have the money to afford to watch a movie whenever i feel down or troubled and nits smth to distract me. so this is the time when a book comes in handy. jus sit down to read and get totally engrossed. that will definitely distract me from my on going thoughts of stupid things like oil&water or robert langon on poseidon. no doubt.

robert langdon is so cool, he said smth so me. as in, there's these few lines in the book angels and demons that was said by robert langdon, it was wat i couldnt express. some tiny thoughts that i cant put into words. and i read it off the book before i slept just now. how interesting. ~~i'm still trying to imagine robert langdon in the vent on poseidon~~ weirdo.

u can imagine the look on my face when i saw this today in the sch library.

i think john's not very happy that i kept saying charlie brown is so bloody cute and that robert langdon is so smart and watever watever watever. hahahahaha. but they are not abalones or shark fins or bai tang gao. john is. rofl.

sorry if i had been totally weird/anti-social/quiet/hot-tempered/irritating/disgusting/evil/mean/not understanding/moody/insane, it's just that, i'm.... i dunno. sorry if u hit the mute button in my mind. i'll literally turn mute. i dunno how to explain this, i know it sounds rather nonsensical. it's just me. it's really just me to be like that. either u allowed me to stay quiet for really too long, or u said or did smth that really made me decide to shut up for the rest of the day. literally shut up. not even a word. i find it so irritating at times. i guess u do too. and the thing is, i dunno how to stop being like that. i guess i've to change. turning mute whenever i feel like it is certainly not nice. actually, it's all in the mind. somehow, something, somewhr, tells me "u cant talk and u dun talk." but the good thing is, i know how to stop this behavious of mine. troublesome.

this week's gonne be my last week of relaxing and fun, peace, joy. next week onwards, it's just, war again. feels weird to get all so worked up when everyone else is still partying and having fun, but the thing is, i know i'm really too behind. no time to lose, no time to waste. all for the sake of my dreams and future. sigh. and june holidays wont exactly be like a holiday aft all, i guess. well, i dun mind, our results are really bad. so horrifying that i dunno how to describe it. i think my heart will sink deep into the underground when we get back our ss papers. well, alright, shall not complain anymore. i've no rights to complain or express my whatever depression/disappointments/stress/sadness. blame it on myself for not studying well hmm? (:

connection is retarded today.
mum's op next tuesday.
fox's is my company.
who knows? mayb i'm autistic.
anti-matter. interesting.
annihilation.
angels and demons.
robert langdon.

anyway, john was complaining cos he was obviously jealous that i like robert langdon. so he was reading angels and demons and we got so amused when he read :

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To one of the most ingenious and gifted artists alive, John Langdon, who rose brilliantly to my impossible challange and created the ambigrams for this novel.

well, so john langdon is suppose to be my new love hmm? since there's john and langdon combined. haha, retarded.

anyway, u want a closer look of the cutest book i ever come across? (dun ask me why he look so sad cos obviously i have no idea. )

and, to satisfy my taste buds,

when i drop too deep or feel too down, pls just remind me that i can watch a movie or simply read a book.

mayb i'm the oil. but why mus you be the water?

so much for visiting the blog so often, wanting to read the non-existant entries there. those that i want to read but haven gotten any to read for quite some time. u dun blog for me to read. it just shows how things can change. always, it has been like that. mayb it happens to every other relationships.

love,
jun.

be a part of the phenomenon.

2006-05-16T17:20:00.000+08:00

~~my stomach hurts now man.~~

i dunno how long this is goin to last man.
i totally hate it when this happens.
but.. no.
nice things don always happen.
and truely..
it don always last..
hmm.
"really?" you might be askin.
shrugs. i dunno.
that's what i've always believe it will be.
ah whatever.
i jus simply hate it when this happens because of dunno-what things.
its so tiny.
but fer one reason or another.
it'll turn out BIG.
hmmm.
this is the sucky part.
but..
im quite amazed at how many times things turned out to be okeh..
i don expect it to be this way..
really. i don.
i don have any idea how things simply worked out by itself..
not jus once.
but everytime(:
that's nice.
though its totally painfull and tiring..
sighs.
i dunno how long things will continue to work out by itself..
i really dunno..

i shall continue believing..

2006-05-14T21:14:00.000+08:00

weird.

that gap is weird. it's not jus any other normal gap that form between ppl. it's a GAP. okay, i know i'm talking nonsense. aiyah, just know that there's this bloody gap.

if u were to ask, why do gaps form? well, simple simple. it's because u CHOOSE TO MAKE IT FORM.

eh watever lah, watever okay. wateverwateverwateverwatever. i feel so idunnohowtodescribe. i just feel bad. sad. weird. strange. irritated.

why say nothings bothering when the fact is smth's bothering? wat's the point man, it makes my heart sink even more, knowing that i dunno.

aiya can i jus pretend that there's no sch tmr? i have that i-dun-wan-to-go-to-sch feeling again. sickening.

if u dunno, hello? why dun u ask? u think u sit there and think and the answers will drop down from the sky? oh, funny man. funny. it's not that i dun wan to tell. i know how to prioritise. why interrupt when somebody's telling me his problem? how can i? so obviously i chose to shut up bout wateveruwannaandshouldknowtoo and since then, whr got chance? now that there's a chance u wan to quiet quiet and tell me that u dunno stuffs as if i dun wan to tell u. so how to tell u now that u're all so quiet quiet, it's somehow a signal that tells me u dun wanna talk at all know. i've never blame u for not being there ( it's a fact that i discovered. ) not there so? not that i'm so retarded i cant handle problems myself can. i'm fine alone. i'm really fine like that. happy like that. wat's the problem? wat's the point of drowning urself in self-accusation and self-dislike jus cause of all these? all u can do is improve situations but u're not doing it. i dun wan words. i look at actions. wat's the point of sorrys and i-knows, i dun wan to hear all that. i wan to see ur actions.

sigh, sigh la, sigh, aik, cant find my heart ald, sank too deep.
where are all my personal counsellors man.

watever la,
~~jun.~~

no point talking anymore. what is the point?

2006-05-14T14:55:00.000+08:00

migraine.

alright, this is bloody retarded, but i just feel like that, wat to do? sigh. why am i like that? this is so bloody irritating. i just cannot be more understanding, i cannot be more selfless. okay another one, i'm selfish.

why is the blogger window blue colour now? it feels so weird man. as if my life is not weird enough, the blogger window has to become weird also. ah, wadever man. this is so watever. the headache is making me want to scream and this blogger blue colour box is really ugly such that it irritates me alot. contributing very well to the bad headache im having. ah, watever la. this is so wadever.

wat john said about the positive life and u work towards it thingy makes alot of sense, but u know. i just hate it. dun ask me why. that is the problem now and i cant solve this bloody problem. no its not the headache, it's me. i think i'm being so unfair, so not understanding, so undeserving. i dun deserve. i dunno, i just dun wan to end up ending everything. u know, end everything. hur?

i was cutting this cake jus now with a knife. and wat crossed my mind was "sliting wrist" . alright, im not suicidal. i dunno why, it jus crossed my mind. i'm not saying i thot of cutting myself or wat but seriously, it really jus crossed my mind, argh. or mayb my hand looks like the cake for a second or wat. aiya, wadever.

slept at 3am plus or so on fri nite. wat the hell was i doing when the whole world was probably asleep? i was having this Q&A session with jj and sam. bout wat? history of christianity. hur! it's like so weird. i was like gonna fall aslp and all, head gonna explode and brain gonna drop out and i was asking jj and sam bout christianity and watever things related that i felt like asking. anyway, thanks jj and sam for doing your best in answering my questions. i know i asked questions that are very difficult to answer like "how many people are there in ur church?" and "wat is the difference between a presbyterian church and charismatic church?" haha. demanding weirdo. curious,

alright, i think for those who are deprived of excitements or good movies. there's one thing u can do. either u watch poseidon/mission impossible III or u watch poseidon/ mission impossible III.

okay, correction, its either u watch poseidon/mission impossible III or u continue leading that stupid boring life of yours.

