shattered. confessions of a broken soul for this one last time.

today is not my day at all. even on bus39 on the way home, the only thing that was making any sound to me, died. i felt so unlucky, or whatever you call it. took some ulu route home, today feels like doomday. for some reasons or so.

this thing about crying. so many stages of it. i've experienced quite some. there was this time i was crying cos i dunno how to control it anymore and there was kekang and i told him to turn away cos i was all about do-not-look-at-me-when-i'm-crying-it-is-a-sin. and there were times i totally lose control. there were times i was all i-dun-cry-in-front-of-ppl-cos-it's-just-not-me-to-do-this. there were times i just dun cry anymore, no matter how hard things hit me, cos i was just too numb about everything, crying does not make a difference. there were times i was crying almost all the time till the point that i dunno what was i crying about and i just couldn't stop. so what did i cry about today?

well, i didn't really cry, felt like doing so. but i realised, if i hold back my tears long enough, the desire to cry actually disappears. thanks to people who just have to board the same bus as me when i was totally depressed. and the attempt to amuse me with some $1 ugly flowery clothing. but u know, i dunno why but things like that make me forget that i wanted to cry. and i just smile instead.

after the lifeless chinese lessons, i seriously had nothing better to do since ther and yi both went home. so i decided to go to sectionals. and man, that was the best part of today. the moment i stepped in, i smiled. it comes naturally and i still really wonder why. i laughed alot, i talked alot, i questioned alot. we talked about random stuffs, cracked lame jokes, criticised teacher's english it was so fun. and he was claiming that he's very ang moh and he was like "yo! wassup." then we were rolling our eyes, laughing away. and then how he is an all-rounder ( and he actually was saying his size. ) and how old should his wife be and whatever whatever. we even talked about the world cup and the way they criticised and insulted the teams were hilarious. the looks on their faces. then he lip-sticked sijia's cello. played emo songs. i listened to lynette play her pieces for her exams in september, listened to sijia, listened to yan en, listened to the sec ones, overheard the basses playing in the classroom beside ours. and i was so shocked to see the new bass teacher they got. it's that crocodile guy who played bass guitar for our previous concert. yes, that crocodile guy. HAHA. well, but i think he's good, really. and zhirong evaporated once again. i even slept, woken up by vibrations of my phone. played the cello for like 5mins or so. well, maybe some day i should go practise with them too. it feels so good. they are all happy people. and it just feels like so nice. i dunno how to describe it. but it feels like we are just this group of people, staying in our little space on a sunny afternoon. laughing together, listening to the songs, talking rubbish and cracking lame jokes. just that simple yeah.

i'm actually in this state that i dunno what the hell am i thinking or what the hell am i doing. i am just doing what i'm doing. and i'm getting all sadistic again. would like to faint somewhere, or fracture my head maybe, break an arm, sprain an ankle, cut a finger, drop some hair, have a great fall, or go a lil deaf, things like that. sorry i am not suicidal. this sadistic side of me can't be explained. it's just a way i vent my frustrations i believe. i think so? something is really making me unhappy. and you know what, the thing is i dunno what is it. what exactly is this one thing? or things? i just have to have smth against some people, i just have to give the attitude, pull a long face, everything and everything. and i realised, actually, i am just jealous. about what? i can't really say. jealous that others are having fun? and what was i doing and thinking, feeling? jealous that others are happy and there i was, struggling with my attitude problem. jealous that others are actually more sane and reasonable than me. what is wrong with me?

i think i'm actually split into three different parts. or maybe four. one part of me is angry/upset that life isn't good/going the way i want. one part of me is jealous about i dunno what. one part of me is angry with myself that i'm giving everybody the attitude they did nth to deserve cos it's just my mood problem. and another part of me is just guilty for being like that. and on the bus just now, i realised that i've changed, again. okay, so i do realise actually. how saddening, i've changed. again. the same way? maybe? i feel so. now the problem is what's wrong with me, why cant i just live without this mood problem? i seriously think there's smth wrong with me. i'm getting very confused here actually. if u were to ask me now, so what exactly am i unhappy about. i can tell you i really dunno. and i mean it. i really dunno. it's that bad. i'm that confused now. i dunno what i want, i dunno what am i unhappy about, i dunno why do i feel like that, i dunno why am i reacting like that when i know its not right, i dunno why cant i just stop it, i dunno why for no reasons my life is miserable. and i'm feeling really miserable. it's that kind of i-feel-so-bad-i-want-to-cry-but-u-know-i-dun-cry-now. so i dunno where did that feeling go to, but i just feel really empty and bad now. and now i really dunno why.

i'm tired, of everything. physically or mentally? well, both. i'm really very tired. i dun want to deal with all these anymore, it's killing me. and i dunno what to say anymore. so end up, you dun say anything anymore and i dun say anything also. so there's silence and it's official that i really detest silence. and when i get away, or when i'm left alone, i just really wish somebody or something will just make a sound to me, acknowledge my presence. because, you know, sometimes, i wonder whether i actually exist.

pooooof!