mission impossible III is so cool man. i think it's the best action movie i've ever watched. there is a clear storyline to follow. not like other action movies that i've watched, somehow, the storyline of the movie will disappear and in the end i wont really know wat are the ppl fighting for. mission impossible III is different! haha. and john commented that i look damn stressed up during the movie. well, that's because i got too into the movie lah u see. it took me several minutes aft the movie to totally convince myself that I'M NOT ETHAN HUNT u know. hahahahha. weirdo. aiyah, watever can the movie is just bloody cool. besides, i watched the movie with the weirdest combination of ppl on earth. john and his mum. wth rite? hahahha. i dunno how it happened but it really jus happened, lol.

poseidon was so =////////////// I DUN WAN TO GO NEAR THE SEA ANYMORE! HAHA SO LAME. wat rogue wave seh, jus like that and the whole ship sank. it's scary luh, how the people on poseidon died. and all of them just went to live in the underwater world like that. scary man. scary scary. also, that part whr that guy almost jus went into the propellor thingy. and imagine if he did. SHREDDED INTO PIECES LOR I TELL U. imagine. eeeeek. i dun like the ending tho, i dun wan the father to die jus like that. so saddening can. he just sacrificed himself like that, by swimming to switch off the idiotic properllor thingy. and he jus drowned. and he went knowing that he will drown. sigh, depressing. conor is cute anyway (: haha.

aiyah, this is rather lame. i keep thinking the robert langdon wont be able to survive if he was in poseidon cos u know, that part the group went into the vent. robert langdon is claustrophobic and he'd be too afraid to go in there. this is very lame cos it has no link at all. WHY WILL ROBERT LANGDON BE ON POSEIDON. thanks to john lah, he was so happily telling me that robert langdon wont survive there. evil.

if i have the money i wont mind watching poseidon/mission impossible III again man. and i cant wait to watch the da vinci code!

alright, i slept at three am plus again last nite. wat was i doing? first i was angry and upset that i've got nobody to talk to. then aft that it went on to counselling dearjohn. counselling. some sort of. it pains me to see things like that happen sometimes, i just bear with it and i'm suppose to be strong eh. it feels ~~sad~~weird that the issue earlier on about me disappeared and changed into another one. so wat about the one we were talking bout? not that important aft all? hmm (: anyway, i'm not complaining or wat. just, crossed my mind. wondering thought. and i knew u were ald tired and notveryhappyaftall. so wat could be done to help is to simply shut up and just shut up. why make things worse right. it's like stabbing deeper when u were ald stabbed. it's an irony how i break down and cry when i finally found the reason for me to stay on like that and to accept things nicely. i guess i broke down and cry not because the reason was hard to accept and painful to follow. i reckon i broke down cos it tells that i'm purely retarded and insensitive cos if i had been more sensitive and more understanding, i would have thot of this long ago, instead of dwelling on it. for all this while. weirdo. stupid.

by the way, that rubbish photo u claimed that should be precious to me, i so deleted it away. ha, precious man, precious. in wat way? cos u were like in one third of the photo? ha! i felt weird anyway, that u actually said that, it sorta tells me wat u have been thinking all this while. wat? haha.

oh, sorry if i frightened u, jj. but i was just feeling erm, helpless. and u jus have to be away somemore. ha.

alright, i've this feeling john is not gonna wake up any sooner. but it's good in a way that he's getting the sleep he needs FINALLY. back to shcool tmr! lame post exam activities we're having man. CCA briefing and in-place protection? weirddddddd. dun feel like post exam activities man. sec four life that is. deprived of fun and joy. hahahhaha. oh, and photo-taking eh. ppl, bring along ur ties to sch tmr! ((((((((:

replies to tags!
darren: hello darren. eh ya lor only i posting can so saddening and alone. haha. and u sua gu lor since u dunno wats bai tang gao and u never eat that toufu before haha. SUA GU.

cadence: thanks for the encouragement! haha. exams are over! lol. eh watever lor. i dun have a baby can. jj and john were jus being lame.

vanessa: haha. y u keep telling me u want chocolates. and u keep tagging at hiangling's blog say u want wat gummy bears or watever haha. GO AND BUY URSELF LAH. hahahahaha.

jj: eh, I DUN HAVE A BABY HOR. and still, im not very happy bout u deleting ur blog. hahahah.

aud: thanks! ((((((((((((((: u too.

eileen: hey thanks! i'm fine, hahahhaha. u must stay smiley also okay!

ryan: hey thanks! for ur advices always, u take care too and yeah exams are over. pls relax and have fun ! seeya ard in school, and genuine smile always(:

thanks to everybody who tagged, haha. i promise i will try to tag more at those blogs that i visit everyday. hahahaha. continue tagging, guys! love.

alright, here's some recent photos that i jus feel like posting. i jus feel like posting.

alright, he was just tryin to be lame.

haha. stab you smiley.

aiyah watever lor. john's ugly sandwriting.

that is john when he decided he wants to be a little boy.

sand scratchings.

aiyah, watever la, that's not me can. i dun look so auntie one can.

haha.

look at the sauces. sam insisted on getting all the sauces.

eeeeek.

i love lightsticks(:

sacrificial ah.

(=

eh u know wat is that? it's seahorses footprints can.

note!

that's jjj

haha. eh i like this pic okay!

my love. the sch canteen.

my best friend the calculator and my food the milk!

ah. headache lah, maths. that's linear law can.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

my living room.

if u happen to be curious bout how i look today. i look possesed. but happy.

okay. jus trying to be lame.

today's mother's day. eh, i still think my mum is the best(:

anyway, belle is gonna leave and wont return. i'm depressed can. sigh. she's the cutest baby i've ever met. sighhhh. and my bro's exams starting tmr and sam's starting jus few days ago. slow can, aha. we're ald having our post exam activities tmr. oh. ~~and mum's operation is really soon. saddening.~~

hunggggggggggggry.
i want fooooooooooood.
whr's my yellow bike?
i think i want to sleep.

john is still sleeping.
i dunno how to say.
then again, it feels so rude.
aiyah, life of a weirdo.

shoulder aches.
and the headache was terrible.
i so felt like vomiting can.
migraine.

alright, i think john jus woke up. and he's stuck to the bed HAHAHAHA.

i'm gonna watch all the tv shows today. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

love,
jun.

i'm disappointed yeah.

2006-05-11T08:05:00.000+08:00

sigh.

aiya, wat are the reasons for world war 4? it's jus inevitable. i dunno wat i want man. i think i should go to the beach and drown myself, haha.

return to those old days of being lost. depression.

hey, it's all quite weird. it happens somehow without a cause. alright, i'm not saying there's no cause totally. but seriously, i can't see the cause of it. then i'll go back to the "aiya it's jus u, u're the bloody problem" thing. okay okay, so wat is my problem? irritating lor. i dunno y i'm such a... proud one. stubborn? arrogent. i just want to hear things i wanna hear. when i hear those i dun wan to hear, i get angry, i get upset. eeeeeeeek.

so now when i nit ppl, argh, i dunno how to say. dun u find it weird? it's just like, how u always wait for a certain bus but it jus refuses to come, and when u dun want to take that bus, it keeps coming. now, i'm going thru the period such that i'm waiting for the bus, but seems like the buses there jus dun realise i'm waiting for it to come. and so, they dun come. and i go ard still waiting for the bus. haiya, weirdo.

i think something has to be done. transformation is so needed. yeah.

but for now, i'm just so upset bout how things turn out to be like that. why?

all because of me and my stupidity. haha.

sian,
jun.

silent night walk.

2006-05-11T01:17:00.000+08:00

i'm a jealous person.

wonder why i behave like that. i think i'm the only person in this whole wide world who thinks so much bout why she thinks like that. jus, why? confusing stuffs. i think it's just all me. me and me and me andmeandmeandme.

well.

sometimes it's weird how u go and destory ur own dream and den regret shortly after. weird eh? how u say yes but actually u meant no. how u look okay but in fact, is not anywhr near fine. how you sacrifice in such a stupid way, only to cause urself pain and unhappiness. weirdo.

i think i'm tired. panda eyes, eeeeek. last day of exams tomorrow. hurrah. return to normal life, return to hold that kinda fighting spirits, return to lead some sort of.... sacrificial life. return.

soon ;D

in the meantime, rest. sleep. boredom. rot.

eh, it's quite contradicting the way u want me to go to you but u dun want to talk bout it. so wat am i supposed to say? nothing? den wat's the point of going to you if that's the case.

sigh. i jus feel so sad bout all this suddenly. sigh.

i love nata de coco. and fox's (:
where's my yellow bike?

sleeeeepy,
jun.

oh. now i remember. rome.

2006-05-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

blogger is weird today. down.

this is so watever. i jus nit counselling and enlightenment thats all. somehow the =) tells me smth. mayb u've experienced it before. i dunno. i feel like im one of them actually. it feels weird yet so real. weirdo.

me. my problem. and i.

i've so many eeeeeek, disgusting side of me that i think im rejecting myself. weirdo.

jj deleted his blog. *depressssssssssed*

i have to pick on john. dunno whether issit becos he's too understanding or he's jus too nice to me. $#%%&$%@## watever la, its jus another disgusting side of me. and he somehow likes to leave aft being so nice. he jus dun get the fact that he's needed somehow.

i wan to eat jelly.
yellow bike.

all when u choose to keep quiet too.
jun.

now i realise. haha, but i dun dare to mention it. somehow.

2006-05-07T04:50:00.000+08:00

ok.

this is like very so watever kind thing. supposedly sleeping time have transformed into some kinda quarrel/debate/argument/reasoning with dearjohn on msn -.-

seriously sometimes i dun get how he thinks man. it's like i have ald said so many bloody things to express my current state. DEN HE WILL TELL ME SOME #%*^(*&$^# WHICH SHOWS HE DUN UNDERSTAND WAT I'VE JUS SAID. TSSSSSSSSSSSSSK. JOHN U DUN GET IT. UDUNGETITUDUNGETITUDUNGETIT. argh. mus i publish it here to make u understand that im happy with life now? -.- alright. listen up everybody, im happy with life but i dun get why john wants to believe im unhappy with life and i dunno whr the &$*&^*&$%% he gets evidence which shows im unhappy with life -.- why is he so auntie and pessimistic eh? hur.

then the funny thing is he says things so seriously suddenly such that i find it FUNNY. hahahahah HILARIOUS OKAY.

"i admit we both have issues we need to address."
HAHAHHA that is so political sounding. ahahhaha R O F L TO DEATH.

its quite weird there he is being so serious in talking and here i am laughing abt his political tone. weirdo. however, no matter wat i must give him credit for the sense of calmness and understanding he shows in such situations that i totally purposely give angry tone. i dunno okay, its jus so amazing, how he still talks in that "it's alright, i understand, im sorry dun misunderstand." kinda calm calm tone as if he's talking to some mentally unstable insane women when obviously im so not. the level of understand he shows totally make me speechless man. i really wonder wat can make him angry, hahahaha. i think i will like "yayyy. finally he's angry" when he gets angry one day. like wow so rare can im experiencing miracle. hahahaha. rofl, he's just so funny can.

John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
i'm not sure if you still want to meet me tmr?
John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
i'll be at the tamp inter mac
John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
i'll wait there
John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
from 8 to 12

why must he make it so drama i dun get it, and its so funny hahahaha. like those drama shows u know u know. bu jian bu san that kinda rubbish, ROFL. so funnnnnny! ahahhaha. okay, i hope he dun get angry such that i publish his sayings and make it sound so funny. but then again, if he gets angry, IT'S MIRACLE OKAY. HAHAHA.

John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
since it'd be diff to study while standing,from twelve onwards i'll wait at a more logical place where i can sit and study with my materials properly
John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
you go sleep now okay if you don't wanna say anything anymore

wa lao, i cant stand it lor. he make it like its some kinda report or wat. ahahahha, so serious yet so hilarious.

John the Baby Old Man And The Bad Bad Fountains says:
(that is if you're still willing to turn up tmr)

*roll eyes* he's so watever lor. i never even quarrel with him or wat. hahahaha, if it's a quarrel i wont be even typing this now man. i'd be so heck-care-bout-life-cos-its-irritaing that i'd jus go to bed. hahahaha. dearjohn, he's leading a stressful life and he's too tensed up. i think he nits therapy and he should destress by riding seahorses. ahahahahah!

me and my weird suggestions. but then again, HOW CAN RIDE ON SEAHORSES. they are the royalty of underwater world okay. ahahahha. weirdo.

anyway his typos also bloody weird and lame. "beiong" hahaha. "if it means me beiong unhappy." HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. try pronouncing it.

memorable times. those bloody conversations held in that little msn window. ( cos my font is red ;D )

shoulder aches killing me:(

lack of sleep luh, dies.

yawn,
jun.

aik. time, 5:17am(:

2006-05-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

i cant believe i'm silently unhappy about this shit.

i'm damanding. unreasonable. selfish.

ah. flaws flaws.

imperfections.

try imagining the amt of energy and efforts i put in to hide all these disgusting sides of me. alot. cos i've too many disgusting sides u see. but again, used to it, i've always managed to surpress these idiotic behaviours of mine and hide them from people. otherwise, haha, i dunno wat will happen. or what could have happened. so many times, so many incidents, imagine if i din manage to control myself. imagine. disastrous.

i'm talking in this weird, unenthusiastic manner. wonder whether u noticed it. hmm.

geog studying is interesting eh. know wat is oil formed from? remains of dead sea animals. yucks right. oil, eeeeeeeeeeeeek.

it's interesting how i fall so deeply in love with all the subjects. chem, physics and now even puregeog. ahahaha, i dun care i fail or wat. they are my favourite subjects. okay, dun forget history. i've been interested in history since godknowswhenlowersecondarytimes. all the past of the world. all the facts and wars. always never fail to interest me. and despite all the failures i've encountered in physic and chem esp, i still love them as impt subjects.

okay. so much for relying on others and having companies. i dunno wat is this world turning into. all the talkings and conversations i have had today in any stupid forms have killed my mood and desires to blog abt happy stuffs. how to blog abt happy stuffs when nothing's happy today? i really badly nit help in any form. but i realy dunno why, its all those people whom i go to thinking i can get help from, but they just shoot me back with suprises and the "ireallycanthelpyou" attitude. i dun like to be the one telling and teaching. why cant i be the one asking and getting help for once. i'm seriously tired of doing things and doing things. why can't people do things for me for once. i'm tired. and those disappoinments and anger jus kills me. i dun nit all these at all.

yeah, mayb u will want to say, i cant rely on people all the time, i must learn to stand on my own and i cant expect people to be there for me all the time and i shouldn't have high expectations of people as if they are god and they know everything. but the thing is, i really dun know why, but each time i really really nit answers, nobody can answer me. each time i really really nit somebody to listen to my troubles, but nobody is there to hear me. each time i breakdown and cry, nobody is really there to wipe away my tears. each and every time. i know its "each and every time" becos it has been each and every time such that over a period of time (by now) i've realised it. it's happening to me. i think i'm standing on my own too much and being so independent in some areas till the extent that i'm getting tired. sometimes, all i nit is somebody whom i can lean on. and this somebody has to be somebody whom i see the reasons why i can lean on him/her of cos. if u're some dependent and incapable freak, u expect me to lean on you and put all the load on you? okay, dream of that.

i'm talking too much sad stuffs in life.

louis, if u think i'm so talking bout u only. no. please be smart as u are, to identify those parts meant for you. however, i've this strong feeling u are looking at the wrong part. watever okay. watever. i'm lazy to explain. lazy. however, i do recognise ur efforts and stuffs, tho sometimes u do make things way too demoralising for me. yeah, u do care la, i jus cant ways to appreciate ur way of caring. sometimes that is. sometimes.

i dunno. i'm just unhappy. i'm not as understanding as i seem to be. i dun say anything but that doesnt mean i'm okay with everything u say and do. it's just that i never bring up my unhappiness as a topic. dun wan to. but i've this feeling i can no longer contain it. soon. jus soon. explosion will take place.

i dun want to think bout all these anymore. kill my mood and demoralise me. so much for asking questions and having companies. wat companies. wat answers. i dun seem to get any. shall go drown myself in the sea of geog topics. at least all the notes and books answer my questions. and they dun disappoint me at all. at all. aren't they nice(:

elections. ah. interesting.

wateverla,
jun.

u dun understand at all.

2006-05-06T12:48:00.000+08:00

alright.

will all those smart people please stop acting dumb. i go to everybody's blog and see stuffs like "i'm so gonna die for every paper." and "this midyr is so screwed up totally." yeah, stuffs like that. oh please, i assure you these are the people who will pass with flying colours. as always. and like dearjohn said, in the end, only people like US, will say that we're gonna fail and really really go and fail. and the rest who said that they so confirm fail the papers will end up passing. ah. these people. smart yet pessimistic, whereas people like me, not smart but smart enough to know i will fail the papers. er.