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i typed the above and saved it as draft about donkey years ago. gonna finish this post, once and for all. anyway, i was wondering about how we are valued. for example, how much friend Z means to me. how do i value my friend. who is more impt to me? do i judge by my feeling towards the person? do i judge by how long i've known the person? do i judge by how close we are? do i judge by how i react to him or her/treat him or her? similarly, how do other people value me? how impt am i to them? whoever they are. be it friends, boyfriend, relatives, classmates, schoolmates. anybody. how do they value me?

then, i thought of respect. the respect we give to everybody around us. we often say that respect has to be gained. den answer me, how do we gain respect? why is it that some people receive more respect than others? why? linking to all these, i realise that the most stupid sign on earth will be the equal sign. what is actually equal? maybe you are thinking why am i comparing. i wonder too. because i feel i didn't get the respect i want/i think i deserve? because i feel insignificant compared to other people/other things? because i'm angry i want to give attitude and shoot stuffs into your face? i dunno. it's just all what i think and feel. i can't really explain. and i still wonder.

maths lessons today was okay, except that i got really irritated in the end. i did try to shove it awayand it's back to square one again. oh man, this will become a weekly thing if i still behave like that. is it actually my fault? am i being unreasonable again? am i like so over-reacting? i dunno man, it comes naturally. my thinking doesn't change, so does your attitude. i wanted to insult/fire sarcasm/irritate/shout/scream/give attitude/whatever i do when i'm feeling like that. did i? i dunno. thanks to the stomach cramp, my mind was preoccupied after that. the pain was intolerable. i crawled all the way home man. by the time i was waiting for bus358, i was considering suicide, because if the bus dun come any sooner and i can't get home and rest, the pain is gonna kill me anyway. no difference right? i couldn't figure out which way to commit suicide, so i got home before i even do so. HAHAHAHA. went to bathe and thank god i fell asleep after that, no more pain. felt better when i woke up and ate my lunch. dilly dally-ed then went to do my emaths. the tys make me feel that the setters assume that we are stupid. and algebra is really boring, i dun even know why i went to do the questions. okay, stop complaining, idiot. speaking of this, i agree with you, louis. the teachers are putting in alot of effort, those who still dun want to wake up and do your bloody work and work shitty hard, just go and jump into the sea. dun waste the teachers' time.

anyway, louis(: whoa you like my attitude towards my studies eh? have you been working?! and it's known that i always think too much. until the extent of i really dunno whether i'm thinking too much, or i dun even know what i'm thinking. and, tsk. when i feel that something is not right, isnt it normal for me to try to correct it? what's wrong with that? it's my normal reaction you know. i am generally okay, i know. but, sometimes i'm just abit emotional. or trying to figure out something. and when i can't, i tend to get so frustrated. thats y. regular improvements? i dun think i even improved thats the problem. if i haven't improve, shouldnt i do so? aiyah, i really dunno lah, about this. yeah, i get your point about the not-myself part. sigh, but what to do? i have long term problems you know. if i dun try to change my thinking about such stuffs, i'm doomed. anyway, why is life kinda screwed? we haven't talk for long hmm. i've turned quiet and anti-social recently(:

i was asking myself whether i'm right or wrong. reasonable or unreasonable. then i recalled what our principal, Mrs Ong said. during assembly. i felt kinda sleepy for some parts of the assembly. but i remember very clearly, she said that, after we leave the hall, and if we dun remember anything that she has said, we just have to remember to ask ourselves. what are you willing to sacrifice for your studies? for the good results that you want to get.

what are you willing to sacrifice?

and never will i forget that, she said, if we are not willing to sacrifice anything, then... you know.

i agree with her. why bother to try when you refuse to sacrifice certain things so you can have more time to study/do your work? why even bother? and you think the results you desire will just fall from the sky this way? what a nice dream you're having. wake up.

anyway, speaking of this, i'm being reminded of mr mubarak. his first lesson with us was nice. he told us about einstein and how many times he failed and all the details/storiesstories. actually, he was pointing out the fact that we all have to work hard, then will we be successful. he repeated the words so many times it still rings in my head when i recall. no substitution for hard work.

alright, going back to the boringemaths questions.

lastly. this will be the last time i'm going to blog. oh yes, i'm officially abandoning the blog. why dun want to blog anymore? (: i dun see the point, and i dun see how i benefit from this. all i do is throw my moods and insults here. i dun like the negative side effects. might as well write into my own diary. maybe ther/yi will blog. do come back here sometimes(: my apologies for all the emotional posts. those stuffed with anger/insults/depression/confusion. happy posts are the minority i suppose? (: i thank all for reading all these while. and those who tagged (: maybe one day i will feel like blogging again, i dunno? or maybe occasionally when i really have something to say out. till then, goodbye to all(:

above all, i'm not gonna say anything anymore. who am i to say a thing?

i've no say anyway.
its your life. not mine.

love all of you:D

byebye little black space.

love,
j u n.

my final say.