OKAY. finally got to sleep and guess how long i slept?

T H I R T E E N H O U R S.

tsk. wat a pig. haha, yeah, i slept thirteen hours straight. man, i thot i was glued to the bed or wat, just couldn't get up. hahahahaa, weirdo. okay, went to pasir ris park with john ytd. fell aslp there -.- evidence of my lack of sleep. hee. guess john was like bored when i fell aslp, haha. after my sleeping which was a total waste of time, we decided to go and take a close look at the waters. haha. yay, scratch the sand. we wrote stuffs on the sand, blabla, drew faces. aft that john decided to be a little boy so he went to climb the spider web thingy. and he so looked like a little boy lah. haha, that wheeimalittleboy look. and i dunno why he likes to do those funny funny actions and go through those very so tiny space in the web as if his very small, haha.

fun times. more aft the exams.

i miss NLB and the redblack cloths which are no longer there:(

do u think i can like ask john to take a ladder climb up and attach the redblack cloths onto the ceiling? okay, i know nobody knows wat i'm talking bout. unless u've by chance, visited the NLB during a period of time between the end of feb and march. it's gone now. aiya, i'm just being weird. weirdo.

poseidon! and presents-buying. when when.

i badly nit time to do alot of things. alot alot alot alot. ALOT.

anyway, this is to louis. i hope ur name is big enough to catch ur attention. firstly, u misunderstood the meaning of my previous previous post. the ss paper has nth to do with the people i'm talking bout. no link at all. also, i did explained that it's not all becos of the ss paper. quote "the tears shed were not for the screwed up ss paper, they escaped for relief purpose." naturally there's disappointment when things liddat happen. u're not the one who handed in zero SEQ. and u've no idea how impt midyear exams are to me. u've no idea how and in wat ways will it affect me. i dun WHINE. i believe there's a need for me to express my disappointments of the happenings recently. it's not the ss paper only so simple. it's not that simple. hey, u wont fail maths paper or physics paper. i'm failing ss paper and most probably maths papers. u dun understand that feeling inside me, u've never experience it before okay. yeah, wad's the point of saying all these now that everything is over right? so. i shall not say anymore then. no more lor. aik, i'm just too lazy to reply or click on the unblock button. u dunno wat i mean by lazy yeah. but watever la, i'm jus simply too lazy to do stuffs liddat ald. byebye. study study. scribbles.

oooooooooo. gotta study hard hard for geog paper and belovedchem(:

love,
jun.

if all these end up screwed, it means i'll have to work even harder. i hold limitless faith.

2006-05-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

alright. sorry dearjohn. i'm off to bed. weirdo.

i'll just wake at some unearthly time to study. these are just moments when even i myself cannot comprehand my own thinking and behaviour. i just do wat i feel like doing. wat's the point of thinking so much? u still screw up in the end. u get exhausted in the end. no point no meaning. ah.

i'm just too lazy to pick up the hp and type a reply. sorry:(
u do know wat i mean by lazy. u may go back to sleep after all the movements and activities in ur lil cosy room. may you sleep well hmm.

yawn.

love,
jun.

2006-05-05T20:14:00.000+08:00

breakdown.

i dunno how to explain this. but i've experienced the wat ifs in life. just today. wat if the only questions u studied for ss so dun wan to appear in the paper? u end up handing in only the source-based questions. the amount of disappointment assembled in me goes unnoticed. i've no idea why, but somehow, it escaped just now. during those lil moments when no matter wat i do, i just cannot connect to the world. somehow, it has always been like that recently. weird.

so much for studying all the way till 2am in the morning. idiots like me who try to act smart and study only one chapter out of all the other chapters, end up really helpless during the paper. and wat can be more idiotic, others can at least produce some paragraphs, but yet i can't. i should go look for a puddle. this is the consequences of wat ifs. so it happened to me today, well, lesson learnt. dun try to act smart and predict wat questions will come out for the paper, if u so badly nit to act smart, pls act smart enough to choose the right questions at least, or else, when the worst happens, just spit at urself and go home and cry. and serve u right.

then again, lack of time.

yeah, if given the time, i would have studied the other chapters too. thus, it all goes down to my failure as a whole. so much for wanting to revise for the exams since weeks ago. useless shit, look at what happened in the end. and, the world is just unfair. when can there be justice and fairness. i can't comprehand.

alright, enough of the failures and shits and ~~ireallyjustallowedtearstorolldownmycheeks~~ disappointments. basically, i'm fine and well. still mentally stable and fit(: the tears shed were not for the screwed up ss paper, they escaped for relief purpose. to let out that discomfort within me. otherwise, i'll just bottle them up and explode one of these days. so it's somewhat a good thing that those tears were shed. destress session alone by myself. somehow, the disappointment was just too much for me. i cannot take disappointments. but then again, it is from all the disappointments that i learn to stand up and fight. if i didn't fall, if i didn't fail, i wont feel the pain enough to know that i have to work hard. thus, i dun get why there are some people who just fall and fall and yet keep falling, but still, they dun learn, they dun stand up and start to fight. i dunno wat goes on inside the mind of these people, they know the number of times they've failed. they know they are way way behind. they know they're almost to the hopeless extreme, they know they have to work hard. but still, all they do is sit there and wait for their next fall to take place. stupid people, u dun even try. i dun see the meaning of ur life. my say is, if u wanna continue leading ur life liddat, having this kinda attitude, wat u can do is,

g o f i n d a p u d d l e(:

u have no life at all.

shoulder aches. again. sigh.

once again, i ask myself, just wat do i work for? the results? the process? the glory? i'm pondering over this. i'm searching for the answer. one day. wait then.

yes, all i have to do now is go to the rescue of my geog and belovedchem. i dun care whether i fail chem or wat, it's my favourite subject no matter what. and physics is my new love too(: and i guess, after the crying just now, the terror of today's ss paper will only return to haunt me when we receive our papers. till then.

i think i nit therapy. weirdo.
11thmay. dreammmmm.
12thmay. funnnnnnnnnn ;D

okay. i'm hungry(:

*gobbles*

tired,
jun.

whr is john again?

2006-05-01T09:55:00.000+08:00

vomit out those words within.

alright, a lil post while i wait for dearjohn to reach my house, or at least reply my sms. was blog hopping and suddenly thot of reading somebody's blog. its jus this one random person, nth special. i jus thot of reading this person's blog. so i read(:

well, wat was written in the blog. is exactly the same as my thots. my opinions. mdm suriadi spoke to us on thursday after lessons. she said that she want a bonded fourNurture. a class with people interacting with each other, not keeping to themselves all the time. i think it's understood that all of us have our own cliques and friends. but recently, i've come to realise that our class... how to put it? i jus think we should and can be more bonded. and people, everybody, should be more participative and interactive. am i using the right words? haha. i like those little little conversations here and there. those random people. i just wish everybody will open up and talk to everybody else. wad's the point of having a class if we all just stick to our own friends and stay comfortable in our own cliques? get wat i mean? last time, some classmates jus feel so alien to me. somehow i feel like they are from another world totally different. haha, oh i'm a weirdo. have gotten the chance to know these people better nowadays, and i realised that they are all nice people. nice people to talk to, nice classmates. they are not the aliens. i am(: often, people jus dun wan to step out of their comfort zone. they stay the way they are, they dun wan to change, and as a result, they dun get to know people, and people dun get to know them either. reminds me of the fact that i myself dun like small talks. ah, small talks. i dun like them abit, haha, so if u are some random people happen to be talking to me and u feel that i'm rather uncomfortable or awkward, hee, it's just me(: mayb i should try to break my comfortable shell and learn the art of small talks -.- haha.

exams. ah.

i have this feeling inside me, telling me that ohh, most probably u jus wont do well. i hate that so much. i think it has smth to do with confidence. also, i havent been studying well. all the little failures and processes here and there for the past few weeks are wearing me out. shit, i intended to study for midyear WEEKS ago. ( so i cant understand those people who realise that exams are coming like the week before. ) but all the tests, homeworks and the tiredness. i'm just falling lah. i dunno why, i think the tiredness of everything wears my determination away. well, its not as bad as it seems, but it's just bad. that i'm feeling so tired i dun feel like studying anymore. it's sad too, how i sorta want to start my revisions weeks ago, but nth is done in the end. i think i dun have the rights to point my fingers at others and criticise. alright, wait till i get good results, then i criticise. okay? HAHA. in the mean time, midyr will be another learning experience. might jolly well be another failure of mine, but, no failures, only learning experiences(: i know, like how john said, that we most probably wont do well for this exam, cos the fact is we dun have enough time to study. a fact is a fact. but like i said before, all i wan now is improvements. at least, improvements. if my results improve at least abit, i'll naturally feel more motivated to study more. it's all that i hope for now, really. improvements. wat we sow we reap, that's wat i hear so often. yes, we work, we get the results. we sit here and remain stagnant, the results will tell too. i'm just afraid, i dun wan that kinda lousy results again. i dun want. it reflects so badly on wat kinda person i am and wat i've been doing. ah.

i dun understand the feeling i get when i look at my coordinate geometry and linear law test. for like how long, this is the first time i passed my maths test with human results(((((((: i dun understand people who gets single digit results. but the feeling i get is, did i really do it? haha that kinda thing. it's so hard to believe i improved and produced reasonable results. it's so hard to believe. like a dream come true. well, i guess i'm mental now. have been too into working and working and tired and tired for the past dunno how many years until i dunno how to react when i get the results. it's just, too much working and too little results- getting. bad for health, haha.

alright, in the end, this supposedly little post turned into a long post. thanks to dearjohn who insists on buying bai tang gao on his way here WHEN HE DUN EVEN KNOW WAT IS THAT. wad a waste of time, haha. is bai tang gao such a unknown thing? how come he dunno wat is that? i find it amazing that somtimes, john seems to know alot of things of the world that i dunno. but yet, sometimes he jus suddenly look so suagu. so he dunno wat's bai tang gao =/ and he never eat chou dou fu before. is that sua gu? hahaha. okay, shall not spend time discussing whether john's sua gu anot. ~~cos the fact is he is sua gu~~

maths will become my best friend sooner or later. jus wait.

i love the calculator and those lovely stationaries(:

off to wooooooooorrrrrrrrrk!

striving,
jun.

ah. are u regretting?

2006-04-27T21:46:00.000+08:00

i'm depressed. so much for destressing, and that sense of achievement and usefulness.

click. there it goes; gone.

jun.

whr's john?

2006-04-24T21:29:00.000+08:00

silent thoughts.

well, today sucked. very deeply.

the problem is with me. i dunno wat's wrong. i'm starting to detest the world. i'm seeing too much of the negative side of the world. i'm seeing all the corruptions and downs of the world. i'm sorry. i think i nit therapy. and i'm hopeless.

english paper one i totally screwed up. the letter writing was okay. but the composition was idunnohowtosay. the worst of all. i felt like tearing the paper up and throwing it away. i wanted to. i wonder whether i even reach 350 words, it was of zero content and all the idunnowatiwriting kinda of stuffs. god, i felt so down. and yeah, so "u've changed, not as focussed as before." fancy reading this right before english paper one. a comment from my english teacher. i nit trust and encouragement. during the break, john called, yuan called, ther called. i felt... i dunno how to describe. i wanted to run away from the world during that time. well(: saw some stupid ppl walking ard, recalled some bad experiences. told myself, no way u let history repeat. u'll rot in hell if u do.

i folded the english question paper and said silently.

"you're such a vacuum."

wanted to tear at the beginning of chinese paper one. wiped those liquid off my eyes, i imagined this happening so many times now that it's coming true, i got so scared. chinese paper one was okay actually. but i felt sleepy when writing the compo and i sat there for godknowshowbloodylong and stared at the paper. cos i was semi-consious, thank god i woke, somehow, den continued. almost couldnt finish the paper, bloody hell. i think i deserve to die and rot and evaporate off the surface of earth. paper one and it's liddat ald, wat's gonna happen to paper two and all the other papers? god save me from this crazy world.

so much for pretending as if nothing happened. it was a total failure. times like this, i care too much until i reach the point which i dun wan to care anymore. i try so hard until i really dun wan to try any bit anymore. tired? yeah, of this corrupted life. i think i'm way too critical and serious. i cant stop finding faults in people. all i want to do is criticise and ppl to listen to all my critisisms. wat is wrong with me?

i dunno why and the cause, but i've changed in such a way im so over arrogent now. yeah, arrogent is the word. i'm arrogent. and stupid, and irritating and critical. UNREASONABLE. i think i'm right. i think i'm the greatest. i think i have the most correct thinking in the world. i think ppl should follow my way and thinking. i so dun wan to believe that this is me, myself. ahh. i changed so greatly i'm rejecting myself now. weirdo.

i'm sorry i'm not at all a good company. i know i'm super demanding. i know i expect alot and way too much. i know im too fussy, too unreasonable. i know its all my fault. i'm so lost in this world i dun want to carry on. today, i looked at all the teachers, and i ask myself. wat so i work for? who? wat? myself? others? success? glory? victory? wat issit? times like this, the tighter my grip, the faster i let go.

i'm tired.

realise i dun say i'm tired unless i mean physical tiredness? i dun say im mentally tired. i dun say it out. once i do, i cry. i feel like crying now. i admit i'm tired. very. times like this, i do too much until i dun wan to do anymore. i think i dun deserve anything. many times i just do things my way even though i know it hurt others. its because i dun wan to care anymore. i care too much i'm going crazy. i think of so many things i'm breaking down. i nit some let out. i nit to cry. i nit to scream. i nit to laugh. i nit to sleep. i nit to... jus stare and do nth.

all the result of stress and stress alone. too many things happening at one time, i dunno wat to do. i let myself do wrong things, i let myself repeat the mistakes i once committed. i saw this part of the past i felt so scared and paranoid. am i thinking too much? am i too serious? i nit an answer.

all for the sake of not affecting anyone and jus anyone. in the end, it affected the whole entire shitty world. i dunno wat im doing nowadays. i think i'm hopeless. gone case, so dun attempt to save me. may i jus dissolve into thin air. the world has got enough destructions and hopeless ppl ald. i think i dun deserve. all the care, attention and love i get. i dun. all i do is find faults in ppl, demand demand demand. i dunno wat else i want. i dunno wat i want at all. i've reached this point that i dunno wat i wan and i dunno wat's the stupid point of doing things. i'm just sorry, from the beginning of this all, i noe its all my fault. but i jus let myself carry on all these wrongdoings without knowing why. why dun i jus stop myself?

if i hate it so much when ppl say "huh". i should be deaf for the rest of my life. if i dun like to repeat myself, and i wan to ignore ppl when they ask questions that i find stupid, i should be muted for the rest of my life. if i'm so bloody tired i have to complain and cry, i should... u know, put myself to sleep.

never to wake again.

yeah, have been crying these few days. tears.

from the point tears rowed down my cheeks when i sat down to read my history file. from that point onwards, i sense the intense stress within me. i cried and i dun even know wat for am i crying. it was jus those ihavetocryitoutcositssuperuncomfortable moments. more to come. jus wait.

i looked at miss morni today and i told myeslf i deserve to be thrown off the building.

alright, i think i've said so much. so much i dun wan to say anymore.

~~tired.~~

off to murder myself.

bye,
jun.

tell the theory behind all the discomfort within me.

2006-04-21T21:05:00.000+08:00

accumulative shits.

ahh. okay, mayb i jus lied. i AM feeling stressed up. but no, i'm not unapproachable just becos i'm stressed up. as long as i'm still sane and walking around, u guys can approach me abt anything and everything(:

oh wth. so midyear is next next week. well, i've thot of all the possible end results. it's either this, or that. i'm mentally, physically and emotionally prepared for it all. watever that comes. yeah, i dun yearn for complete success anymore. slightly impossible. now all i want to do is to put in my best, and achieve maximum improvement. yea, improvement is the word(: even if i dun do exceptionally well, which i wished for, at least i do my best for this time and make improvements. at least i dun slide backwards or remain stagnant. yeah, i'll be disappointed if i dun achieve wat i aimed for, but at least improving is better than noughts. and, once again, it's been proven that time jus, dun wait for anybody.

had 2.4km run yesterday. well, my last "sprint" was thanks to nurimen. OKAY, it wasnt anything like a sprint mayb, cos i was ald gonna vomit anytime. but it was at least an increase in speed and energy. when i was reaching the end point, he told me to run together with him, and of cos he was running fast. yeah, i ran together with him. till the end. i found it rather, amazing. wat puzzled me was whr did that energy come from? u know, i was really tired at the end of the 2.4km run. i wanted to vomit out all my organs okay. HAHA. eeek. so? proven. encouragement and company as such, do help(: it was a little act of encouragement, but it made a difference. that was an example of how wonderful enrouragements and companies are. dearjohn, u dun have to do anything to lighten my burden(: ur company acts as a form of encouragement. and that is all i nit, actually.

~~it will be over soon.~~

shoulder aches again. stupid burning pain.

life is getting way too wearisome. i dun feel like eating and i cant fall aslp even when i'm so bloody exhausted and body tensed up. weirdo.

history test tomorrow. i hate tests on saturdays alright, make my weekend totally stressful.

studying for humanities will be a tough job.
*clears congested brain for heavy contents.

sigh.

may i jus survive.

love,
jun.

loves JOHNand pocky(:

2006-04-20T01:14:00.000+08:00

ward 25 bed21.

okay. so john was hospitalised for 24hours. hpmh, went to visit him, stayed there for like 45mins or so. it felt like wat, ten minutes? haha. well, from wat i was told, it's smth to do with his lungs and dunnowateveristhat empty spaces. yeah, so his pulmonary vein burst. urgh, that's so scary. and yeah, he roamed around for like three days with the vein burst and that chest pain. wow, great tolerance for pain he has. rofl, sigh, i knew it's smth serious. how can ur chest hurt for days out of nth rite? the visit was a session of serving the patient luh. cut the chicken for him and feed him. well, cos there was this needle thing sticked on his left hand and he so cannot move his left hand at all. yeah, so i was his left hand for the night ah. fun? haha(: and so, he wont be going to school till monday. i seriously dunno whether that's a good of bad thing. he's missing 3tests, 2maths quizzes, 1history assignment and hmm, many many lessons. tsk, will miss him too then.

sigh, shoulder aches:(

i listened to something about you just now when i sleep. somehow, it's a special song between u and me. and now, i believe in my assumption that my behaviour and thinking has changed over the past few months. hey, its a good thing. it changed in a good way. today ther mentioned that i moved on real fast. well, not fast, it was normal speed at least. not like some who took a rocket but ahh, might regret? i dunno(: i only know, i matured and i understand things better now. i do. and i'm sensible enough to know wat's impt and wat's not. and most importantly, i've learnt the lesson of believing in deceiving words and promises. yeah, those empty promises and words i dun nit at all. i dun nit words, i look at actions and behaviours. well, lesson learnt.

i dun repeat my mistakes and wrongdoings.

okay okay. wat's with that stupid japanese gal anyway? bloody lame joke. but, i've to admit, that definitely exposed the paranoid side of me. or rather, insecure and not trusting. i'm sorry if it seems like i place no trust, but i know u understand(: yeah, bad experience. now i live in paranoia and insecurity plus worries and stress. am i gonna die in all these? it's not nice at all. so wat if u understand? i cant live on liddat forever, placing no trust in ppl and getting all worked up bout some minor stuffs. i cannot. i dunno wat's gonna happen if i do. i'd become the most sensitive and cold person on earth. one who has no trust and faith in others. due to some idiotic experiences she had previously. no way man. i dun wan to be like that. not worth it at all. alright, i dunno wat to do. but at least, i did changed greatly.

i dunno about u(:

ahhhhh. seems like alot of ppl are falling sick. well, please do take care! u ppl out there. u cant study if u're not well. so maintain good health and may all do well (:

for me, i'm fine and good. full of enthusiasm yeah.

off to bed!

love,
jun.

living in a world of worries.

2006-04-14T23:38:00.000+08:00

missing in action.

i cannot find time to blog:(

past few days this weeks was sotiringidunrmbwatreallyhappened kinda thing. god, i lead a strenous life alright. oh well, okay, and that's because i was simply too stupid and retarded in the past to know this year is impt and i have to work for it. so? i woke up abit erm, late. haha, resulting in this lack of time to prepare for midyear which is in three freaking short weeks. sigh, please direct me to the place whr i can dig for extra time:(

i've been real dead serious and disciplined nowadays. even i find it totally weird. i hope ppl ard me dun get too pissed off with my behaviour. well, i know myself better and better as each day passes.

i've come to the conclusion that i totally cannot stand two types of people.

type number one.
LATE PPL.

seriously, wat is the stupid point of setting a time when everyday turns up late in the end? u tell me, wat do we set a meeting time for? so that everybody can arrive at the same time and then the outing or watsoever can go on smoothly. am i rite? so wad's the point of setting the idiotic time when u jus dun wan to come on time. u jus reach on any other stupid time in the world, EXCEPT the time u're supposed to show up. i totally cannot stand ppl who are late u know. i'm one who is super duper duper time-conscious. okay, mayb some of u might think im seriously too serious in life. but u know, thats me(: i value punctuality alot alot alright. so, please dun expect me to smile and say a big hi to you if u're late to meet me. u think it's so so so so nice to stand at that stupid place and wait for u? you, who jus dun have the basic courtesy to be jus punctual. okay, late for like five mins or wat, that is still reasonable. mayb the freaking bus that u're waiting for really got stuck in the drain or watever. but some ppl can be late for like wat? twenty mins. half an hour. i dunno how the mind of late ppl works. i really dunno.

i know there are times when u jus really oversleep. or unluckily miss the damn bus. or got delayed by some idunnowat. so there are times when ppl turn up late. i'm not saying i've never ever been late before. i admit there are times when i'm really really late and made my friends wait for me. but i dare say those are the minorities. most of the time, i'm punctual. or even, EARLY. but u know, once or twice is okay. but there are ppl who are forever and ever and ever LATE.

and wat i really cannot accept is when i dun see why ppl cant be punctual. many many many many times, the meeting place is nearer to those ppl who are late u know. i find that so ridiculous. the meeting place is further from my house than their houses. but in the end? im the one who is early and those ppl who lives damn bloody near to the meeting place is late. and very very very late. i cannot accept it man. u have to rush home, bathe and prepare. i dun have to huh? i rush home, i have lesser time than u to prepare and bathe. but i still reach on time okay. so, these are times i really dun see why ppl cant be punctual. WHEN I CAN.

and the most stupid thing i find, is hearing sorry aft waiting and waiting for the late ppl. wat's the stupid use of saying sorry man, seriously. i wait for like two million years for u and you jus say sorry and u think that's okay ald? and some ppl does it every now and then so frequently until i find the whole thing totally meaningless ald. seriously, sorry no cure okay.

worst of all, imagine being late to watch a performance. wat respect u give to those performers man. imagine if u are the one performing, and ur friends or whoever missed the nicest part of the performance becos they jus dunnoforwatreason cannot be punctual. imagine how it feels like. oh well, even ppl who are late for movies piss me off okay. want to come in late, when the movie has ald started, den cant find their seats in the dark. create noise and all the disturbance they can ever cause. all jus cos why? cos they jus bloody hell cannot be time conscious.

type number two.
PPL WHO SHLD CHOP OFF THEIR EARS SINCE THEY DUN WAN TO USE THEM.

i'm serious. i've been observing [cos mayb i've got nth better to do at times.] for quite a period of time and i realised, alot alot alot of ppl fall under this category. like almost the majority of the ppl we see in sch everyday. look at all those ppl who talk and talk and talk and talk non-stop during lesson times as if they have never ever talked in their entire stupid life and they must talk during lessons or they will simply die on the spot. i'm not saying we shld all shut up and listen for every single second of the lesson. but at least, pay attention when the teacher is teaching? when the teacher/class manager/subject rap is making an announcement or asking the class a question? why do u think u are born with ears? cos it makes u look nice? or so that u can wear earings? -.- u're born with ears so u can listen. [oh my god, i love the word listen.] wat for ppl talk to u, when u simply dun want to listen?

i think it's respect. i know, most of the time, english lesson is a total bore. and i admit, i get bored too and start to drift off to sleep. and i dun understand why miss morni talks bout stuffs which are totally irrelevant. but no matter what, she's our teacher. and that is that. i think we should all give her some respect based on the fact that she's our teacher. and pay attention when she's teaching or going thru our worksheets or wat. this applies to all other teachers okay. however boring the lesson is, i think we shld respect the teachers and pay some attention, not talk all the time when the teacher is talking. notice why miss morni always throw her temper at us during english lessons? i know sometimes, she's being too sensitive or abit of unreasonable that we cant comprehand. but sometimes, i understand. it is often aft all the din the class created that she starts to shout at the class. many times, i see her staring angrily at the class, when the class gets totally engrossed in their world of conversations and laughters. den aft, she will lose her temper and start scolding us. and aft that, many will be saying that she's unreasonable and they dun understand why she always loses her temper(: well, becos some of u jus cant be bothered to listen to ppl, and have no respect at all for others. try standing in front of the whole class wanting to say smth or teach but nobody bothers to listen to u. i gurantee u it's bloody irritating. ohhh, reminds me of each and every single co debrief. i wonder why those ppl cant jus shut up and listen to the three presidents. end up lengthening the whole debrief cos time have to be spent asking ppl to keep quiet. waste time and totally pointless.

besides, have u ever realised that ppl ard u might be trying hard to pay attention to the teacher, trying to follow wat's the teacher teaching. and there u are, happily talking away, laughing and laughing bout godknowswat, creating all the noise in the world. disturbing the ppl ard u who wants to listen to the teacher. it's inconsideration to the extreme. selfishness i call it. u dun wan to pay attention, u wan to fail ur midyr, not my business. but pls be considerate by shutting ur idiotic mouth during lessons cos they are ppl who wants to listen.

"there will be a test next week on chapter 2000."
5seconds later..
"huh wat did cher jus said?"

*roll eyes* why cant u jus listen when the teacher was saying the thing. dun u find it superly dumb? when the teacher/whoever was making the announcement or statement, u jus dun wan to listen, u have to be talking to ur friend or watevershitudoing. den aft the statement/annoucement was made, U HAVE TO ASK THE PPL ARD U AND THEY HAVE TO REPEAT TO U WAT HAVE BEEN SAID LIKE FEW SECS AGO. i find that so stupid i cant stand it. and that makes me one of the few ppl in the world who will strangle u if u ask me to repeat myself. i make my point. when i speak, u dun wan to listen, fine, dun expect me to say it again, it's bloody annoying. and it's the same as making me repeat wat others have jus said.

if u dun even have the basic manners to shut up and listen when others are talking, u have no rights to talk okay. i dun see why others should listen to u when u dun listen to others at all. if u think u're deprived of talking, den please talk outside curriculum time all u want. talk till ur lips explode or till ur voice disappear, who cares man. jus shut up when u're supposed to be listening.

alright. so if u dun wan to listen when im talking, dun expect me to talk to you. if you want to talk when others are talking, dun expect me to listen to you. simple logic and fairness.

okay this is the end of my criticisms and its a result of adnormality yeah. i dunno okay, louis commented that i seem to be blogging this to make ppl feel guilty. well, mayb? (: but actually, i dun tink so okay. the main thing is, it has been on my mind for a very long period of time. so i jus wanna say it out. if u think it's rubbish or it's of no logic at all, well, it's okay. those are purely my opinions and a result of my super duper weird character. i bet u cannot find another human being on earth who's called jun and has this kinda alien thinking. AND, if u fall under both types and u feel a teeny weeny bit of guilt in you. U MUS BE ONE OF MY CLOSE FRIEND RITE? rofl. yeah, i get to know my likes and dislikes thru all the wonderful ppl in my life. like my close friends and family(: seeeee, u guys are irritating! dun wan to listen and always late. haha, well, but i still love all of u(: hmm, sorry i'm critical. my stupid habit of finding faults in ppl. well, i know i'm imperfect too(:

alright, enough of all the naggings. my apologies for neglecting this blog over such a long, dreadful period of time. it's been hectic and exhausting nowadays. midyear in wat? two weeks, oh mannnnnnnnnnnn. this is getting stressful yeah. nothing is completed so far. i can tell you, NOTHING has been completed. not even a day i let myself to sleep all i want. i need some sleep badly. well, wait till the end of midyr i guess. i think i will jus come home, bathe eat and go into coma, rofl. i think i will sleep continously for like a few days man. ahahaha, okay that's super exaggerating. ahh, jus bloody tired:( but still there's a long long way to go.

well, shall talk bout ytd's happenings. OK, so i couldn't contain myself anymore and started to cry in the bus again. i dunno whether to feel thankful or not, that john was with me for that time. haha, he will worry too much like some mother(: well, i've to accept the fact that im now living in this world which appreciation is totally non-existant. sigh, wat exactly do i work for, i ask myself sometimes. work and still, ppl place no trust and support in me. i'm ald utterly fagged from attending school and cca, returning home late every single day. and on top of all these, i must revise for midyr and complete those ever-flowing waterfalls of homeworks. esp during weekends. i do nit time for leisure and rest. i have a life okay. well, okay mayb not anymore. i'm leading some idunnowatucallit life. which is equivalent to no life. all day long i jus do homework, plan my time so i can squeeze out those little pathetic time out of nowhr for revisions. it's jus getting too much. and it have to become worse, such that nobody support and trust. sigh.

so aft shedding those idiotic tears, i decided to sleep. HAHA. so i slept then i woke up, den i decided to be retarded and act lifeless. so as the bus12 move and jerk here and there, i swing here and there pretending to be aslp. so i hit the window, the railings (or watever u call it) and even the head of the person sitting in front of us, rofl. den my head 'dropped' like here, there, everywhr until i was almost lying down on the seats. john was like pulling me up from all the weird places im heading towards. den he "oii! oii! oii!" for quite some time and upon seeing that it doesnt wake me up, he started bending my fingers one by one. so i was there wondering wat is he trying to do, den he said "hmm, mus help the vegetable do finger exercise." HAHAHA -.- okay, that was very funny lah(:

it was a high high day ytd, i dunno as a result of wat. we were laughing loudly on buses from here to there and there to here, lol. yeah, laughing bout some lame things we find lah. ohh well, happy days. there are downs in happy days too. so john's mum has decided to think that i'm so ulugalfromnowhr. one who vacuum money and precious time eh. oh well, i feel unwanted in this world. never were there another time in my life that i felt so totally ermm, unpopular. hahaha. new experience eh? urgh, not nice at all. so, to sum up, my life is about accepting being unaccepted. and the fact that im leading a nolife life. HAHAHAH (:

i was jus talking to louis moments ago. many things flowed back. it wasnt cause of the conversation with louis. it was cause of the conversation with u. jus moments aft. aft the conversation abt insecurity. and to top it off, u made that insecurity sink in much more deeper. once again, i see those shadows caused due to that traumatising experience. okay, mayb usage of words is abit overexaggerating. but well, it was inhumanity. haha. u're being so insensitive, or shld i say ignorant. is it not obvious enough? and haven u consider how i wud feel abt this whole thing. argggh, i think im overeacting actually. but it comes naturally, this paranoia. how to escape from it? it's jus there u know. even u get it. and urs was jus, yeah. whereas my whole long story was literally, yeah u know -.- haha.

sigh, this whole thing is jus making me live in fear. how i wish i can return to primary sch times. those times we jus think of nth else other then fun and growing up. nth deeper, and i mean nth. now that we've all grown up, its ohmygodbloodyterrible. it's amazing how much we complicate things for ourselves. then we get vexed and scared and paranoid and jealous and idunnowatelse. you name it, we feel it. dumb. okay, i think its wat we call "the growing up process" rofl. ah, i have enough okay, living in fear and guessing again is not my cup of tea. and smth i dun desire at all, obviously. how to get out of this then? heelllllpppppppp!

sigh.

i nit time, i really do. every single day i have to complete like 2000000 things but we only have wat? 24hrs. i wish i can dun eat, slp, bathe. hahahahaha. and jus, everyday i get stepped on and shouted at. i dunno for wat, but yeah, it happens, and i dun get why ppl cant understand me even aft so long. does it hurt to jus put some trust in me? do i look like one who cannot be trusted? it's harder to work, feeling that nobody believes in you. but actually, it makes me wanna work more. tho im seriously beat. argh:(

man, i'll lock myself up in sch from tmr onwards, for watever there is to be completed. i'm beginning to get restless and easily distracted back at home again. end up getting tired when everything is still uncompleted:(

idunnowhyikeeptypingliddattodaysorrymanissitdifficulttoread? (:

off to complete those leftovers.

love,
jun.

that insecurity u showered gives me desires to weep.

2006-04-06T21:02:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Jun!

If you lick jun ten times, you will consume one calorie!
If you break jun, you will get seven years of bad luck.
The blood of mammals is red, the blood of insects is yellow, and the blood of jun is blue.
It's bad luck for a flag to touch jun.
There are roughly 10,000 man-made objects the size of jun orbiting the Earth!
In Vermont, the ratio of cows to jun is 10:1.
The number one cause of blindness in the United States is jun!
During severe windstorms, jun may sway several feet to either side.
Jun can be seen from space.
New Zealand was the first place to allow jun to vote.

2006-04-02T02:41:00.000+08:00

i'm slow.

heartbroken ya. im amazed by the rate my mind is processing. aft HOURS do i realise im in the process of being totally abandoned and left to die alone.

heart weak, tears dripped.

almost. i feel so unwanted and ~~cheap~~. why does it feel like im the stupid one begging ppl to stay? when im ald in this state of exhaustion, i dun wan to repeat stuffs and do explaining. and i thot it's common sense. but u jus bloody hell, DUN GET IT. even aft multiple explainations i gave.

so end up im the one who needs support and help? dumb life.

im tired. sleep. i dunno how to live thru the disappointments of tmr. ~~if it happens.~~

tired,
jun.

i wan to faint.

2006-03-30T21:26:00.000+08:00

and i'm just really scared.

today was a great day! haven really had happy days like that for long.

first, PE was fun. battle of the sexes eh, girls against the guys for netball. everybody had a great time i guess. at least, ther and yi did lah(:

after that was chem practical. okay, this is one of the best practical i ever had. i completed the titration much before many. but i din know how to do the theory part:( louis laughed at me. haha. so i sat there and watched the others going thru the mad rush. and waited for somebody to teach me how to do the theory part. redox titration:) the colourless solution we get at the end of it all, it looked so clean, so pure. i felt so good looking at it. den everybody crazily rushed thru the theory questions. and the nicest practical session i ever had ended with the usual stuffs. helping hiangling and yi clear their stuffs. den lifang commented that both of them together is somewhat a gd combination. slow ppl unite(: HAHAHA.

i was halfway to madness during recess. was revising and revising for chem test for the dunno how many bloody times. i jus couldn't relax. drank milk(: den after that was english. had the compre test, we had so much time it was like too much lah. i finished the questions, SLEPT, woke up, reply smses and still, time's not up. nice sleep i had, lol(:

so it ended, den went for chinese lessons. there was no teacher can. so we had free periods. was revising non-stop still cos no matter wat i jus couldn't relax bout the bloody test. we called for delivery mac for lunch. so happening seh, today. so ate and revised, still -.- i reached the point that i was scared i'd go mad any moment and my brain did jus drop out or smth okay. so i decided to relax and jus dun care anymore. i know i studied every single thing i know i'm supposed to study. and i revised like two thousand times ald and i still couldn't stop revising. that was the best i can do. or mayb not?

so came chem test. i was so bloody disappointed cos i couldn't figure out the ans for the QA question, that was worth 5marks. i got really confused in the end, and i felt like i was gonna break into pieces anytime. i wrote some rubbish answers. sigh, so much for studying QA like mad. shall study more QA(: but actually the weird thing is, QA revived my love for chemistry. that long lost love for chemistry. okay, now i so love my sciences. i love physics and i love chemistry. i shall go try to love my maths(:

i did my best?

so, my dad jus sorta scolded me. for using the com? sigh. i dunno why, but i jus feel so unappreciated sometimes. why do ppl jus dun see my efforts? for the past two weeks i haven been using that much of the com luh, cos i was following my plan all along. and this is wat i get. it's not that i wan ppl to praise me. i jus wan ppl to trust me, trust that i'm sensible and i know wat im doing in my life. i jus wan ppl to recognise my efforts cos its really really not easy for me now. u dun have to praise me, u jus have to know im really putting in effort even though im so tired i feel i cant go on anymore. u dun have to say anything, u jus have to know it. and times when things like "u better study hard and stop going ard having no idea wat u are doing." are said to me. it jus tells me that, u dunno im putting in alot of efforts. i nit strong ppl to give me encouragements.

strong ppl.

if u're weak urself, do u think ur encouragement will be impactful to me? i dun nit times that i receive encouragement, feeling comforted initially, only to feel tired the next moment when i recall the fact that u're the one who needs more encouragement and help. so i cant lean, and instead, i mus pull u up. im tired and im not that strong. but seriously, wat choice do i have? its not a matter of choice anymore.

if i cant pull u up, i'd at least drag u along with me.

no such thing as abandoning! the times that i felt confident and i tell myself readily that i can do it and i dun have to lean on anyone to climb up. those times are gone and dissolved away. i dunno wat this will turn out to be, but im really very tired. i dunno how long i can go on and not collapse, but i know, if i do collapse, i'd jus stand up and still go for it. i have to.

this is a time when there's no such thing as "i dun wan." of cos i wan. to succeed, to prove, to improve, to pull u up. but i feel that i cant do it. then i tell myself. there's no such thing as "i cannot." im getting bit too uptight. i think sooner or later i'd jus say things im not allowing myself to say now. i so wan to step in and interfere ur time. i sense this mad urgency in life now and the pressure that comes in and stay every single day. im constantly being reminded of all these everyday.

i nit therapy lah. HAHA.

okay, i gave up on dinner. it's horrible to eat with that ugly ulcer on my stupid tongue. mayb i should try cutting my tongue off. AHA SADISTIC. pls jus buy me DRY. COLD. stuffs. so i can eat without pain((((((:

im supposed to be doing maths now okay. tsk.

sigh, now i mus write down things so i can tell john, cos im simply messed up with thots. i think problems and thots are getting too much i cant address them anymore. they are jus at the back of my head and i know they are there. and i jus dunno how to phrase them. and i dunno wats bout them. mayb its time i go write diary entries again. det(: this so dun feels like me, i cant focus anymore. and im jus plainly.

scared.

sorry john:(
musical tmr! cant wait. and sat too(:

pondering,
jun.

it's times like this when i drag u alongside with my tired soul.

2006-03-27T21:49:00.000+08:00

i should learn to be more flexible(:

today was nice. everything went smoothly. still, i kept thinking it's the third week:(

i nit to buy a mountain of things okay. whr will the money come from i wonder. wanna go shop for pens&markers! its's been so long since i last went to buy them. miss the times i spend in popular or watever shop, den i'll start testing all the pens and markers, using them to write the word actually. standard word i use when testing pens or markers. dun ask me why, it comes naturally(: then i will go on to calculate the cost of all the items i took, den will proceed on to putting back some due to exceeding the budget, LOL. after that will somehow be stuck there for long, trying to decide which one to buy. should i give up the green marker? or should i give up the black pen instead? then u will see me standing in front of those thousands of pens, as if im stoning there with nothing better to do, staring into air. but actually im panicking and thinking which one to buy lah, lol. den finally the time to pay will come:( and the end result of the ultra enormous hole in my pocket(:

buying pens&markers has always been a fun process for me.
am i weird? (:

not forgetting the varieties of notebooks all stacked up there and there. those are lovely things of different sizes, different colours, different formats, different paper quality. the sight of them never fail to excite me.

more! those coloured papers and envelopes of different sizes. green colour, black colour, white colour, red colour, blue colour, YELLOW(: colour. and they all come in different shades of these colours!

AND, not forgetting all the other cute stuffs. stylo metal rulers(: erasers of different sizes and texture, hardness, shapes. pencils and that particular brand of lead. ( there was a period of time i got totally nuts bout pencils i had 8pencils in my pencil case. ) highlighters, i love those liquid ones. let's not forget those whitey white stuffs. correction fluid!

FILES. my one and only love. my yellow general file <3
my companion for daily bus trips and rain days.

the above paragraphs are accounts of my obsession with stationaries.
am i weird? (:

oh ya, fell aslp during maths smt today and i wrote 4 x 10 = 30. how superly absurd(:

new chinese teacher. she's loud and cute. tend to be over expressive sometimes. she made us laughed okay.

compass is such a adorable thing((((:

love,
jun.

johnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!